I need a bedtime again.

Christmas break has wrecked me... I did so well all semester going to bed by 10:30. Now, it's 11:40 and I'm very tired... but just really don't want to go to sleep. Do I feel like I'm going to miss out on something?! Whatever it is... I just keep staying up late. Late night is when my mind really works overtime. Yes, I use my brain all throughout the day, but it's at night when those wheels seem to turn extra fast.

Tonight my thoughts are coming and going so quickly I can't even decide what to write about!

Why couldn't I decide to ponder the deep things of life early in the morning so I would be more awake and alert? Instead, I sit here and literally, these are some of the things that have gone through my mind since I started typing:

1. I can't believe that it's 18 degrees outside and there's no snow on the ground.
2. I'm SO looking forward to tomorrow... I'm going to my favorite coffeeshop to hang out w/ a friend from my life group and do plenty of reading and writing. (my favorite things!)
3. Last night I had a good conversation w/ Robbie & Jamie about relationships. I learn so much from them. I have so much to learn. Oh, relationships....
4. Tomorrow is New Year's Eve... and I'm going to wear my new brown and teal flannel shirt. I'm pretty stoked.
5. Is it possible to really look forward to a conversation and really... NOT look forward to the same conversation? Yeah, that's confusing.
6. My brother has a girlfriend and I REALLY need to meet her.
7. I wish plane tickets were free. Gosh, I have a list of about 15 places that I'd like to travel to this week. [Thank the Lord for video chat!]

Okay, now I think I'm just adding things that I've thought of since starting that list. This could go on all night since apparently my mind is just going to keep on running!

I'd better put an end to this rambling and listen to some calming music and... pray. Then sleep sometime this week. Yes, good plan. :)

A Quick Recap...

It seems like FOREVER since I last blogged. I'm glad to be back!

I spent 9 days in Portland and had a BLAST visiting with friends & family. It really was one of my best trips "home" since I moved away. I was able to just enjoy myself and not be concerned with what everybody else thinks... it's a bummer that I didn't get to hang out with a couple people that I would have liked to, but I can't feel GUILTY for that! I see last week as a major breakthrough in my "people pleasing" tendancies. Thank you, LORD!! I just love seeing growth happen right before your eyes. :)

We ate out at all of our favorite restaurants: Olive Garden - celebrating Grandma's birthday, Red Lobster - my brother worked there a year and a half ago and STILL gets a 25% discount!!, Red Robin - my all time favorite, and Yan's - the BEST Chinese food. I went with my brother, mom, and grandparents to see the new Narnia movie, which I LOVED! I think those movies are some of my favorites. I really should read the books... ;-) Kyle and I found a tree farm near our grandparent's house and chopped down our own tree this year... that is definitely a tradition I'd like to keep from now own! It was so great! I spent a super fun evening with 3 of my closest friends from high school - Lindsay, Benita & Taylor. We baked a TON of sweets and laughed the whole night... it was just like "old times." :) Kyle and I went to Solid Rock's 11pm Christmas Eve Service at the Arlene Shnitzer concert hall in downtown Portland! This is one of our favorite Christmas traditions. We saw some great friends and the service was absolutely BEAUTIFUL! We drove down to Eugene to spend a day with family there. It was so fun to see cousins, nephews, brothers, sister, aunts, grandparents, parents, and even a 2nd cousin. :) My aunt's house was beautifully decorated, we played a game of Apples to Apples - my favorite!!, we ate a delicious spaghetti dinner, opened a few presents and just enjoyed each other's company. My sister and I got each other the same picture of us in a frame! It was so funny! Kyle and I spent the night w/ the Whitehead family - Tim, Jill, Hunter, Farleigh & Maggie. They are very much like family to us and we had such a great night with them playing games and watching movies!

Whew - that was my Christmas vacation! The good thing is... I still have two and a half weeks until school starts! I plan to spend this week reading, resting, shopping (yay for giftcards!) and playing in the SNOW that we're supposed to get all day tomorrow!

I hope you had a wonderful Christmas, too! :)

School's out!!!

I just finished my last final exam of the semester and am greatly looking forward to all of the books I'll read, hours I'll sleep, friends and family I'll spend time with... and my trip to Oregon!

As much as I have been excited about Christmas for a long time now, I still can't believe that it's only a week and a half away... let the festivities begin!

A little dreaming when I should be sleeping... for real

It's almost 12:30 in the morning as I type this and I know that I should be sleeping, but I am just not tired! This is actually very rare for me... I have trouble staying awake past 11:00 usually. :)

I was just laying in bed and after about 2 minutes realized that I was not going to fall asleep anytime soon and I don't want to waste this valuable thinking time... so I decided to blog!

I had coffee this morning with a new friend! (Praise God for new friends!) She came to life group for the first time last week and we discovered that we both just moved here in August and we're both nannies - my response was, "Let's be friends!" (I don't like to beat around the bush or anything... ha!) I had a SUCH a good time chatting with her!

As we were talking I mentioned Chicago (my favorite city) and kind of jokingly mentioned moving there to go to Bible College after I graduate from BSU... now that I've thought about it some more, I don't think that it was really meant as a joke. I think I could actually see myself doing that. How fun would it be to move to Chicago on my own and go to Moody Bible College! I could go to the art museum on the weekends and go ice skating in Millennium Park in the winter. I don't know why, really, I just LOVE that city. I would have to save a lot of money to pay for Bible College or find a generous donor. Then I would have to find a steady job to cover living expenses.

(Nevermind that for now, though - you can't worry about the details of money when you're only dreaming. In that case, I'll just pretend like it's all free. hehe)

When I was talking with my friend this morning I just got excited with the freedom of knowing that I really can do ANYTHING! I can move anywhere. I'm not tied down anywhere or limited by relationship status, family obligations, or anything else. I just need to finish my Communications degree at BSU and find a lot of money. (lottery? just kidding.)

It's just exciting to think about. I don't have to just stay in the same place and work a boring job and settle for the life that seems easiest. [Note - this doesn't include the here and now... maybe right now is just a season of rest? I'm going to school and watching a couple really great kids. It's okay that this season is different... but it won't ALWAYS be like this. I actually enjoy a fast paced lifestyle.]

Why not go on a little adventure and see what God has in store?

Wow.

I finished reading the book "Redeeming Love" today and watched "The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe" -- both are extremely clear, straight-to-the-heart analogies of God's love. I'm so overwhelmed!

No matter how often I stray from the Lord or doubt His love or lack trust... He always pursues. His love for me & you will never diminish. He won't relent until He has our all!

[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DDwW-Ae8hgQ <-- "You Won't Relent" - Misty Edwards @ OneThing]

"Come, let us return to the Lord. He has torn us to peices but he will heal us; he has injured us but he will bind up our wounds. After two days he will revive us, that we may live in his presence. Let us acknowledge the Lord; let us press on to acknowledge him. As surely as the sun rises, he will appear; he will come to us like the winter rains, like the spring rains that water the earth." Hosea 6:1-3

Thankful-Thankful-Thankful [Thursday]

Hellloooooo & Welcome to the weekly edition of Thankful Thursday. Actually, I just randomly heard someone say "it's Thursday" and I thought... "It's Thursday.... THANKFUL Thursday!" I always get excited about this day of the week. No matter what kind of day I'm having, I just know that it's so good for me to take a quick break and recognize the many blessings that fill my life. Thank you, LORD!

