Wishful Thinking

Sometimes, when it's unbearably hot, I like to think about a time long ago when it was cold. Do you remember that time? It's easy to forget because my mind gets so foggy with all of this humidity. But there really was one day (or a few days) that was cold. In fact it was VERY cold this year. It was SO cold... we had a snow day. :)

I rarely had snow days back home in Portland, but when they came I was beyond excited! I'm pretty sure that nobody how old I get, I will ALWAYS be excited about snow days. No school, bundle up in half the clothes in my closet and spend the day outside with my brother and the neighbors throwing snowballs, sledding, building snowmen. I would sit in the living room at 6:00 in the morning just to see my school roll across the ticker tape that said "CANCELLED" - what a day!

Like I said, when it gets hot here, I like to think about the snow day that we had in February. There was SIX INCHES of snow on my porch!!! Class got out early that day and when I came home Heather, Emily and I went outside to play. We started out making a huge snowman... but, evidently, that was just too normal for us... we ended up making a Snow Dinosaur!!! It's probably the coolest thing I've ever seen. I thought I'd share it with you now, in the heart of summer, to remind you that someday it WILL get cold again... God bless that day...

*Disclaimer*

I really don't mean to keep posting solemn posts of goodbyes, farewells, emotions, and all this CHANGE... but it really is just the state that I'm in right now. You can check back in about 4 months and hopefully I'll have been inspired by something new by that point. Maybe I'll just write about the beauty of the mountains. And drinking coffee and looking at the mountains. And hiking on the mountains. Ah, life is good. :)

Enjoy!

A New Perspective of "GOODBYE"

"In order to be where God wants you to be, you have to leave where He doesn't want you to be." Paul Hatfield (The Pursuit)

Maybe I've been looking at this whole concept of goodbye with the wrong mindset. Maybe it's not as bad as I think it will be. Maybe there is even PURPOSE behind what the Lord has called me to do. (Duh) There is something greater coming after the goodbye... the goodbye is not the end.

I haven't been completely and utterly dreading this goodbye. It's been more of a roller coaster ride: one day I get SO excited about being a college student at BSU and finding a job that I will get a paycheck for and seeing the magnificent mountains every single day... then the next day all I have to do is take my precious GI's out to coffee at Mercy Ships and think, "Gosh, I'm going to miss this little coffee shop and these beautiful people and this campus that I know so well and did I mention the people? I'm sure going to miss these non Texan friends who all strangely ended up in Texas. (Okay, and I'll miss the Texans, too.)

See - I go from one extreme to another. (Maybe that's why I've been so tired lately...) All of that to explain that I'm definitely not living in the depths of despair over this, but I think that I could always adopt a more eternal, more joyful perspective. Especially regarding change. Because with change comes the unknown. DUN DUN DUN. I dont' know where I'm going to work in August. I don't know what classes I'm going to take. I don't know what my friendships will look like. I don't know if my car will make it to Boise. (Just kidding on that last one - I'm fairly confident that it'll be just fine.) When I think about all of this "unknown," I tend to draw back. I'd rather stay with what I DO know. The unknown requries trust. Saying goodbye to something old and stepping into something new requires trust.

Trust in HIS wisdom, not your own. Romans 8:28 "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." I need to trust at all times that God knows infinitely more than I do. Therefore, I would much rather HIM map the course of my future, than me, in my futile mind guess as to what the best option potentially could be. Choosing to follow the Lord will always benefit me AND His Kingdom; even when it's hard to tell how it will all work out.

So the new perspective is this: even when you can't see the future and fear the unknown, just know that you can choose to follow God - the King of Kings - who knows just where He wants you. His plan for you are GOOD. Where He leads may not be easy. But He promises that He will NEVER leave you.

This is the verse that encouraged me as I graduated High School and prepared to move to Texas for what I thought would be a one year long internship (it turned into 3 years somewhere along the way...) -- Joshua 1:9 "Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go." He will be with me WHEREVER I GO. Whether it's Oregon or Texas or Idaho or somewhere that I don't even know about yet. He will always be with me... before and after the inevitable "Goodbye."

