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"... the mind controlled by the Spirit is LIFE & PEACE." -- Romans 8:6

Sunday, October 20, 2013

Home: Beyond the Hut

*This is a memoir I recently wrote for a nonfiction writing class. I don't have much spare time to post here, so I figured I might as well just post what I'm writing for school. It's a little bit of a different feel than what is normally here, but it gives you a taste for what I'm working on this semester. As always, your feedback is welcome. :)

            Ever since returning from Panama in the summer of 2012, there was no question of whether or not I would go back someday. I have always taken every opportunity to travel, from the first time I flew by myself at seven years old to my grandparents’ house in California, to touring all things historical and patriotic on the East Coast as an eighth grader with a group of students from my school, and going on a two week long mission trip to Lima, Peru when I was in high school. Through these experiences I developed a sense of adventure, budding independence, and a growing aspiration to travel anywhere and everywhere.
            As the now familiar boat ride came to an end and I stepped onto the beach of Rio Tigre, an island in the San Blas archipelago of Panama, the Kuna children immediately flocked to the group of wide-eyed teenagers from the United States and grabbed water jugs and duffel bags to help us unload our supplies and carry them to the hut that would be our home for the next eight days. The island was jam-packed with huts, enough for around one thousand people – six hundred children and four hundred adults. These huts were made with walls of thin sticks and a palm-thatched roof. Electricity was only accessible to some, and even then, only after six o’clock in the evening, when the solar panels had time to charge in the hot sun all day long. Running water was available, but not clean enough to drink and only in a centralized location. The most drastic change from familiar life back home was the bathroom, which required you to walk on a plank made of sticks about ten feet out into the ocean where you would sit in a room made of sticks, small enough to reach both sides with outstretched arms. The students on my team accurately described it as the “aquarium bathroom.” Multiple times throughout our week on Rio Tigre I stopped and [realized how similar my surroundings were to a photograph from a National Geographic magazine.]
            My journey to Panama began with four plane rides: Boise, ID to Salt Lake City, UT to Dallas, TX to Miami, FL to Panama City, Panama. After experiencing international travel and airport customs with fifty frazzled teenagers, I will forever appreciate the calmness and freedom of flying by myself. After arriving in Panama City, we spent two days packing supplies and preparing for ministry on the island. On the third day, we started the travel day with a 4:00am wake up call, ate a quick breakfast, and hopped in a caravan of Jeeps for the three and a half hour drive over the San Blas mountain range into Kuna Yala. This drive was far more stressful than flying with the multitudes of teenagers; between the sharp curves, rollercoaster-type steep hills, and washed out patches of pavement from past rainstorms, my stomach was in knots. Nevermind the monsoon of a rainstorm that came through about twenty minutes into the mountain trek with a broken defroster, a manual transmission that kept stalling on hills, and a driver that could only pass on snippets of reassurance in extremely limited English. Mostly, he just gave a somewhat nervous chuckle and kept smiling at me. The language barrier here left much meaning in the subtle communication open for debate. Being the only team leader in the vehicle, I decided to plan ahead in case the car stalled and rolled backward (which did happen once or twice, to a lesser degree than what I was worried about); my hand stayed rather close to the emergency brake and told the kids in the back to not worry about a thing, this was normal! (probably)
            We finally arrived at the dock, the boats were late – in typical Panamanian style, and we made peanut butter and jelly sandwiches in the rain to tide the teams over until we got to the islands. Of course I did not have my raincoat with me, so I quickly turned into a sopping wet mess. Despite the wait, the extra time at the dock was a real treat considering the last thing I wanted to do at that point was put my nauseous, motion-sick self in another moving object, particularly one bouncing over waves in the ocean.
            When the boats arrived, we boarded by team (with each one going to a different island) and the excitement built and lasted for about the first ten minutes of the ride, until the teens realized how tired they were and, probably for the first time in their lives, fell asleep packed together on a hard bench as we [flew] closer and closer to our destination. With the sleepily bobbing heads of my team sitting in front of me, and my stomach’s angry revolt finally subsiding, I was able to gaze in curiosity and anticipation out across the ocean, which was crowded with speckles of islands overflowing with palm trees and eagerly question: “Is that going to be the one we make our home for the next week?” After a little over an hour of gazing and questioning, plus the three different modes of transportation across 4,370 miles before that day, the boat finally slowed as we pulled onto the beach of our island: Rio Tigre. We were undeniably far from home.
            Despite the mere five minutes it took to walk from one end of the island to the other, there was definitely a lot to see and experience. There was one school with classes for children in Kindergarten through twelfth grade. [There was] one church that my team was there to work with, and presumably two others, but we never actually saw them. (…which is interesting considering the small size of the island) Supplies and food are general brought in from other islands or boats that come to sell fish, lobster, etc. The stores that are available on the island are extremely bare and only provide the bare essentials (along with the nonessential random items, too), like deodorant (not the kind you’re used to), children’s socks, cold juice (quite the treat!), small candies, beans, and maybe a few other small things. [They would definitely not be well stocked to Winco’s] standards or have nearly the variety and options. We got our bread from a couple different families who had ovens in their huts – the most simple, delicious bread you’ve ever tasted. Of course, there’s a volleyball court and soccer field, too. The one community hut on the island (kind of like a town hall or community center) was where my team hung up our hammocks and unpacked our supplies; this was “home” for the next nine days.