First of all - This is a picture of my brother, Kyle, and me Christmas Eve 2007. It pretty much sums up our relationship right there -- posing in front of the Christmas tree with ornaments on our ears. I can't wait to hang out with my way cool brother!!!

1. I have friends. I know that I've posted a lot about this... but I really am thankful for the fact that I have FRIENDS. Community is so important - I love just DOING life with other people.

2. I have FAMILY and I get to see all of them in less than two weeks! It will be so great to go "home" for the holidays and cram a lot of quality time with a lot of people into one short week.

3. The countdown to the end of the semester is ON... 1 class down (as of 45 minutes ago) and 3 to go! The end is so close I can taste it...

4. Starting in January I'm going to start watching Channing & Gannon 3 afternoons a week! This is a recent addition to the "what is my life supposed to LOOK like?!" concern I've been mulling over for a while now... In making the decision to work more hours w/ this fabulous family, I couldn't think of any reason NOT to: it will help there to be more stability for the kids, I love that the hours are set (something I can plan on every week to be the same - my organized self loves this!), I'll be making more money, it's not stressful or complicated (where as starting a new job probably would be), I would have time to work on homework there if I need to.... this really is a great opportunity and the Lord just worked it out to fit perfectly in my life and theirs! See? God provides!

5. Truth! I am so grateful that I have a solid foundation of truth to stand on each day!

6. The past three years at Teen Mania -- I'm thankful that I've grown more confident and bold, that I know what is socially acceptable conversation (some people don't know this...), for all of the relationships with so many wonderful people.... I could go on. I was just reminded this week of how I'm different now because of what God did in my life in the past three years and felt it was worthy to note my gratitude for this.

Reminded of the Lord's FAITHFULNESS...

[Just a little bit of truth that is on my heart this day.]

He is my provider...

He knows my needs, and fills what is empty. He is my All in All... my Everything.

He knows how I receive love and puts people in my life to express that love to me. I know that God IS love and this is from Him. I'm so grateful for relationships.

He sees my heart and understands who I am.

He is slow to anger and abounding in love. Oh yes, abounding in LOVE.

He desires to spend time with me...

God's love is MORE: more than I know, more than I expect, more than I can understand. I'm blown away by this intense, unconditional love.

He knows my desires. He tells me to DELIGHT in Him...

He makes ALL things new.

He fights for me and restores me. He reminds me of what I know to be TRUTH. This truth I can rely on and trust. God does not lie. He is trustworthy.

He sees what worries me and brings peace. Through encouragement, rest, energy, community - He brings peace that surpasses my limited understanding.

I know that I'm not who I was... there's evidence of that in me TODAY: I'm not stressed or overwhelmed or anxious about the end of the semester... I'm not worried about money because of opportunities that God has provided to meet my needs... I'm not insecure about making friends because I see the AWESOME people He has put in my life...

It's all about the little things. :)

Today has been a WONDERFUL day!

After a full day of babysitting yesterday, I slept GREAT. (this helps to start off a wonderful day.)


Then I went to church and hung out with some pretty awesome first graders and we learned that "You can have joy because God keeps His promises." This makes me so excited!!! I love that these kids just GET it. They understand that God is trustworthy. I pray that I would truly have faith like a child.

Then I was blessed by a surprise phone call from Miss. Danielle Mitchell - one of my customer care interns from Acquire the Fire Operations last year. I love this girl! It was so nice to hear from her. She graduates from the internship in a week - I'm so proud!

Then I got to video chat with my good friend, Meghan Crist and her precious daughter, Emma! Skype is SO fun - It makes a world of difference to actually SEE the person's face when you chat. I love that. It's like we're actually hanging out together. :)

Then... burdened by the amount of procrastination I've been doing on my American Lit paper, I packed up everything and headed over to Moxie Java to write it up in style (i.e. "with a coffee."). This must've helped, because I just finished it! What a load off. The best part of my afternoon at Moxie is that a friend from life group works here and she gave me a DELICIOUS Christmas cookie for free! Also - another friend from life group stopped by to work on homework with me. I just love community!

[Just look at that huge Christmas cookie!! Such great motivation for finishing that paper. :) ]

To top it all off, I have more clarity as to what next semester will look like and I'm really looking forward to going home for Christmas in two weeks - both are very exciting things. After a confusing day on Friday (see a couple posts ago), the peacefulness of today has been extremely welcomed. Thank you, Lord!

Wow... I think I could listen to this song all day

Jason Morant - "Love Song"

I suggest you listen to it.

"Where can I go / Where can I run from you / You're everywhere
You know all my thoughts / you see through my ways / And still you come to me"

Thank you, Jesus!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3_97Bd5W0gU

Follow Up -

In response to my own post from last night:

I know that my PURPOSE as a Christian is to know God and make Him known. In every season of my life, no matter how different each of them look/feel - I pray that this would be my heartbeat. My purpose is to SERVE Him - I am not serving God less just because I'm not at Teen Mania. He can use me in my family, my church, my life group - and those things are just as important as what I did in Texas. I loved mentoring interns/GIs and being a part of their lives - but I can do that HERE, it just takes time to get to know people and get involved. God still uses me today. I need to be obedient to what He has for me HERE, because I do believe that it's important. (or else I wouldn't be here - I could be anywhere right now! But God brought me to Boise.)

I just love this song - "The More I Seek You"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NI_1YliutzA&NR=1

In other news: It's snowing again this morning and I'm about to go watch Channing and Gannon for a few hours this afternoon.... maybe I'll make another snowman. :)

Post-Teen Mania Ponderings...

I'm sitting on my bed, nibbling on a scrumptious piece of lindor milk chocolate, writing in my journal by lamplight and a string of colored Christmas lights. It's been "one of those days." Not a BAD kind... just a WEIRD kind. Do you ever get to the end of a day and just think, "Huh. Well, I'm not really sure what I did today..." It just feels strange. I did, indeed, do things today: I had a great morning watching Channing and Gannon, I made a snowman (see pictures below), I got my car fixed (Praise the Lord!), I started outlining some ideas for my American Lit paper... and I took a nap. That's about it.

So I started out journaling to analyze this weird-emotional feeling I have... and I came up with this thought: I think I'm still trying to figure out what life looks like outside of Teen Mania.

I'm stuck on this question: What in the world am I supposed to be doing with my life right now?! What was the purpose of today where I sat at the windshield repair shop? For the three years I was at Teen Mania, I had a schedule to follow... rules/guidelines... God-fearing people all around me... so now that I am OUT of that environment, how do I stand on my own? Now that there isn't a person or a program telling me what my life will look like, what will I make my life look like?

I don't want to be lazy, discontent, unfruitful, or ineffective...