Contentment.

I wish I were doing school this summer so I would have something more to fill my surprisingly free hours during the day.

I wish I lived in Jurassic Park again... I didn't think I would say that back in October when I still freaked out on the semi-rare occasion that I saw a cockroach. (okay, so I'd still freak out if I saw a cockroach... somethings I will never get used to) I just loved the serenity of living in the back forty. And I loved the fact that I only had one housemate and we kept the place very tidy.

I wish it were not so hot. I got a small sunburn yesterday at the TM car wash and now just standing outside makes my skin feel like its on fire.

I wish I knew where my license was... I hate when I lose things that are that important. :-/

I wish I had fruit and milk at home so I didn't have to go to the grocery store and spend money and drive without a license.

I wish I liked water. That would sure make it a lot easier to stay hydrated and energized this summer.

I wish I was a natural leader.

And I'm not even going to get into the whole "I wish I were married" conversation... I don't actually wish I were married. I am in a good season of growth. Vital to my singlehood. I'll accept it. But I just had to mention it in a blog on contentment...

The Apostle Paul says in Philippians, "I have learned to be content in ALL circumstances."

Lord, why does my heart feel so melancholy today? Teach me to be content in all circumstances, blessings, failures, shortcomings and wishes. Even when plans don't work out the way I hoped - big or small. Don't let those small discontentments creep in and discourage me. Remind me that my joy is found in YOU and only you. I will choose to stand upon the truth of your word and keep my eyes fixed on Jesus. Don't hold onto these worldly things that do not even matter in light of eternity... hold on to the One who's foundation is firm and arms are inviting.

T.G.I.F.

This is going to be a RANDOM post -
consider yourself forewarned. :)



This random post is complete with a random picture of my brother and I eating In-N-Out Burgers in Redding, California. I really miss him a lot.



Do you remember watching the TGIF television shows on Friday night?! Those were the days! Boy Meets World... and I can't remember what else. But they were awesome.

It's just been a whole 4 days since I last posted... not that I haven't thought ABOUT posting, I just couldn't decide WHAT to post. I don't know if it's writer's block or just the strangeness of this week that has kept me from formulating a coherent sentence to share with you all. I'm just going to start typing and see what comes out. (that's bound to be exciting! ha!)

This is an update on my life since Monday:

1. I am now CPR/First Aid certified! I only did it because it's required to be a Team Leader on a mission trip with Global Expeditions. I am praying so hard that I never have to see a broken bone protruding from someone's skin. I really don't think I'll be able to handle that.

2. I received my financial aid info from Boise State!!! $5200 Pell Grant - that's half of the tuition for the year! And I'm working out the other half between my Dad and student loans. It's exciting to see these plans all come together. I know that the Lord will continue to provide a job... a home... friends.

3. As you can see in my previous post from Monday, this has been a week of hard-hitting reality. I have a week and a half until my Dallas mission trip, then only two weeks after my mission trip until the time my mom and I drive up to Idaho. It's such a strange, strange feeling.

4. I made BBQ chicken and corn on the cob for dinner last night - Heather made fun of it a little bit, because the BBQ sauce was carmelizing and looked a little funny (I don't blame her) - but I proved her wrong when it tasted DELICIOUS! Just call me the crazy cook - it may start out a little rocky, but the meal usually comes together in the end! It's okay. I'm learning. And I really CAN cook; I even enjoy it, too.

5. I quit my job at the Bed and Breakfast and put in my notice at Grace Community Church. Like I said, so little time left! It's all catching up to me! I will be very sad to leave the kids at church. And the awesome people that I get to work with. :(

Well, I suppose that's all of the rambling I'll do for now. I hope you have a wonderful FRIDAY!

Today.

Today was an emotional day.

I didn't cry at all... but I felt like I should about 23 times.

The reality of this summer is starting to hit me.

I finished up my training manual to pass the torch to the three lucky 3rd/4th year GIs who are going to take over my responsibilities in Acquire the Fire Operations starting in August.