The Kuna Indians quickly became some of my favorite people.
  As we hung hammocks and got settled into our hut, Pastor sat down with my co-leader, Matthew, and I to go over some expectations and information we would need. He explained that the next day was a holiday: children’s day. It reminded me of “take your child to work day” here in the states, where the children switched roles for the day with an adult leader in the community - it seemed to be either a school administrator or the saila (village chief). They celebrated by canceling classes at school, marching the children across the island in a parade, and putting on a big festival that night all to honor children and support families. The teachers were in charge of the program and one stopped by that afternoon to ask if our group would like to perform a skit or sing a song. What a privilege to be invited into the Kuna culture and celebrate with them. Of course I replied with a smile and said, “We would love to do a skit and sing a song!”Then waved goodbye as I turned to my team and informed them that we needed to learn a skit and song, ASAP!
My team of students, eager to explore the island, set off on our first full day of ministry on the island. They spent the morning in three small groups visiting people in what we called “hut-to-hut,” where they literally went to each hut and asked if there was anything they could do to help. (i.e. wash dishes, chop coconut, clean fish, sweep the dirt floors, etc) This was a very practical way to meet people and be a positive presence in the community. One group of my students – Cassidy, Caleb, Annemarie, and Natalie – set out to do just that. Matthew and I stayed behind to get some cleaning and paper work done in the quiet time that the students were away. Not too much time had passed before Annemarie and Natalie came running back into the hut and grabbed a handful of powdered Gatorade single packets. I was confused and asked what was going on. They informed me that this small, old Kuna woman named Amelia kept asking them for juice, so they were going to make her some Gatorade instead. Cassidy said that the woman’s face lit up when she tried it, she drank three entire cups full of their concoction, and then let out a refreshing ‘ahh’ at the end. The students realized that this was a simple way to bless her and decided to offer a gift of at least twelve Gatorade packets, which was the initiation of their friendship.
Another woman that group met disclosed that her husband had just recently left her and she naturally felt lonely and abandoned. Natalie had the idea to give her new friend somewhat of a Panamanian spa day and paint her nails. While they painted her nails they talked to her and got to hear more of her story. The woman’s expression changed from one of deep pain to pure joy as these teenagers took time to invest in her and start to build a relationship. The rest of the week when I walked by the woman’s hut, she would call out, “Donde esta mi amiga, Natalia?” Her beaming smile and constantly asking where her friend Natalie was reminded me how easy it is to make friends. They were simply willing to meet a basic need and listen. It changed the woman’s entire demeanor.
            Almost exactly a month after returning from Panama I found myself packing my belongings into several bags and loading my car again. This time, though, was not in preparation for a short term international trip, but an indefinitely long term move across town into a house with a few friends to live closer to school. This move came three years too late, in my opinion, which is how long I have been waiting to experience that sweet taste of independence. Or at least, move in the direction of independence.  I graduated from high school six years ago, but the journey since then has been a slow process of moving out on my own; first in the dorms, then campus housing, then residing in the spare rooms in two different families’ homes for cheap rent. While I knew that they were technically my home, because I lived there, on a deeper level I felt more like a guest in someone else’s home. The arrangements were all short term and I could never fully settle due to the inevitability of change coming along soon. Even though that was the reality of my living situation, everywhere I lived I meshed in with the family and knew without a doubt that I was welcomed, supported, and cared for. The houses quickly became homes when I realized that I could easily connect with the people.
            I still sometimes still refer to Oregon as “home” simply because that’s where I grew up. My family lived in the same house from when I was three years old until I graduated and moved to Texas. That old gray house on Pinebrook street was all I never knew in reference to “home.” It meant safety, security, and family. It was familiar.
            This current season of life reveals “home” as an ever-changing entity, not so much based on the actual house or location, but on the people I am surrounded by. “Home” is the opportunity to make a connection with a person, not a wood structure – whether its walls are made of sticks and palm leaves or wood beams and dry wall. My mother might not be too far off course in her favorite expression: “Home is where your mom is.” While this sense or feeling of “home” may not be limited solely to the relationship of mother-daughter, the principle is the same. I feel at home with my Mom as a result of my relationship with her, no matter how far apart she and I live.
            “Home” is quite an arbitrary term. We often hear common clichés in tying the concept of home with the person or people you are with. Even after the hundreds of times of hearing these phrases, I still equate “home” with my furnished, air conditioned/heated house, cozy bed, full refrigerator, and closet overflowing with too many clothes. I typically think more of the comfort, familiarity, and safety, rather than the people. That trip to Panama initiated a paradigm shift regarding the meaning of home.
            Something so foreign felt completely natural, despite all of the lifestyle adjustments. Living on an island, in a hut with dirt floors, using the restroom over the ocean, taking bucket showers, extremely limited electricity, no sanitary drinking water, no stores for easy access to goods and supplies, etc,  and yet, we seemed to immediately fit right in. The culture and lifestyle varied greatly from our own – no iphones or internet – but the needs of the people were the same. This cultural gap diminished as we lived closely among the Kuna people and experienced everyday life with them. It was when the teachers invited us to be a part of the Children’s day festivals and when the old woman got overly excited over a few cups of Gatorade; these moments of connecting with the people resulted in creating our deep sense of home on the island. Rio Tigre became as comfortable as home because our new friends were open to sharing it. Besides, it wasn’t about living in the lap of luxury; it was about living amongst the people.

            Now I see home as a fluid concept that changes constantly. This lack of stability in an actual structure of “home” may even force me to rely more heavily on the consistency of the people over the place. I have to choose to live in every moment, rather than fear of the future and the unknown. Each place that I live – and there have been many – is really an opportunity to know people and live life together. My life, then, is forever influenced because of that specific time under the same roof. “Home” is no longer steady or stagnant, like it was when I grew up in my childhood home in Oregon. But the element of constant change and influences of a variety of new people has only purposed to grow and challenge me as a person. It seems to be a reality that our sense of home is relevant to the personal and emotional connection to that place as a result of deep relationships with other people, regardless of whether or not they share in the same language or culture. 

Tuesday, October 8, 2013

Live a Lovely Life

Life isn't always lovely; love it anyway.