Sometimes it all is so overwhelming. I didn't have to think about paying rent at TM or saving for groceries (thank you, food allotment checks!). I knew that by going to work, attending any other required activities, and completing assignments for my classes at Tyler Junior College I was meeting the standard. Now, what is the standard? I thought that I was supposed to focus on school right now - that's one of the reasons why I left TM - then why am I only taking the same amount of classes that I took while I was AT Teen Mania?

I do love it here... there is just so much that I don't understand. Tomorrow's a new day. It's okay not to understand. I will trust and obey. I just don't know WHAT to obey... what are you telling me, Lord?

Let it Snow, Let it Snow, Let it Snow...

This week has been so fun! We got home from the snow in McCall just in time for more snow in Boise! Too bad my "snow day" landed on a day that I already didn't have class or work. Oh well! We enjoyed it anyways. Here are some pictures from the first big snow of the season! I do miss Texas sometimes... but this is one of the reasons I love being back in the North. The snow just adds to the celebration of this season as I write Christmas cards, listen to Christmas music, and bake cookies.

Me & my snowman :-)

I just love this picture of Josiah!

Jamie & Josiah ready for our walk to Tully's to get coffee.

Robbie shoveled out my car that night so I could get to work by 6:00 the next morning!

I hope you're enjoying preparing for Christmas! What a wonderful holiday to celebrate and remember the birth of Jesus!

~ Thankful Thursday ~

What are you THANKFUL for today?

Just because Thanksgiving has come and gone doesn't mean that we STOP keeping a heart of gratitude. Gratefulness is healthy. Remember that today as things come up that try to bring discontentment... there is MUCH to be thankful for!

I'm grateful for...



1. Our snow day yesterday! Apparently we're supposed to get a few more inches tonight. Wow! [I'll post more pictures later!] It was such a fun day... and I absolutely LOVE snow, so it was a wonderful surprise to get TWICE as much as they expected. I'm so glad I invested in those snow boots last week... I've already gotten a lot of wear out of them!


2. God's provision - in so many ways, but emotionally and financially are the first that come to mind. God is so good!!

3. The semester is over in 13 days! Then a month off of school and a trip to Portland to see friends & family and to read a lot. Yeah... that's my plan. :)

4. Monday night accountability via skype with two wonderful friends who live across the country. [I wish I could go see them face-to-face.]

5. Fireplaces. I love the homey, cozy feel of fire in a fireplace... especially with Christmas stockings hanging on the mantel.



6. Golden Delicious Apples



7. The peace of God on UNpeaceful days.



8. Random text message/emails/etc with encouragement from a friend.



9. A full night's sleep.



10. My mom! I really miss her a lot. I'm glad she responds to my random text messages... I'm so excited to see her in 16 days!

Post Vacation Blues?

If you haven't noticed by the tone of my blog posts over the past week but I absolutely LOOOOVED this Thanksgiving vacation. It was restful, peaceful, and FUN! Jamie and I both agreed, though, that by yesterday morning we were definitely ready to be home. I had been away from home for 8 days by then, and well... there's just something nice about sleeping in your own bed and not living out of a duffel bag.

I was ready to come home: refreshed, energized, rested, and ready to tackle the last couple weeks of school! Now the quick decline of those emotions... As soon as we got home yesterday afternoon I hurried off to the grocery store, then hurried back for my weekly skype meeting with the wonderful Heather & Emily, then I attempted to work on my anthropology paper as my head began to throb... all of a sudden I was so tired, and my head hurt, and I couldn't focus on the paper that I planned on staying up late to finish... I know myself well enough to know when I hit that "brick wall" and just need to go to sleep. So I did.

I got PLENTY of sleep last night and when my alarm went off this morning I was NOT even slightly ready to get out of bed! So I didn't. :-) Thank goodness I had the option to sleep a little longer... then I got up and spent some much needed quality time with Jesus... and that's when it hit me:

The refreshment that I felt from that break, as awesome as it was, is only temporary and will come and go at the drop of a hat. It didn't take much to alter those emotions. I didn't understand why I felt so tired after resting for a full week! Jesus, on the other hand, refreshes my soul in the deepest parts and offers a LASTING refreshment that will overcome any "post vacation blues." His peace fills me so completely and survives through the darkest storm. It is not contingent on emotions or feelings or my surroundings. I love this simple revelation.

"And my God will meet all your needs according to His glorious riches in Christ Jesus."

Philippians 4:19

"[...] those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength."

Isaiah 40:31

"'Though the mountains be shaken and the hills be removed, yet my unfailing love for you will not be shaken nor my covenant of peace be removed,' says the Lord, who has compassion on you."

Isaiah 54:10

"You will KEEP in perfect peace him whose mind is steadfast, because he trusts in you."

Isaiah 26:3

Anti Chick Flick -- What is LOVE?!

Tonight I watched a chick flick and almost felt disgusted. It wasn't because the man in love dies at the end. It wasn't because it was made however long ago and the style was definitely not current. It was because it was SO fake. I just wanted to say "Surely, it (love) does NOT happen like that." You don't meet someone and then 12.5 seconds later fall madly in love and get asked to go on a perfectly romantic date. That's just not reality. Why do you think there are so many men and women who quickly get bored in relationships... or disappointed... or disengaged? It's because we so often fill our minds with junk and try to imagine the fairytale-story book-chick flick kind of romance, and our own simply falls short.

I use the term "our own" loosely here, as I really have no idea. I may know that what I saw was not reality, but I can't tell you fully what "reality" is. I do know that relationships take work. They take time. They take purposeful, intentional communication. I don't want to have some whacky expectations of what I expect LOVE to be... I want a pure, honest, God honoring, respectful relationship that tops all of that mushy fakeness.

It's worth waiting for the REAL thing.

A Belated Thankful Thursday...

My friend mentioned last week that this week's "Thankful Thursday" blog post would be AWESOME because it is on Thanksgiving. Well, that boat has come and gone and now it's Friday. Well, really Friday is gone, too - it's 1:02am on Saturday now. Whew! What a week! You know those vacations where things just go by too fast and don't work out as planned and you end up more tired than relaxed? This week has been the OPPOSITE of that! I really cannot even express how absolutely wonderful this week of rest has been. First with a few days of peace and solitude and now with four days in McCall with a welcoming family, my own comfortable room, tasty food & treats, and mounds of snow. I know that the next two and a half weeks will require a lot of work to finish out the semester strong w/ 3 papers and multiple tests... but I am incredibly grateful for a week to prepare mentally for the rush and enjoy life.

I read an entire novel just for fun... baked... watched "It's a Wonderful Life" - my favorite! ... went ice skating... took turns riding in the sled... skyped with my family when they were all together last night... really, this has been an amazing week.

Even though it's not technically Thankful Thursday, I still want to express gratitude in general ~

I'm thankful for God's grace that covers my life...
I'm thankful for family & friends who support me...
I'm thankful for new friendships...
I'm thankful for this week of rest...
I'm thankful for HOLIDAYS...

Today...

1. I woke up to more snow on the ground (not a significant amount - but that's okay. I took a walk with the dog in the wintry, white world... beautiful!)

