I'm sitting on my bed, nibbling on a scrumptious piece of lindor milk chocolate, writing in my journal by lamplight and a string of colored Christmas lights. It's been "one of those days." Not a BAD kind... just a WEIRD kind. Do you ever get to the end of a day and just think, "Huh. Well, I'm not really sure what I did today..." It just feels strange. I did, indeed, do things today: I had a great morning watching Channing and Gannon, I made a snowman (see pictures below), I got my car fixed (Praise the Lord!), I started outlining some ideas for my American Lit paper... and I took a nap. That's about it.
So I started out journaling to analyze this weird-emotional feeling I have... and I came up with this thought: I think I'm still trying to figure out what life looks like outside of Teen Mania.
I'm stuck on this question: What in the world am I supposed to be doing with my life right now?! What was the purpose of today where I sat at the windshield repair shop? For the three years I was at Teen Mania, I had a schedule to follow... rules/guidelines... God-fearing people all around me... so now that I am OUT of that environment, how do I stand on my own? Now that there isn't a person or a program telling me what my life will look like, what will I make my life look like?
I don't want to be lazy, discontent, unfruitful, or ineffective...
Sometimes it all is so overwhelming. I didn't have to think about paying rent at TM or saving for groceries (thank you, food allotment checks!). I knew that by going to work, attending any other required activities, and completing assignments for my classes at Tyler Junior College I was meeting the standard. Now, what is the standard? I thought that I was supposed to focus on school right now - that's one of the reasons why I left TM - then why am I only taking the same amount of classes that I took while I was AT Teen Mania?
I do love it here... there is just so much that I don't understand. Tomorrow's a new day. It's okay not to understand. I will trust and obey. I just don't know WHAT to obey... what are you telling me, Lord?
You are a beautiful writer Kailene! I can defiantly relate to this post, I wish I had an answer for you.
ReplyDeleteThank you... that is a great compliment. :)
ReplyDeleteDearest Kailene,
ReplyDeleteI'm still feel this way somedays and I've been out of Teen Mania for over 2 years. It's a process to work through. Sometimes I just need to remember that life isn't going to be the same from day to day. Change is inevitable and life is constantly shifting and moving each moment. At times it feels like we are unfruitful and nothing big or extreme is happening but I think in those moments God is trying to quiet our hearts & refocus us to prepare us for what is to come. It's an exciting adventure He has us on, girl!
I love your writing, you are such a sweet girl…keep at it! :)