Regardless of the mess, confusion, frustration, debt, hard conversations, failed attempts, missed opportunities, could-haves, would-haves, and should-haves... there is a great amount of loveliness in life. 

In the midst of every single day, take a moment to search for and acknowledge the lovely. 

Find what you love and LIVE it.

...Just a little food-for-thought today...


Friday, October 4, 2013

when the LITTLE things are really the BIG things

Alrighty, friends... brace yourselves, because we are about to enter into a crazy time of life. We could call it "the great unknown" - you know, for dramatic effect and everything. By "we" I mean me. And I mean "crazy" in that in a mere 5.5 weeks I will turn a quarter of a century old, which just sounds OLD. Next, only 11 weeks from now, I will graduate from college. "What then?" you ask? Well, I'm taking a poll - so submit your suggestions via the comment box below! I will gladly review them all and take each idea into consideration. I'm praying that God will speak through you to help cast some vision....

But really.... I have no idea. :)

As I was just writing in my journal about this inner dilemma, I wrote to God: "I just want to live for you!" Before I even finished writing the words on the page I felt the reassurance/conviction in my heart -- 

Living for God has less to do with my choice of jobs and more to do with the condition of my heart and how that plays out in the day-to-day of life. It's all about the little things... the things that nobody sees and are often overlooked. These are the things that are most important and reveal most about who we are (and WHOSE we are!). 

Living for God starts with how I respond to everyday situations & frustrations. It is in how (or IF) I look for ways to serve & love the people around me. It's how I live and the choices I make when nobody's watching -- integrity: "We are who we say we are, and we always do the right thing, regardless of expediency"(Global Expeditions). Living for God has to do with how I choose to spend my time and where I focus my thoughts. 

It starts with the HEART, then overflows to everything else... actions, decisions, career choices, major life decisions, etc. Those are all just a reflection of an inward decision to follow Jesus. He constantly refines our hearts, which cause us to walk more closely with Him and reflect His glory.

It seems that those "little" things are actually pretty important; I'd venture to say they're the MOST important & have a pretty BIG impact on our lives.

"Above all else, guard your heart, for 
everything you do flows from it." - Proverbs 4:23

So what I have to remember in the midst of the coming craziness and decision making is this:

Everything will fall into place, because God is in control. If I focus on what's in my heart - and what's coming OUT of it - then I will be more naturally inclined to follow the Holy Spirit where it leads me. It is more valuable that my heart be positioned before the Lord than figuring out the details of a five-year plan... that will all come as a result of seeking the Lord and following Him closely. I want to walk so closely with Jesus that I just naturally go where He wants me to go and do what He wants me to do. 

Saturday, September 14, 2013

Mary Chose What is BETTER

"As Jesus and his disciples were on their way, he came to a village where a woman named Martha opened her home to him. She had a sister called Mary, who sat at the Lord's feet listening to what he said. But Martha was distracted by all the preparations that had to be made. She came to him and asked, 'Lord, don't you care that my sister has left me to do the work by myself? Tell her to help me!' 'Martha, Martha,' the Lord answered, you are worried and upset about many things, but only one thing is needed. Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her'"(Luke 10:38-42, emphasis mine).

Like you, I've heard this story of Mary and Martha probably 500 times. I don't know about you, but every time I read it, I feel conviction. Am I more like Martha today - "worried and upset about many things"? Or maybe more like Mary - sitting at the feet of Jesus, listening to what he has to say?

My typical personal assessment reveals a desire to be like Mary, but a schedule and actions that look a lot more like Martha. My natural tendency, as a recovering people-pleaser and perfectionist, is to go-go-go and do-do-do, everyday all day. If I can't check off a certain number of tasks from a list at the end of the day, then I may feel as if I failed something or someone. Heaven forbid someone find out that I didn't get everything done, skipped a class, forgot to make my bed, spent a night NOT doing homework when there's enough to fill a week's worth of time, stopped going to the gym, left dishes in the sink, etc, etc...

Martha runs around like a crazy person trying to complete necessary tasks and is naturally irritated with her sister for sitting on the ground doing nothing. But in all of that busy work, Martha is not at peace... she's worried and upset. Her work is not fulfilling

Then there's Mary. All we know about her is that she is sitting at the feet of Jesus and listening to him. Jesus calmly reprimands Martha and explains that "Mary has chosen what is better." Mary is perfectly aware of all the tasks and work that must get done, but those things don't even come close in priority to being with Jesus. She gets it. 

I started a new semester (ahem, my LAST semester!) of school three weeks ago and life got crazy-stressful REAL fast. It was as if everything was put in a blender and I just stood there and watched as my priorities, tasks, responsibilities and time got all mixed and mushed right before my eyes. It was hard to stop the chaos after it started... I quickly switched to introverted crisis mode. I was too tired to be around people. Clearly, not healthy. 

Last Sunday I slept in and spent the morning with Jesus. I turned on my favorite worship music playlist, read the Bible, and wrote a whopping twelve pages in my journal. In the midst of that, I realized that when life gets crazy and overwhelming, I always neglect the most important things. My quiet time, exercise, and healthy eating/sleeping habits are the first things to get dropped. Reality is, when I drop all of those things - especially time spent in the presence of God - that whole blender experience of watching my life get mixed up and confusing is practically unbearable. It's not a matter of sorting things out in a clear-headed way... it's a matter of sitting on the kitchen floor and crying, because I have absolutely nothing left to give.

So instead, I want to be like Mary. I want to choose what is better (JESUS) every time. No matter how busy, overwhelming, confusing, and frustrating life gets, stopping in the midst of it all to sit and listen to Jesus is worth far more than getting everything done and looking like I have it all under control. (Because let's be real, none of us do!)
I saw this while browsing Pinterest last night and it caught my eye... Do you see the parallel between this quote and the story of Mary & Martha? A busy life, though valued in our culture, is not what brings contentment or fulfillment. According to Socrates, it brings barrenness, or emptiness. Essentially, nothing. I'd rather live a simple life, not worried or upset about many things, but completely fulfilled by and hungry for the words of Jesus.