2. I tried to make a snow dinosaur to commemorate last year's Texas snow storm... it didn't work. Lame.

[This is Heather and I last March with "Bethany the Brontasaurus"]

3. It is currently 22 degrees. I think I'm addicted to weather.com. I don't know why it excites me so much.

4. I had spent some much-needed time in the Word of God and finished reading "Lady in Waiting." (I definitely recommend that book!) Now I'm going to be patient, content, live by conviction, etc, etc... Thank you, Jesus.

5. I made puppy chow (http://allrecipes.com//Recipe/puppy-chow/Detail.aspx) - one of my top must-haves at holiday celebrations. Love it and so fun to make! (I also add a teaspoon of vanilla to the peanut butter/choc mixture - but according to this recipe, it's not necessary.)

6. I made green bean casserole! It just came out of the oven and smells delicious. This is the only way I'll eat green beans. It probably has more to do with memories and the fact that it's one of my mom's favorites, than actual taste. But I hope it tastes good because I'm taking these two dishes to life group tonight for our Thanksgiving dinner!

7. I was actually productive and got some homework done. That's a great feeling. I'm ready for this semester to be over...

8. Can I just say again, I LOVE THIS VACATION! I feel so refreshed. I'm definitely looking forward to a big Thanksgiving weekend, too. Then before I know it - less than a month! - I'll be home for Christmas!

It's been a long time...

I think I'm going to make a list... that's just how my mind works. On second thought, if I make a list, we'll be here all night. So I'll just start with a few tidbits of information and then hopefully get back into the routine of blogging this week. I noticed that I didn't blog at all this past week... and I hardly journaled either. I bet there's a correlation there. Hmm...

First of all - I decided to try the whole skinny jeans and boots style again... the first time didn't work out too well, but I think I'll really get it this time. (I can be trendy! haha) I found skinny jeans at Target for TEN dollars yesterday and I actually LIKE them!! Today I bought these boots and a pair of grey suede w/ similar buckles that are a little taller -- they were buy one get one FREE! If you've been reading my blog for a few months, then you know that this is a big deal for me. I also got snow boots... but those are a little less stylish. :)
I love Heather and Emily (my friends from Teen Mania - they both live faaaar away) ... I really miss them a lot. I'm grateful that I'm making strong, godly, awesome friends here, though, too. The Lord knows just what we need in each season. Besides, Heather, Emily and I still skype once a week to stay in touch and maintain some accountability in our lives. I'm so grateful for relationships & community.

The above picture is from Saturday - Channing and I make sugar cookies w/ all kinds of fun shapes and Gannon helped decorate. It was more like: put a glob of frosting on, take a bite, then move on to the next cookie. :) I had to watch him like a hawk to make sure he didn't devour the whole batch! I love these kids a lot. They're on vacation right now and I'm staying at their house to watch their dog and have a little vacation of my own... it has been WONDERFUL so far. Last night consisted of chai tea, my fuzzy purple robe, the movie Pride and Prejudice, and snow outside. Tonight there will be MORE snow (supposed to start falling anytime now!) and a fire in the fireplace. I got a haircut this morning, went shopping... tomorrow I'm going to bake for the Thanksgiving dinner for my life group... I just feel so relaxed.


I do need to get some homework done, too... but then, on Wednesday morning, I'm heading up to McCall for Thanksgiving w/ the York's! Yeah!!!

This week is a nice reminder to slow down... enjoy life... rest... and not put so much pressure on myself. Not that everyday can be a "vacation" day... but it can still be enjoyable.

"I will Run" - Misty Edwards

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SC3g6rdSI6Q


I thought of this song as I typed my last post.
"I will run the race set before me / I will seek Your face as the prize of my life"
My heart's cry...

--------------

"I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus." Philippians 3:14

Endurance

A lot of what I learned in my three years at Teen Mania has to do with endurance. ESOAL. Ministry Placement. Having 5 roommates. Corporate. Running the 10k in the back forty... which was basically a second ESOAL. (just ask my roommate Michelle... we cried probably 1/3 of the time.) The fact is: I am NOT going to make emotional decisions and just QUIT. I learned the value of commitment and hard work; of relying on the Lord fully for strength that I could never muster up in my own power and simply... pushing on. Also - I know that as a wife and mother someday, there WILL be times that I feel burdened beyond what I can carry and I will FEEL like quitting... but quitting is not an option. I will HAVE to persevere and rely on the Lord. I will keep running the race set before me... and seek the face of God above all else. Decisions cannot be made based off of emotion, otherwise you will waver and change with the joys and difficulties of life. I am making the choice right NOW, to not give up.

I say all of that... but, goodness, it feels like this season of my life is all about endurance. Not giving up. Perseverance. I want to quit school because I'm so frustrated w/ figuring out a class schedule for next semester and the fact that I constantly owe them money. I enjoy my classes, but I hate all these silly logistical concerns. I'm still enduring through the loooong season of making friends... there has been progress, though, don't worry. (In fact, I'm hopefully going to meet up with a friend in between class and life group tonight! I'm at the point where I KNOW people, but I need to work on building depth in friendships, which takes time - as you all have reminded me) Building relationships takes perseverance; I've got to be intentional. They don't just happen. Even in my family I have to endure through difficult times. It's hard... but I know that I don't want to give up, even though I feel like doing what's easiest. This can be conveyed in different ways... but regardless, I want to make them a priority, even when it's complicated.

Romans 5:3-5
"[...] we rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us."

Endurance will always be a part of our lives. That's why we need Jesus. I need His strength to endure through times when I just don't know the right answer. When I feel like I can't make a decision, I need to be filled with His wisdom. And even when I just want to cry and hide... I will not give up.

What's your motivation?

I just want to walk in purity. I want each decision I make to be based off of truth and rooted in love. I want to be filled with godly wisdom that will determine each step I take and each word I speak.

Do you ever think about your motivation behind doing something in particular? Why do I really want to be his friend? Do I have selfish reasons? Why do I really want to be alone? Am I avoiding something? You know the questions that I'm talking about: Why do we do the things we do?

What's the ROOT?

I know this is true and good and healthy, and I'm sure I could talk someone else through this process... but it always seems more complicated when it's your OWN life, right? How am I supposed to know what my motivations are when I seem to have hidden them so well that even I don't understand why I do what I do? It seems to be a certain way, but is that REALLY what's in my heart? Or is it that I just "know" that it's the "right" answer? But what really IS the "right" answer? Everyone always says, "I can't make this decision for you." Goodness gracious. I just want to always be able to know the wise choice and walk in it.

I don't like to do things just to do them. (generally, speaking.) I don't like to make decisions flippantly either. I also don't want to make decisions just to please other people, though. But I can't make decisions selfishly either.

Hmm... I think I need to find some balance. And trust that I really can hear the voice of the Lord. His Word is a lamp unto my feet and a light unto my path. (gosh, I love when scripture just pops to mind like that!)

Twenty Two

Hello... I hope you all enjoyed November 13 as much as I did. :) I turned 22 today!