I met with two of my current GIs to go over summer projects to prepare for the 2010-2011 ATF Tour.

I talked to my mom at lunch and we discussed her flight arrangements, getting my car checked out to drive up to Boise and what luggage I should use.

One of the interns that I worked with last year is down here visiting for the week...

I talked with one of my GIs and my manager about a contigency plan in case we can't find somebody to take over the Registration Supervisor position. (and part of my heart just wanted to say, "Well, maybe I should stay. I could do it." But I can't do it. The future of ATF is NOT on my shoulders. Thank you, LORD.)

I just felt so reminiscent and emotional alllll day long.

Good thing my manager brought me some peanut butter and pretzel M&Ms to replenish my candy jar. They have been helpful in controlling my unruly emotions. :)

And now I get to go play with some three year olds at church and remember that all is right in the world; because the Lord holds my future in HIS hands!!!

Killing Bugs... Jack Bauer Style!

Thursday night was HIGHLY eventful...

1) I got a text from Emily that said she wanted to go to Cracker Barrel for dinner -- because we all needed to spend some quality time together. :) Arielle stayed home because she was sick, but Heather, Emily and I went out to eat. When we left the restaurant... Heather had a flat tire. I mean FLAT, as in, all the way to the ground. So, we rolled up our sleeves, put on our "I-can-do-anything" sort of attitude and got out the jack and wrench-thing to put on the spare tire. Yeah, that lasted all of 3 minutes until a kind fellow came out and saw us in our plight and decided to help. He just walked right up and started cranking away - didn't even ask if we needed help! That sort of thing only happens in Texas... It was probably for the best anyways. There's no saying what would have happened if we actually tried to drive on the spare tire that we put on... Thank you, Lord!

2) Then when we got home it was HOT. Our AC is broken again and it was hotter in our bedroom than it was outside. And it was about 80 degrees outside. Lord, have mercy! We have fans blowing every which way to just keep some air circulation. But now it sounds like we live in a wind tunnel because the fans are very LOUD. And we don't dare open the windows -- who knows what kind of creature could climb in and find refuge in our room while we sleep!!! horrifying thought.

...it only gets better from here...

3) So as we were contemplating how we woulc ever sleep in those conditions, a massive bug just hopped right into our room! It was a camel cricket, as Heather explained. It's not easy to just kill bugs that are that big... they're too juicy. :) Anyway, he hopped in and went right under Heather's bed! I grabbed the flashlight, "I've got a visual!" I yelled to the other two. He was too fast. We lost him. Within minutes a SECOND critter walked right into our room... a SCORPION. I grabbed my flip flop as the nearest weapon, but my shoulder spazzed out because I was so nervous so I ended up just throwing the shoe which didn't do any good at all. Thankfully, Emily recovered for me and whacked the nasty little thing about 27 times until he was good and dead. Then Heather scooped him up and we went to flush him -- I had to watch her back in case any others came up behind her to attack. It's this weird peeve thing she has.

The camel cricket was still at large, so there was NO way that we would go to sleep... BUT, it didn't take long for him to show up... on Heather's pillow! Heather and Em created this elaborate plan and it sounded JUST like something out of 24... "We need to blockade the edge of the bed so we can't get out." "Move, move, move!" I just tried to do what I was told. And not pee my pants! It was so exciting. And incredibly frightening. Up at the top are the mug shots of the two bugs that tried to invade, good thing we got to them in time. :)

Basking.

This train of thought it very interesting... I hope you can follow it; it really makes perfect sense to me. :)

I've been very much "lost in thought" recently. I have chosen to simply sit and THINK on multiple occasions this week. Sometimes it drives me crazy because I feel like I just "think" myself around in circles, but it just seems necessary right now.

I went to the Global Expeditions commissioning night last night. It's the BIG night on campus where we cast vision and prepare to send the missionaries all over the world starting in just a few hours from when I wrote this. It is a very special time of worship, prayer, unity and vision. I am not going on a trip for another few weeks, but I went to observe and pray over those who are being sent out.