Lord, help me to choose what is better.   




Saturday, August 31, 2013

Part Two: Actively Waiting

I've been meaning to write a follow-up after re-reading my Thursday post (For When You Just Don't Know What To Do) a few times and realizing how desperate I sounded. Nothin' like a little raw emotion & confusion. :) I've been reading, praying, and talking and I've pulled together a few more thoughts -- probably a little more stream-of-consciousness-esque -- to draw some kind of conclusion about this idea of wading through the "unknown."

When you don't know something, the only thing you want at that point, is to know. But simply TRYING or HOPING to know, bring very little progress in actually knowing. We can muster up everything we've got and still end up with nothing. 

No direction. No insight. No clearly laid out path. 

http://www.scoutiegirl.com/2012/07/the-next-right-action.html
I talked on Thursday about being paralyzed in indecision. Essentially, choosing to stay put because I'm too afraid to move ahead in any direction. I want to know not just all options, but the outcome of each, so I can then determine which one is best. I like to make informed decisions. 

Reality is, I want to have every detail figured out so I can avoid making a mistake at any point along the way. 

Pshh. At least is sounds good. 
Wouldn't that be nice?

While that may be the reality of how I wish life worked... it is actually veeeery far from real life. Even when we think we have everything figured out in order to make a wise decision, things always change along the way; something unexpected comes up and we're forced to make room for this new information and change whatever necessary to accommodate the unexpected. It's inevitable. We'd be smart to plan FOR the inevitable, rather than assume that plan A will be carried all the way through.

"All great change is preceded by chaos." - unknown

Change is inevitable. And prior to change, even GREAT change, is oftentimes a mess of chaos. It's okay and good and natural... because life is messy & I don't have it all figured out.

So what does all of this have to do with waiting and not knowing?

Yesterday, as I was again re-reading my last post and trying to make something of it, I thought of the idea of "actively waiting." Purposeful waiting. Intentional waiting. The word "active" implies that the subject is DOING something during the process of waiting... in this case, waiting on the Lord for answers & direction. 

Seasons of waiting are not all about ignoring the questions and hoping that one day you will somehow "just know." I'm not saying that things can't just naturally fall into place, but I am saying that there are some things we can do in the meantime to be intentional about seeking wisdom in order to move forward...


  • Pray.
  • Ask for wisdom/counsel from others. 
  • Journal/process/reflect.
  • Refer to God's Word.
  • Make a list.
  • Sleep on it.
  • Gather more information.


There are lots of things to act on in the "waiting" of the unknown...

But even more than all of that... sometimes you just have to move into the unknown, without fully knowing. [Oh brother... now I'm going to have to mull over that thought for a few days and write a part three.] Sometimes moving forward means that you don't have all the answers, you don't know what it's going to look like, but you give it a shot anyways.... all the while trusting that the Spirit of God living in you directs your steps (whether you're aware of it happening or not). 

Whew. There are some more thoughts for ya... thank you Brianna & Sarah for your feedback via facebook on that last post -- your words encouraged my heart this week.




Thursday, August 29, 2013

For When You Just Don't Know What To Do

It's kind of like when I'm at the ice cream shop... you know, the birthplace of all good life lessons.

Do I want something fruity or something chocolatey? That decision will determine the type of toppings I choose and the other complimentary flavors that I will potentially add on the side. Sometimes I just stand there because I don't know what I want. It's not a life changing decision; I can always come back the following week and choose the opposite flavored concoction. But boy can I get myself worked up over a silly decision like what kind of ice cream to get and then end up standing there like an indecisive fool. I end up paralyzed in my indecision. As if, "I don't know what to do, so I'm just going to stand here and wait for divine inspiration" is a better option. 

It's okay not to know what to do [referring to real life now...not ice cream], but is standing there doing nothing really the most effective response?

I realize that it's not fair for me to compare dessert options with major life decisions. I get that. When choosing ice cream, it's probably okay to just pick a random option and go with it. It's silly to take a long time and weigh the pros and cons of each flavor option. (not that I haven't done that before) 

But when it comes to LIFE, what do you do when you just don't know what to do? When it feels like your mind is BLANK and your emotions are fuzzy (at best)? When your thoughts rest on each side of a massive pendulum constantly swaying back and forth, sometimes quickly and other times so slow it's barely visible... one thing appears to be true, but then five minutes later the opposite sentiment rings out and presents itself as truth. 

And all you're left with is a big ball of confusion. And probably a tight knot in the pit of your stomach. No fun at all.

"Not knowing" generally equals "Not moving."

We usually wait until we're confident before moving forward in any decision. We want to be smart, resourceful, consider all options. So when does the "not knowing" go away? Well, whenever you KNOW, I guess.

But HOW do you go from not knowing to knowing?

---------------

Well, those are my thoughts this morning.... I will have to finish a "part two" later, as I am already running late and the day feels like it just began. This week is moving far too quickly! 

Oh Lord, I need your grace. 

Wednesday, August 14, 2013

A Little List of Everything

I sure have a lot of catching up to do! Sitting here in a Portlandish-cozy coffee shop, sipping my usual hazelnut latte and soaking up the beautiful array of notes in the classical string music coming out of the speakers, I realize how much I miss this -- writing & coffee

I have two and a half hours to blog, read mi biblia, pour out my heart in the confines of my journal (just about time for a new one... I'm on the hunt), get my schedule situated for the next couple weeks, check off a few items on my grand 'ol to-do list, and make some progress on a few tasks for Cru. Whew! In the middle of a conversation via text message with a friend she made this observation about me: "you never like too much of either fun and relaxation or routine and business. Got to be a balanced mix of both to make you content." Oh, how true this is!!! Too much of anything throws me off... I thrive living right in a healthy balance of everything. 