I love birthdays- mostly because I love celebrating in general, and baking tasty treats and being with people and forgetting about regular things like homework and schedules and chores, so I can focus a little more on rest and fun and food. (boy, did we focus on food today!)

I didn't sleep very well last night because my phone kept going off with facebook notifications and text messages (my brother, sister & parents all tried to be the first one to wish me happy birthday - which resulted in messages all through the middle of the night. haha!) ... finally I was able to fumble around enough to make my phone quiet the rest of the night. Then around 7:30ish I woke up to Josiah screaming... around 8:00 I just couldn't sleep anymore so I got out of bed. I baked my traditional birthday scones, which were scrumptious! (Robbie ate three!) Then Jamie and I went to starbucks for some coffee (a wonderfully festive toffee mocha) and we all bundled up and went for a walk. After we got back and Josiah went down for a nap Jamie and I were trying to think of something exciting to do...

Now you can't judge us. We have good reasons for this and it really does all makes sense. We decided to put up the Christmas tree and decorate! Yes, I realize that it's only mid-November and most of you are rolling your eyes as you read this... but what better way to celebrate your birthday!? I really think the theme of my birthday this year (if there is such a thing...) is Christmas! My good friend, Emily Clay, sent me two Christmas CDs in the mail yesterday - just because I'd had a rough couple of weeks and she knows I love it. Another friend, Natalie, sent me a care package that I got TODAY which was full of wonderful Christmas goodies. I just find a lot of joy in celebrating Christmas.... so why only do it one month a year?!

For dinner we had DELICIOUS steak, zuccinni, potatoes and garlic bread (one of my favorite meals!) and Kathy, Jamie's mom, made the BEST ice cream cake! (oreo crust/bottom, mint choc chip ice cream, halved strawberries and oreo crumbs on top!!) They sang "Happy Birthday" and I blew out the candles - it wouldn't feel like a birthday without that. :)

All in all, it was another good birthday. A little strange being in a fairly new city without solid friendships or a large community of people I know to celebrate with... but that's okay. I'm so grateful to Jamie for making my birthday special. :)

Also... I was completely overwhelmed by the 75+ birthday wishes via facebook. I know that most people just see in the right hand corner that it's your birthday and so they write "Happy Birthday!!!" on your wall... but it's still fun to hear from SO many people! I decided at the beginning of the day that I wanted to reply to all of them... since they took the time to wish me happy birthday. Yeah, I started to regret that by the end of the day. There were so many! ;-)

I realize that this was a disorganized mess of information about my day... but I just wanted to update you all. I do feel like writing, but I am SO tired right now... so I think I'll write something more concise and understandable tomorrow. :) In the second service at church tomorrow, with my first graders, we're making cards and wrapping boxes to send to Operation Christmas Child -- see! Just an extension of my Christmas-filled weekend. :)

Today is Thuuuuursday!

Does anybody else feel this week draaaaging along? It hasn't been bad... it's actually been a GOOD week... just so very long. This morning I wanted to cry when my alarm went off. Okay, that's a slight exaggeration, but I at least winced... and I definitely rolled over and set my alarm for a later time after I realized I have a free evening to exercise so WHY exercise at 5:00am? It didn't help that the extra 40 minutes of sleep only felt like 40 seconds, but that's fine. Tonight I'm going to try to be in bed by TEN. That would be awesome. :)

Anyways - enough ramblings about my sleep - today is Thankful Thursday. It's kind of like a holiday around here on my blog... I really like to celebrate. Even when I don't feel like celebrating, I know that it's the right thing to do... the JOY of the Lord is our strength! (i.e. The Honor Academy's Celebration LTE - it's healthy to celebrate what God has done in our lives!)

Today I'm thankful for peace.

Peace infiltrates my life in the most intricate and wonderful ways...

Philippians 4:4-7

"Rejoice in the Lord always, I will say it again: REJOICE!

Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near.

Do not be anxious about ANYTHING, but in everything, by prayer and petition, present your requests to God.

And the PEACE of God, which transcends [rises above, goes beyond, exceeds] all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."

God's abundant peace is beyond all of my human understanding. It's His peace that guards my heart and mind against stress, fear, doubt, worry, anxiety. So even in the midst of the thousand questions that always find their way back into my mind ("How will I pay for that?" "What am I supposed to do with the rest of my life?" "What am I afraid of?" "How can I continue growing and learning and becoming more like Jesus most effectively?") this week has been peace-FILLED. Even though life is still hard, God is sovereign. Even though I have nothing, He is everything. I'm thankful that His Word is written on my heart... and that enables me to walk in peace - knowledge of the TRUTH.

I'd like to give you a little homework... (Emily, Heather and I give each other homework all the time... it's great accountability) ... post a comment with at least ONE thing that you are THANKFUL for or are celebrating today. It can be anything. Think simple OR complex. Sometimes when I make my "thankful" lists, I can only come up with the basics like: my pillow, the beautiful trees, the comfy couch in my living room, the food in the pantry -- those are all things to be thankful for! I know how much a thankful heart transforms MY life - I hope you will choose to experience that, too!

"You are More" - Tenth Avenue North

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3XY2yudW5n4
So if you have a few minutes you REALLY should watch this music video. I love this song and believe that the words are so powerful...

Funny Quotes from the Kiddos:

I know this is a blurry picture, the kid wouldn't sit still. (Notice how I blame the picture quality on a squirmy 3 year old and not my 2 year old flip phone camera?? haha!) The other day Gannon was drawing on the doodle pad while I was doing something with Channing and he said, "Miss. Kailene, Look! This is my picture of God!" Love it!
---
The kids are really on a roll playing mario kart this morning and we have a little extra time, today, so I'm letting them play a while longer.

Me: Okay, guys - Gannon picks a race, then Channing picks a race, then it really is time to turn off the wii and eat breakfast...
Channing: Okay, I believe in you.

Why, thank you, Channing! :)
---
Yesterday Channing asked if she could take a picture of her parents with her when I dropped her off at a friend's house for the day... in case she missed them.
---
Yesterday when I was getting breakfast together Channing said, "Can I have a kiwi?" Then Gannon said, "Can I have a lemon?" I started cracking up! First of all, how do you explain to a 3 year old that people don't normally just EAT lemons (although, I have before). Also, I'm pretty sure it's the ONLY time he's ever asked to actually eat a fruit!

The funny part is, he just asked for one again today and I gave in and sliced up a lemon to go with his peanut butter toast. I'm going to be a wonderful mom. ha!
---
Me: Gannon, what kind of cereal do you want?
Gannon: Well, I don't want cereal. I want a marshmellow sandwich.

The funny part about THIS is, I actually gave it to him. I put some marshmellow cream on top of his peanut butter. Hey - I just need to get the boy to eat! Another example of my great mothering skills: lemons and marshmellows for everyone!
---
Ok, what is Gannon's deal with food lately?! He just asked for cheetos with his breakfast. I drew the line with lemons and marshmellows. I made him eat a banana instead. I win!

An Encouraging Word...

Do you know the power of your words?

Life or death. Build up or tear down. Strengthen or weaken.