After starting out my summer with a quick weekend trip in Portland, then a couple weeks later in Montana, then Texas, Panama, and now back to Portland for a week... I definitely feel ready to be home and settled into some kind of routine. Since coming back to the country, I've felt like my head is just swimming in a tsunami of crazy life-processing kind of thoughts. Short-term, long-term, hopes & dreams, decisions, plans, etc, etc... 

I'm not sure why my brain feels the need to figure it all out THIS week?! 

I think that what I need most is a list. A thankful [Thursday] kind of list - yes, on a Wednesday. This funky overwhelmed mood is nothing a little grateful perspective won't fix.

{Live.Laugh.Love.} Blog

1. I'm so thankful for this FULL summer of friends, fun, learning, experiencing, faith-building, traveling, leading, preaching, and teaching. God is so good!

2. I'm thankful for friends & family who are so incredibly supportive in helping me get to Panama (and covering me in prayer!) and partnering with me financially in my ministry with Cru this year. 

3. I'm thankful for a practically new car since returning from Panama! Everything from replacing the broken side mirror to new brake parts -- who knew my car was capable of driving so smoothly?!

4. I'm thankful for time to catch up with dear, old friends and enjoy good conversation together.

5. I'm thankful for the book The Finishers, by Roger Hershey, that is completely reinforcing what God did in my heart this summer in Panama. "My life for the gospel!"

6. I'm thankful that God provides completely and exactly what we need and when we need it. Even if I think I need something different at a different time. His ways are higher than my ways... and the results are always better. I will trust in Him, even when I can't see what's going on. 

7. I'm thankful for coffee shops... because where would I go to think without them?!

8. I'm thankful that I get to serve God in such a tangible way while I am finishing my degree this year. Well, shoot -- I'm thankful that I'm graduating from college, too! (four months from today I will be preparing for graduation!)

9. I'm thankful that God is faithful.... He's faithful to provide everything I need physically, spiritually & emotionally. He knows my heart. He has plans for my life. He's preparing me for what He has in store for the future, whatever that may be.

10. I'm thankful that I don't have to worry or be anxious. I can be rest my restless heart in God's hands because He's got it all under control. 

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See? I feel better already. I just pray that the junk of the world stops sneaking into my head and clouding my view of Truth. Help me to rest in you completely, Jesus!

Friday, August 9, 2013

All Things for GOOD

Today I'm in a bind. This month, an even BIGGER bind. Sometimes things don't work out the way we think they should... but we are promised that "in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose"(Romans 8:28). 

I woke up to an encouraging text from my best friend. I told her that I feel extra groggy this morning and needed to make coffee & breakfast before I started working on sorting out this dilemma and finding solutions. She said this: "Just remember, you only have to be obedient... do your part and trust God to take care of you." I need more than just coffee this morning; I need Jesus. I need peace, provision, and a reminder of the truth that He works ALL things together for good.

So I turned on some worship music and opened my Bible... I flipped to Romans 8 as "Your Love Never Fails," by Jesus Culture, started playing. There's a part in the song that just says "you work all things together for good" over and over and over again.... while at the same time I read in verse 28: "in ALL things God works for the good of those who love him."

It happened without me realizing that I was hearing the same truth in two different forms... when it finally "clicked," my heart was immediately encouraged. I "get" it! This message of truth that came so quickly, it's effect runs deep & is so sweet to my soul...

The Nameless Collective, Tumblr


I do need to be obedient and faithful in what God has called me to do... but I am not the provider, the one who brings success, or even the planner (as much as I'd like to think I am). I am learning to hold my plans with open palms... allowing for God to make them into what He wants, which is what is BEST. I don't see the big picture, but He's got it ALL under control. I can rest in the PEACE that comes from surrendering to and waiting on Him. I put my HOPE in His word, that is TRUTH. My hope is not in my own conjured up talents, abilities, or perfect planning... none of that will suffice. God is the one who brings everything together for good, even when it all seems to be a lost cause. He is GREATER than my plans... and STRONGER than my mistakes. He is faithful forever. Praise the Lord!

Tuesday, June 25, 2013

Preparation at it's Finest

I am a self-proclaimed preparation fanatic. Not only do I generally thrive in the area of preparation, but I also tend to construct multiple lists about how to best prepare prior to the actual preparing. (Did you get all that?)

Yes, I prepare for preparation.

My focus naturally tends to linger on the "checking off tasks" aspect of preparation. As in, "I will know I'm prepared if ___, ____, and___ are all complete by a certain time." I often think in "black and white" in this sense. Either you're prepared or you're not... and I know I'll be prepared if I can just get all the stuff done. If I can say that I read all of that, and am able to teach this part, and have a plan and a back up plan for X, Y, and Z, then I'm ready for whatever may come my way. And boy do I like to be READY. 

What I realized on this beautifully serene & reflective morning is this:

Preparation is less about the tangible tasks, and more about the position of my heart.

The tangible tasks of preparation ARE important, but I don't believe that they are the MOST important. I say this because even if all the tasks are completed at the correct time, if our hearts are not positioned in the appropriate places, then all the work is for naught.

Our effectiveness in preparing for, well anything, is exponentially greater when we humbly come before the Lord FIRST, prior to figuring it all out on our own.

Your head is clear, your heart at peace, your ideas are new and fresh, your perspective shifted, your confidence in the right place... if these INtangible things are not in place, then the tangible tasks of preparation carry far less significance and impact. 