To "encourage" literally means: "to inspire with courage, spirit or confidence." To pass on courage. To share a little bit of confidence.


Sincere, thought-out, personalized encouraging words mean the world to me. [I know that's cliche, but I can't think of a better phrase right now to describe it.] Words can change the patterns of my thoughts or the course of my day. Whether it's a simple text message or a long conversation, I feel energized by genuine encouragement.

So... thank you, dear friends, for the words you share that bring COURAGE & CONFIDENCE.

And that's all I have to say for now. All of that serious, in-depth, lay-your-heart-out kind of blogging I've done the past few days has been slightly exhausting... ;-)


I hope you have a lovely day. Be encouraged.

Addison Road - "Change in the Making"

If you have a few minutes you should check out this song on youtube. I think it goes along nicely with my last couple posts. :)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yU2drg8FtBg&feature=related

This is me, trying to sleep...

My sleeping habits have been WAY off this past week. I tried to go to sleep tonight, but just ended up with my head pounding, eyes wide open, and mind racing. So I think I'll write a bit. Not that I want to make it a habit to write in the middle of the night, but this is the second night in a row.

*Note: I'm currently listening to Casting Crown's amazing-wonderful-awesome Christmas album because it's some of the most relaxing music I own.

I registered for spring semester classes tonight. Next to math and pickles and shopping for jeans, registering for classes is one of my LEAST favorite things to do. I've only been ALLOWED to start registering since Thursday and already it was difficult to find a class that I wouldn't have to sit on the waiting list for. (fyi - as a melancholy personality, waiting lists scare me because they hinder me from setting a solid schedule and making sure everything fits together properly.) Jamie graciously helped me search for open classes that are relevant to my changing major (bless her - I know she was ready for bed like an hour before that). So I just enrolled in as many as I could find - 6 - and I can always drop one or two if I need to. By the way - as far as changing my major, I'm leaning towards Communications. But I'm still nervous about that decision, so it's not final yet.

Not only is that process frustrating... I'm just struggling. I'm struggling with comparing myself. Not to any particular person, just to what I think I "should" be doing. Really, at this rate I don't think I'll graduate before I'm 30! And if I'm supposed to be focusing so much on school, then I can hardly work, which means I hardly make any money, which means I'll live with the York's long enough to see Josiah go to elementary school. (he's not even two) Okay - I know that was a slight exaggeration, just trying to make a point. ;-)

Apparently, as you may have read in my previous post, I assume that at 22 I should have reached the epitome of excellence and success and devotion, with no hint of faltering. I'm sure everyone can read this with a little laugh - because you all know that I'm never going to be perfect and that's okay!

I need to take a deep breath. Think realistically. Set some goals. Enjoy life. Get my priorities straight. Daily depend on the Lord for His grace and mercy. Rest ASSURED in His unconditional love.

[Oh Lord, have I forgotten about your infinite love for me?! Help me to live IN Your love.]

The Perfectionist in Me

Last night Jamie stopped by my room to say goodnight before she went to bed and we ended up talking for about 20 minutes... and in the course of that conversation I realized the root of much of my stress and anxiety these last two weeks: PRIDE.

[That's always a fun conversation. Not!]

It was one of those times where we were talking about this and I kept thinking, "Oh, I do that... yep, guilty of that, too... wow, this woman just nailed it on the head!" We weren't even talking about ME necessarily, but I definitely recognized the effects in my own life.

I just moved here, so of course I want to fit in, but at what length? I just spent three years at an awesome internship program called the Honor Academy at Teen Mania Ministries, so of course I want to exercise 5 times a week and have a lengthy quiet time everyday, but am I really a failure when I fall short? I'm supposed to be focusing heavily on school now, so why am I not getting A's? And why do I still not know what I want to do with my life?

I realized that I've just been condemning myself lately for every single mistake and shortcoming. I drastically overslept the other morning (which is not normal) and I thought it was just about the end of the world. I mean, really, that's just ridiculous.

What happened to my eternal perspective?!

One of my favorite lessons that I should probably tell myself at least 438 times a day: "You are not defined by your failures!"

WHO or WHAT defines me? Jesus. He says that I'm lovely. He says that I am dearly loved. He says that He will fight for me. He says that He has some pretty darn good plans for my life. He says that I can rest in His arms. He says I don't have to be troubled or afraid.

And He says all of that to you, too.

Thankful Thursday :]

Hello Everyone, and welcome to... THANKFUL THURSDAY! Today I do not feel like being thankful, but I need to be thankful. In fact, I texted my dear friend, Emily, and told her that I'm tired of having BAD days! She told me that I need to make a list of everything I'm thankful for to change my attitude/perspective. Then it dawned on me that it IS Thursday... so I can blog it. :)

So this is what I'm thankful about today:

1. Kerinda gave me two free tickets to Tyrone Wells' show downtown last night and I took my new friend Felicia. Tyrone is an awesome musician (one of my favorites) and he happens to be Kerinda's little brother. It was definitely one of the coolest things I've done since I got to Boise!

2. My new friend, Felicia. I am so excited to get to know this girl! We're very similar and I think we'll be good friends. :)

3. A friend sent me a significant amount of money (significant to me, at least!) in the mail this week... it's amazing what the Lord can do with a generous heart. I'm so grateful. (Because of her - I was able to get insurance on my car for this month. Yay!)

4. I posted on facebook that I'm going to change my major and within 12 hours I had a TON of feedback/encouragement/suggestions - how awesome to live in a "community" of friends and family who will help me with such practical things!

5. My brother, Kyle's, 20th birthday is on Monday... and I'm so grateful for him!!!

And that's the extent of my list for now. I'm trying so hard not to be overwhelmed. I just thought of the "glass balls" analogy that Tresbien taught me my intern year at Teen Mania - I can only carry so many responsibilities. If I try to juggle too many "glass balls," something is bound to break. I need to ask myself that question every morning, "What are my glass balls for today?" That way I don't try to manage all of the glass balls for the week (or month or year) in a single day. I just feel grumpy when I see glass balls falling all over the place. Can I just have some peace and consistency?!

Status Report =

Sooo... of course during the week that I'm abstaining from sweets someone brought homemade carmel apples to life group last night! I was so excited, chose the apple that had a good amount of carmel, and after 5 bites realized that I was breaking my own rule ... oh well. It's not like you get delicious carmel apples everyday! I couldn't really throw away half of it. The deed was done. ;-)

AND - even though I went to sleep at 1:00am, I still got out of bed when my alarm went off at 5:00am and exercised for 20 minutes before I went to watch the kiddos. I feel great! It just takes a little discipline to remind your flesh who's in charge.

Side Note: You all should listen to Shane & Shane's CD "Everything is Different." All of the songs are full of truth... words straight from scripture... it's just so great. I love filling my mind with truth! This week is going to be better than last week. There are still a lot of things to figure out with my car (registration, insurance, plates, tags, and fees out the wazoo) AND changing my major ASAP -- but I'm determined to remain steadfast in the Lord.

The End. :)

My Self Challenge for This Week... and what I'm learning along with it...

Whoa - I almost said, "Happy Monday!" Where has time gone?! I must be a little out of it... it is Tuesday, right??

So anyways, I am doing a special self discipline/health challenge for this week. I'm going to exercise every morning (it took me about 30 minutes to actually get out of bed this morning! haha) and drink at least 2 liters of water everyday (for some reason I have a hard time drinking even 2 GLASSES of water daily...) and I'm not eating any "sugar extras" - no cookies, ice cream, or candy. (This does NOT include coffee...) For those of you who are familiar with Teen Mania... I guess it's a mini Orange Block, which we all know and love. But hey - I know it's effective!

I video chatted with a good, far away (Virginia) friend, Emily, last week and we talked about working on ONE thing at a time. Sometimes I just get so overwhelmed with the 3864 ways that I need to change to become... healthier, a better student, more devoted to the Lord, a better friend, more financially stable, etc, etc, etc. But when I try to "fix" ALL of those areas at the SAME time... it generally just ends in frustration. Probably beacuse I'm looking for a quick fix... and I want to do it on my own. (independence) But when I rely on the Lord and remain still and peaceful to hear His voice.... and set attainable goals that focus on one or maybe two things... then I can see some growth.

So even though I know that I have a long ways to go and many areas to grow in... I need to learn to still appreciate who I am NOW. I need to remember that God loves me NOW, just the way I am. I don't need to reach this certain point of excellence before I can receive His affection. Hmmm.... I serve a God who's LOVE is unconditional. Stable. Consistent. Steadfast.

Something in which I can place my hope & trust.

Please Help??! haha

Can anyone tell me how to change the color of my post titles? That gray/blue color does NOT work with this color scheme... in fact, it kind of hurts my eyes. But I am a little "blogger" illiterate and I can't figure out how to change it!

NEEEEEW CAR!!!!

Hopefully this is the last time I have to post a picture of a car on my blog for a looong time! But, I just thought I'd show you all my NEW car. It's a 2001 Chevy Cavalier with only 135k miles on it and I bought it tonight for $1600. I told him "I'm not trying to sound suspicious, but it sounds like too great of a car to only sell for $1600... is there a reason?" And he said that he's just trying to sell it fast so he can pay bills. So I just HOPE it's a good one. It feels like such a risk. BUT - the miracle part is that I was able to buy the car without borrowing any money. I still need to pay for the registration/taxes... and to get the windshield fixed... and buy seat covers (I think the seats are pretty ugly.) ... and you know, buy some half way decent Christmas presents for my friends and family. But I'll just take all of that one day at a time. :)

Jamie, Josiah and I went for a walk this afternoon and we talked about God's provision... I really do believe that He'll provide. Lord, help me to be content... and to walk in the PEACE of that knowledge everyday.

Thoughts 15 Min Before Class...

You know those weeks that come to a close and you feel like you should receive some kind of an award just for making it through? Yeah... this is kinda one of those weeks for me. Starting with the car accident on Monday, losing my honor ring, feeling overloaded in school, being around sick kids... just to name a few. But now I've come to Friday afternoon. :-) One class to go, then I'm headed home for the night! I think I'll make myself some dinner, pop in a movie, wrap up in a blanket, and eat some popcorn to relax for a couple hours. The best part is this: even after the trials of this week... I love that at the end of it my heart still says, "You are GOOD, Lord... and I will walk in joy and choose to trust in You." It's so wonderful to know that that is my heart's inclination today... That He is good. And I will trust in Him. And I am confident that He will provide for my every need. So why worry???

Goodbye, Car.

I said goodbye to my car today when I went to the salvage yard that bought it from me to pick up the rest of my things that I forgot in it. I realized today that the last car I was in an accident from (basically the same situation except not as bad) was in a Nissan, too! So I decided that I'm NOT going to buy a nissan and I'm going to make sure that whatever I buy has anti-lock brakes.

I've been using Jamie's car, which is much nicer than mine, to take Channing and Gannon to school in the mornings - they love the "new" car because it has a sun roof. :)

I know it will be okay... and I'm trying to be at peace... but it's all slightly overwhelming while still trying to do BETTER than I was in school... Yeah, I just don't have the energy for that. I need to go to bed earlier, but I can't afford to lose that precious time! Oh well. It will be fine. Let me know if you hear of any good cars for sale in the Boise area. :) Okay - time to get back to my paper! Pressin' on!

Maybe I should join the rest of Boise and get a bike...

Well... before 3:00 yesterday afternoon I had a nice little car that looked like this:

After 3:00 yesterday, well, I don't have a picture of what it looks like now... but you can imagine with me... the front end is smashed in and two of the doors don't even close. The air bags are blown out and the windshield is cracked in a hundred places. I was in a car accident on my way home from school and my car is totaled. I'm fine (and so are the other drivers) - I just jammed and cut one of my fingers (on the air bag? I don't know how it happened...), and I feel a little achey today.

GOOD NEWS: There's a salvage yard here in Boise that is going to pay me $750 for my car. (I only have liability insurance - so that $750 is my starting fund for a new car.)

2nd GOOD NEWS: I live with a pretty awesome family.. As soon as I got out of the car, a guy who stopped to help told me to sit on the curb (probably because I was a little hysterical and my hand was covered in blood - sorry if that was too gross. Don't worry - it didn't hurt at all, at the time.) ... Anyways - As soon as I sat down, about 1 minute after the accident, I called Robbie and said something like, "I was just in an accident *sob* and the air bags blew out *sob* I'm on Fairview St..." He told me to calm down, breathe, and that Jamie was on her way. When the tow truck got there, he talked to the driver for me and then he and Jamie paid the couple hundred dollars for the tow because I couldn't think clearly enough to know if I had enough in my checking account to cover the expense. (I do, and I'm going to pay them back - but it was really nice not to have to worry about that in the midst of everything yesterday) Then, Jamie picked me up and helped me decide what to do with my car at the body shop and spoke for me (as my "sister") to the insurance agent and when we got home Robbie had already figured out an extra car for us to use for the time being. I am incredibly thankful... I really don't know what I would have done had I been completely on my own.

Even though I have two tests and a large paper due at the end of this week, I decided that it would be best if last night I just rested and got a good amount of sleep, rather than pushing myself to get a lot of studying done. I don't like being unproductive... but under the circumstances, it's okay. Jamie, Josiah and I watched a movie and ate popcorn (my comfort snack) and then I TRIED to get a good night's sleep. (I really didn't sleep that well, though...)