Some of you may know that I am currently preparing to help lead a short term mission trip of mostly high school students to the islands + jungle of Panama NEXT week. (Ah, SO SOON!) There is definitely a lot of preparation that goes into a trip like this. I want the students to get as much out of our month together as possible! I want them to learn more about Jesus and His love for them. I want them to grow in their confidence in the Lord and in sharing their faith. I want them to overcome barriers and obstacles in their lives... things that hinder them from walking in the freedom God intends for them. I want them to have a greater understanding of the gospel and of what it means to live missionally with Kingdom vision. I want God to put a burning passion in their hearts for the people of Panama and those who do not know Him all over the world. I want them to develop vision for their lives in how they can live out this passion & vision. I do have some pretty hefty hopes for my team, but they are not going to get these things solely from a "good program" or my "creatively carved out plan" for the time I have with them.

Their lives are going to be changed by JESUS, not me.

At the end of the trip, they will remember the lasting impact that HE had on their hearts, not the plans that I had. Yes, the purpose of my plans are all to cultivate an environment that welcomes the Holy Spirit to move and provides opportunities for the students to receive from Him & bring glory to Him... but I had better be focusing my preparation on these two things first and foremost:

1. PRAYER -- If God is the one who is going to actually make life change possible in the lives of the students and people of Panama, I'd better be praying!

2. THE CONDITION OF MY HEART -- If my own heart is not in alignment with the Holy Spirit & full of truth, then what will I even have to offer the students on my team? Or the people of Panama, for that matter? If I am not completely FILLED UP, then there will be nothing to POUR OUT. I would so much rather be a catalyst for change, than merely a "program coordinator" or "trip facilitator."

This is why my own relationship with the Lord must be the top priority, or else I will have nothing to give. Even though I feel more accomplished & productive when I can check tasks off my many lists, if I don't prioritize prayer & time to allow God to work in my own heart, then my efforts will not reap the fruit I desire to see.

..........

On a side note: I am loving my time in Texas. There is a warm familiarity about this place, reminiscent of a time of extreme growth in my relationship with the Lord. (By "warm," I probably mean extreme heat & humidity... haha) I am so thankful for this place! I have another week to relax, visit with dear friends, and PREPARE, before I start off my trip! I can't wait to meet my team! 




Wednesday, June 12, 2013

Be like a lion.

I remember one day four summers ago when I had to make a certain phone call. I don't particularly enjoy talking on the phone anyway, but this one was sure to be a doozy. I knew it could either go really well or really poorly, and there was potential that I would end up hurt. The conversation was not one that I wanted to engage in, but one that I knew was necessary. I made the call. Life went on. So where does the lesson come in to play here?

It was the next day, when I was sharing about the phone call with someone, and his first response was this: "So were you a lion or a lamb?"

"Excuse me?" *confused expression*

"Were you a lion or a lamb... in the conversation. Did you stand up for yourself or back down? Were you bold like a lion?"

Since then, I've continued to ask myself this question. 

Who do I want to be today? 

Or better yet, who do my decisions and actions and words show that I am... regardless of who I wish to be?

I can want to run a marathon, but if I don't train, it's not going to happen.

I can want to have blonde hair, but if I don't take the steps to actually color it, I will always be a brunette (which we all know is better anyways!).

I can want to get a fancy new car (ok, I'd settle for something that simply has all mirrors intact and the gear shift in the right place...), but if I am not intentional about saving money, I will drive my little chevy cavalier forever and ever. Or at least until it dies. 

"...the righteous are as bold as a lion." Proverbs 28:1

I want to be a lion. 
Fierce. Bold. Undaunted by all of life's pressures and concerns. Self-assured. Confident. Courageous.

And where does this righteousness come from???
"God made him who had no sin to be sin for us, so that we might become the righteousness of God." 1 Corinthians 5:21
Jesus. 

We have no excuse not to be BOLD because it does not come from our own ability. Rather, complete reliance upon and confidence in Jesus results in boldness as HE alone is our righteousness. He provides strength and confidence for the "hey-I-didn't-even-know-I-had-that-in-me" moments. I hope to have many of those in my life. 

Who do you want to be? What do you want to do? What are you investing in?

Are you a lion or a lamb?

Who do your actions already show that you are?





http://americann0mad.tumblr.com/post/48237825898, via Pinterest



Thursday, May 23, 2013

Perfect Peace

Hello!

I probably have about 55 blog posts with this exact title.

You know why?

We all want peace.

Not in the hippie, tie-dye, bell-bottom craze kind of way...

Not shallow peace that satisfies for a moment...

But the real deal kind of peace. The peace that surpasses all understanding. Peace that exceeds our expectations. Peace that doesn't even seem possible in the unexpected curve balls of life. Peace that sinks down into the depths of your soul and fills every nook & cranny of your heart. All of the dark places that you aren't even aware of... peace that fills even those.

I write about peace because it is always relevant.

It is always a desire... and the world always tries to steal it.

Peace is something that we must fight for.

It doesn't just HAPPEN.

"Turn from evil and do good; seek peace and pursue it." (Psalm 34:14, 1 Peter 3:11)

SEEK peace. PURSUE peace.
This is not a passive pursuit; it requires ACTION and intentionality.

If you pursue peace in anything other than God, you will be sorely disappointed.
At least in the long run.

Peace is a result of ABIDING in Jesus. (John 15)
It is a by-product - or fruit - of walking in step with the Spirit of God (Galatians 5).


Love these prints by French Press Mornings
Trusting in the Lord leads to perfect peace. Keeping my mind - my thoughts & emotions - fixed on Him leads to stability. My desire to control and plan out every moment of my life, leads to frustration and craziness. It's about surrendering every moment... every wish, desire of the heart, fear and uncertainty, to the only One who is CERTAIN in this life. It's about simply letting go, in order to fully love... in order to LIVE LIFE with the complete JOY that God intends.

Worry and fear steal joy, but God promises peace to those who trust in Him!