I know that wasn't really a coherent story or anything... but I just wanted to update you all on what's happening. As Jamie commented last night, my car is my biggest expense right now... that's why it weighs so heavily, and feels so devastating. I know that the Lord will provide. And I really don't think it's any coincidence that this happened as I'm in the middle of struggling to learn to trust God with my finances. But now you know how you can pray for me. :)

- The Saturday Evening Post -

Hello! I can't believe it's been a whole WEEK since I last posted something. I don't really have a good reason... maybe a few BAD reasons.... lack of inspiration, lack of diligence in writing what I'm learning in my "Lady in Waiting" book, etc, etc... Anyways, I just thought I'd give a little update. :)

I decided that I love photography. I've known this about myself for some time now... but today I was so intrigued by the awesome-ness of the clouds up in McCall that I wanted to capture it. I couldn't stop staring out the windows and I wanted to say, "Hello?! Does nobody else see these huge, amazing clouds?!" But I didn't want Robbie's family to think I was crazy. (I went to McCall with the York's this weekend and we stayed at his parent's house) I used Robbie and Jamie's camera to snap a few shots because I don't have one, and their's is pretty cool. (Well, I got one over 3 years ago when I graduated from High School... but it's a little ghetto.) I sometimes see an image and think, "That would make a great picture." But I have no way to capture it. So I just try to paint it in my memory. Or I forget it, which is such a shame. It could be anything from a tree full of red and orange leaves, Gannon making a silly face, the sun shining through the clouds, Josiah flexing his muscles, Channing's sweet smile and excitment in something like making m&m pancakes, or simply catching a moment in time and holding onto it for a while longer.

A friend of mine suggested this Canon Camera as something good but cheap: http://www.digitalcamera-hq.com/products/canon-a3100is#article. She suggested this next one as well. Even though it's a little bit more expensive - I like it MUCH better. http://www.digitalcamera-hq.com/products/canon-powershot-sx20is#article. Maybe. Someday. Photography would be SO fun to really get into. Then I could live my life as a writer and a photographer! It just sounds so sophisticated and exciting.

A List.

Here's a nice little list to share the many, many thoughts that have taken root inside my head these past few days... Oh, how I love lists!

1. This is a picture taken from the top of table rock - where Jamie, Josiah and I hiked last weekend. It was SO much fun!

2. I feel so philosophical lately because I keeping thinking, "What in the world is my life supposed to look like?" "Am I filling my life with the right things?" and "Who am I, really?!" Is this normal? I think so. Why won't anybody answer me, though? I'll just keep moving forward and seeking the Lord... and maybe not think about it so hard. ;-)

3. Update on my social life: I finally know people! I know people, but I'm still working on being friends with people. (there's a big difference) I know that it takes time. But I just want to feel a part of the "group". Soon... it will come. (that was me reassuring myself - haha) Relationships are just such a complex concept. I mean, it doesn't have to be, but sometimes it can be... (I know, that wasn't a very intelligent statement... I'll work to develop that thought and maybe share it later. haha)

4. I think I'm going to return those stinkin' boots. I've tried on about 583 pairs of skinny/slim jeans and they just do NOT work for me. Maybe I'm not cool enough for trendy boots... :-) Oh well. I'll try again next year.

5. I decided that I need to be more studious and have some serious, focused study time. I started that tonight by playing ball with Josiah when he wandered into my room. So easily distracted by the baby... I guess I'll start that serious studying another day. :-)

6. My pandora play list is playing ALL my favorite worship songs from Teen Mania. I miss that place and all those wonderful people.

Thoughtful...

I think I have stopped in here to blog at least once a day for the past five days and have just come up empty. I can usually tell when there's a lot going on in my head, because it's harder for me to write. It means there's a lot more to process and weed through, before I get to what I actually want to say. Whatever is at the heart of, well, my heart. It's sometimes not so obvious. My heart tends to get wrapped up in fear, insecurity, and doubt - and it's hard to see what's REALLY in there. A very wise friend (Stephanie Poe) told me this afternoon that it's okay to acknowledge your emotions... just don't let them consume you. I had a lot of disappointment this weekend... just things not working out the way I thought they would (and car trouble - which for some reason, ALWAYS hits a very sensitive nerve with me)... but I need to remember that those things that my heart TENDS to get wrapped up in, and maybe even consumed by at times, are NOT who I really am. Jesus is in my heart and He fills me with the fruits of the Holy Spirit - love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness, faithfulness & self control. So I can acknowledge my emotions... but then move on, because I serve a God who is much bigger than all of that! I can choose what I will allow to consume me... Jesus, fill me up! He knows & understands my heart, even when I don't.

"Lady in Waiting" - Part 2

Hello, Friends. :)

FYI - These "Lady in Waiting" posts may come sporadically as I don't want to rush my reading through it. I'd much rather take my time, let it all soak in, and all the Holy Spirit to change my incorrect ways of thinking and build upon truth. I don't want to rush that important process. So, thank you kindly for your patience.

Chapter Two - Lady of Diligence

The key to this chapter is: Don't sit around and waste your life! Singleness is not a waiting period where you twiddle your thumbs all day long and listen intently for your name to be called when it's finally time for marriage. No sir! (or, most likely, "No Ma'am!") You may have heard, "These are the best years of your life!" Then thought, "Uh, are you serious?! It can ONLY get better from here!" Well, I (and the authors of this book) would like to suggest that this season is not necessarily any better or worse than other seasons; but it CAN be utilized to serve the Lord with fervor, grow more and more in love with Jesus, and bless others around you.

Ephesians 5:15-17 "Be very careful, then, how you live - not as unwise, but as wise, making the most of every opportunity, because the days are evil. Therefore, do not be foolish, but understand what the Lord's will is."

--> I know that I've heard this verse thousands of times, but never in this context. I love it! It definitely sheds new light for me on making the MOST of my days... months... years in whatever season God has me in. (This is WISDOM.) Foolishness is doing the opposite of what God's will is. Understanding His will comes as we understand His Word.

"Are you busy serving Jesus in your free time, or do you waste hours trying to pursue and snag an available guy?" Not that you have to be at church 7 days a week or be apart of 5 different Bibile Studies, but you do need to examine: Where DOES your time go? Are you really making the most of EVERY opportunity?

If you find that you are wasting valuable time, which is very common in our generation, don't worry - it's not too late to change that! Think about this: What is stopping you from: Serving the Lord and the church? Becoming involved in an accountability group? Leading a Bible Study or prayer meeting? Reading a book or seeking out a mentor to help you grow in a certain area? I think that something that often stops us from doing these things and more is our own attitude and perspective. Some points from Kendall & Jones:

"You are limited by your own sel-pity and lack of obedience."

"Our Selfish nature tends to focus on what we do not have rather than what we do have." (this is why it's important to be THANKFUL.)

"Self-centeredness will rob you of the JOY of serving."

Don't let your attitude stop you from living a full life NOT and not waiting for what may come around the corner. Choose right now what you will allow your thoughts to center around, and hold to it. Set an internal standard for what you will allow in your mind. (That's where these negative attitudes START - with one little thought.) Once you overcome that - which is no easy task, and requires prayer & accountability - then you are ready to jump in and serve, learn, grow, etc. Be proactive!

I'm kind of in a strange place in my life right now... yes, Boise is kind of strange ;-) .... but my lifestyle and schedule are just very different than they have ever been. I love it - it's just different. And I have a lot of open time that I can choose how to spend. I've jumped in and started helping with childcare needs at church and I just started as a small group leader for the 1st graders on Sunday mornings! I keep reading books... I'm trying hard to seek out friends & build relationships... I check my thoughts and remind myself that there is value in this season and I need to stay on my toes to DILIGENTLY seek & serve Jesus!