I am so thankful for PEACE today. :)

Friday, May 17, 2013

Summa' Lovin'

My friends and I thought that we would want to go downtown and celebrate surviving the semester at the end of finals week. It sounded great, but in reality, I would be perfectly content if I didn't have to leave my bed for the next 12.5 days. My sleep schedule has been completely thrown off the last two weeks.

Also, I've worn yoga pants ever since finishing my last final.
This is merely a part of the semester end recovery process.
Don't judge me...

I heard a friend say yesterday that even though classes are over, her list of things to do hasn't seemed to decrease AT ALL. I can relate. It's more like, "Oh hey, now that school isn't completely consuming my life, I can actually turn my attention to every other area of my life that has been ignored to some degree or another for the last 16 weeks."

For example, I just remembered that I have a gym membership. Guess I should dust off my running shoes and get back at it!

Also, I better take advantage of being able to sleep as much as I possibly can NOW, because when I'm in Panama... let's just say, sleep is not guaranteed. Those darn roosters. :)

Neither is coffee. I need to use my time wisely... and spend approximatly 85% of it in coffee shops. ;-)

As a Communication and English major I do quite a bit of reading and writing throughout the course of a semester. (probably more than I even realize!) The difference for the next 14 weeks is that I get to read and write WHATEVER I WANT!!! I'm beside myself with excitment at the thought of this! Where will I even start?!

Another exciting thing about summer is... extensive TRAVELING. Love it! Portland, OR, Billings, MT, Dallas, TX, and Panama City, Panama + San Blas islands and Darien jungle are all on my list of destinations. So excited!

Oh, and I plan on doing a lot of hiking, hammack-ing, organizing my overflowing closet, filling up my journal, camping, sitting by the river, catching up with mis amigas, and brushing up on my espanol.

Summer is wonderful! So glad to have another semester under my belt... and only 5 more classes to go to finish up my college career!

After that, who wants to pay me to sit in a coffee shop and blog all day??!

Monday, May 13, 2013

Faith for the {Moment}

Sure, I can have faith for my life as a whole. I have faith in who God is and that He calls me His daughter. I have faith that Good always overcomes evil, and we are victorious in the end. 

But what about the details? Every day kinda stuff? The crazy mess of making decisions that effect a lifetime? What about today?

I've noticed that it's easier for me to say, "God I give you my life," but I'm more hesitant to say, "God, today is yours." It's harder to trust Him in the little details when I can't see the big picture.

I'm learning right now what it means to trust the Lord with TODAY, 
and not worry about tomorrow... or a year from now.

"You will keep in perfect peace 
those whose minds are steadfast, 
because they trust in You."
 [Isaiah 26:3]

All I know is what is in front of me right now. 
I can't make decisions based on what COULD be...
(aka - the imaginary situations I make up in my head) 
... Or what I think SHOULD be.
(aka - the imaginary expectations I assume are there)

The Holy Spirit guides step-by-step, but we often don't get the low-down on exactly where we're going, why we're going there, and when we're leaving. In my experience, I know just enough to chew on it for a while, let it settle, and then get a new piece of the vision as time goes on. 

"Your Word is a lamp for my feet,
a light on my path."
[Psalm 119:105]

A lamp to see where to take just the next step. 

When I take my thoughts captive and filter out all of the worry, fear, condemnation, anxiety, all that is left is faith for the moment
[2 Corinthians 10:4-5 + Philippians 4:8-9]

I trust that He will lead me to take the next faith step, at the right time that I need to take it. Until then, I enjoy the moment that He has set before me.  



Friday, May 10, 2013

Have You Found the Formula?

Even after the realization that I am constantly on the search for the great big formula of life (Not the math kind. I hate math. More like rules.), which has never been a fruitful search, I still find myself back in the same place. I understand that any formulas that may exist in the areas of life that I look for them (pretty much everything) are not grounded in truth and therefore, ineffective.
Nonetheless, I still search...

A formula for how to help a friend in the midst of crisis. A formula for balancing ministry and taking care of myself. A formula for finding my identity in Christ and not any other person or thing. A formula for making decisions - big or small.

A formula for the perfect coffee to creamer ratio... okay, I guess this last one will just come with practice.

Basically, I want to do the right thing and I want somebody to tell me exactly how to do it. It's the whole uncertainty factor that makes me nervous.

What if I do something wrong? What if what I end up doing is not what God intends?

What if.... whatif...whatifwhatifwhatif.

These "what ifs" drive me crazy. [Anybody with me?!]

It is this uncertainty factor that requires FAITH. 

If I was certain about the outcome of every decision and the exactly perfect path for my life, then where would my need for a Savior come in? Why would I need to depend on the Lord?

I love coming to that place where I've done all I can do. I've got nothing else to give. I'm at the end of myself, and I am forced to rely on God. I'm reminded again that I do not have all the answers, nor am I expected to. That frantic moment of: "BUT I JUST DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!"

The formula is that there is no formula. At least not the kind I seem to be looking for.

There are definitely guidelines, though.

Love God. Love others. [Matthew 22:37]

Doesn't get much more basic than that!

Everything else falls into place.

"When we play it safe, we squeeze God out of the formula. If we go only where we know and do what we're certain will succeed, we remove our need for God. Whenever we respond to God's invitation, our need for God becomes heightened. Whenever we take on a God-sized challenge, self-sufficiency is no longer an option." Chasing Daylight, Erwin McManus (p. 82)

"One of the wonders of uncertainty is that it is the environment in which God invites us to be creative." (McManus p. 77)

"He promises we can be certain about who He is and we can be certain about our relationship in Him, but how the journey plays out is full of uncertainties - the end of the story is not, though." (McManus p. 73) Praise the Lord!!!


Thursday, May 9, 2013

The WORD

You know, sometimes you just need to let TRUTH speak for itself.

"My son, if you accept my words and store up my commands within you,
turning your ear to wisdom and applying your heart to understanding,
and if you call out for insight and cry aloud for understanding,
and it you look for it as for silver and search for it as for hidden treasure,
then you will understand the fear of the Lord and find the knowledge of God.
 
For the Lord gives wisdom, and from his mouth come
knowledge and understanding.
He holds victory in store for the upright, he is a shield to those
whose walk is blameless, for he guards the course of the just and
protects the way of his faithful ones.
Then you will understand what is
right and just and fair - every good path.
For wisdom will enter your heart, and
knowledge will be pleasant to your soul.
Discretion will protect you, and
understanding will guard you."
 
Proverbs 2:1-11
 
Ever wonder about "God's plan for your life" or what direction you should take?
Abide in HIM and He will give you wisdom. He will "guard your course" and "protect your way." Call out for insight & search for wisdom... "then you will understand the fear of the Lord and find the knowledge of God."
 
I'm completely convinced that everything we keep looking for and striving for will either COME or become INSIGNIFICANT as we learn to abide more and more fully in God. 

Tuesday, May 7, 2013

Relevant Mag Article: "The Myth of Perfect Dating"

Check out: "The Myth of Perfect Dating"

I have a lot of catching up to do in response to all of these awesome articles I keep finding! :)

For now, just wanted to post it to share...

I'm still preoccupied with writing about other random things for school. The past four days have been about gang violence in schools, the next four days will be on the Appalachia English dialect, and the following five days will be about the book Nervous Conditions and the effect of colonialism in Zimbabwe.

Apparently I am going to leave college with a ton of random knowledge. :)

Have a great day, friends! I can feel the nearness of summer where I will sit in coffee shops and write 'til my little hearts content, about the things that I want to write about! Glorious.

Friday, May 3, 2013

Some thoughts for this Friday afternoon...

I'm thinking about quite a few things today, but they are too scattered to sufficiently produce a coherent single-subject post. Thus, my favorite: a list. A quick update for you & a release of my desperate need to just write something. Scratch that, I have a whole heck of a lot of writing to do... but it all revolves 

1. I love that it's Friday today, but I will REALLY love Wednesday the 15th at about 7:00 pm even better because by that point I will be completely done with school for three whole months! I could cry, I'm so excited. 16 pages to write, give or take a few.

2. REI garage sale this Saturday. Hoping to score some cheap chacos and gear for Panama! Bring it!

3. I posted a link to an interesting article from Relevant Magazine on Facebook a couple days ago called "Stop Waiting For Him to Ask You Out." I merely shared the article and asked for thoughts, which brought in a number of responses! I enjoyed reading through everyone else's thoughts and look forward to writing my own thoughts in response to the article. If you haven't read the article, I recommend it! And check back soon-ish for a post HERE about how it challenged what I grew up thinking about relationships, which tended to be more rule-driven and included a lot of fear. 

4. I'm feeling thankful for God's provision, as even when - especially - when I have no plan, He continues to work. His faithfulness endures, even when I fail. It is good for my heart to rest in His promises and grow in the confidence that HE is my provider. My ability to pay bills or fund a mission trip or raise a team of monthly supporters or finish college, actually has nothing to do with my ability at all. If that were the case, none of these things would happen. 

5. I'm excited to chat with my co-leader for Panama in a few minutes and start discussing plans for our team this summer!!! I can't wait to finally be done with school so that preparations for Panama can take a higher priority. 

6. I was reminded this week of Casey Johnson's definition of guarding your heart that has stuck with me for several years. "Guarding your heart" is essentially not allowing your thoughts to go farther than he has led. Meaning, if he says "Thanks for being my friend," you don't translate that to "Will you be my wife?" I know it sounds ridiculous, but let's just be real... it happens. There is beauty in simply living in the moment and enjoying the HERE and NOW, without getting all worked up about the would-be's and could-be's. Quit over thinking. Quit analyzing. Just accept joy for TODAY as a sweet gift from the Lord. 

Monday, April 29, 2013

Monday Morning Mercies

It's a new day... new week... new mercies.

{Feeling inspired this morning.}

The stress of school will come to an end (in 16 days, to be exact).
Preparations for Panama will come together (65 days to go).
Working hard to raise a team of monthly supporters for when I join staff with Cru in August (too many days to start a countdown).

Often, the things we worry about today will work themselves out if we just work hard and wait it out. Three weeks from today, I will be done with school, no matter how well I do on my remaining assignments. It's probably going to be a crazy three weeks, but after that point I will be done!

Prioritizing means that you choose what to focus on now... what is urgent AND important. Some of those priorities may change everyday.

"Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for His compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness." Lamentations 3:22-23

So thankful for this truth that sustains my soul. Each day there is a new refreshment of Jesus' love that fills me up so that I don't have to be consumed by the worries of the world.

Also thankful that my life & identity are not defined by my failures. Everyday there are missed opportunities or ways that I should have responded differently or burdens heaped on and carried, rather than released.

Finding joy in knowing that there is a bigger picture... even if I don't know exactly what that is. I can still have confidence that there IS a plan. :)

Monday mornings can be hard. If you've been on facebook yet today - or really, any social media - you probably saw someone's post about experiencing the Monday morning blues. It's hard to wake up early. Hard to go back to work or school. It's hard to think about the demands that come with starting a new week. That is all true, but it doesn't have to effect us so drastically if we choose to change our perspective and not take any day for granted. You can enjoy Monday just as much as you enjoy Friday... or at least, see purpose in it. ;-)

Far too often I hear myself say that I need to just "make it through" a day; how many missed opportunities have I had to be a blessing or learn from an experience because I had that attitude?



EACH day brings new opportunities.
We have the choice to either embrace or ignore them.
What will you choose today?