After walking amongst the teams, I found a bench and sat down. I pulled my knees up to my chest and turned my eyes toward the dark, night sky to stare at the stars. I thought about some times. I prayed about some things. I sang along with the worship songs that the band played. I argued with some of the things that I had thought about. I poured my heart out to God. I cried only a little bit. Basically - a lot of vulnerability was happening. Nobody else was sitting with me - but sometimes it takes a lot of courage to even be real with yourSELF.

I've been learning about prayer for a long time and asking the Lord to give me a heart for prayer like I have never known before; I want to grow in deeper intimacy with the Lord and cultivate a desire to dwell in His presence. So after this awesome night of commissioning the missionaries and sitting on my bench under the stars and THINKING so dang much, I thought of the word "BASK."

It reminds me of a painting that I made during the Spring Fasting LTE my intern year. The painting is of a setting sun... or maybe a rising sun... I haven't officially decided yet. In the peachy colors of teh sun I wrote the phrase, "Bask in His Glory." In the blue of the sky above the sun are the words, "Find comfort in His peace." BASK. Just to be. To dwell.

I do not understand why my mind has been so inundated with thoughts of everything from family to relationships to the future to the present to work and emotions and priorities... and as frustrating as it may be Lord, just let me bask. Synonyms of bask: streth out, relax. To relax is to unwind, calm down, LET GO, and rest. Jesus - I want to bask in your presense. Help me to find my peace in who YOU are, and not in anything that my heart may wander after. Keep my attentions fixed solely on you and your purposes.

Ignorance is Bliss

So last August I bought a 2004 Nissan Sentra. I had saved and waited and searched and sought advice and eventually decided to make the big purchase. It may sound silly, but I learned an awful lot just going through that process of buying a car. It was a large purchase - which is rough on the bank account when you work for free at a ministry. My only income was my $150 monthly food allotment check! Well, I found a good deal and decided to snatch it!

Here's a shot of my quirky little car on the day I bought it... Broken doors, crazy "service engine soon" light, only starts on the third try, and covered in red Texan dirt... but I love it!

Being a native Oregonian, and a sheltered driver - my Dad always helped take care of my cars when I was in High School, I was very confused when I got pulled over on Saturday because my tags were expired. I thought I took care of that back in March or February or something like that?? Come to find out - don't laugh at me - all I did was renew my registration, which has NOTHING to do with my car's inspection. The inspection expired in MARCH. Whew. I plead my ignorance and explained that I'm not from here (well, that's obvious!) and I'm actually moving in a couple of months and I really don't know what I'm doing... "please have pity on me, kind sir!" Okay, so I didn't say all of that - but I hoped that he caught the drift anyway. Thankfully, he understood that I wasn't rebellious, I just don't know what I'm doing, so he gave me 14 days to get it inspected and send proof to the county courthouse.

That's only the second time I've ever been pulled over after driving for 6 and a half years! My brother has been driving for four years and has been pulled over about 50x more than I have. :) Remind me to check the registration/car inspection protocol when I move to Idaho... I could find myself in another sticky situation of ignorance.

A Blog About Blogging... My Work in Progress

This is a picture of me.

Not the most flattering... but blogs are supposed to be REAL, right?! (Just please disregard the yellow tint... must be the lighting in here. And the fact that I used my old school flip phone as a camera.)

This picture is significant for two reasons:

1) I am wearing a hoodie and sweats because the air conditioning was finally fixed in my bedroom and it's cold and I LOVE IT!

2) This is me learning about blogging. :) I just thought I'd capture the moment.

In the past weeks and months I have discovered that writing is not only something that I do well with in school; I really, REALLY love to write! I have become so passionate about writing and journaling and blogging and reading other people's writing. I'm a little bit hesitant to say, "I'm going to be a writer and live happily ever after entertaining people with my wit and wisdom." That just doesn't seem practical. But, if we're going to be real here, I think it just might be a dream of mine. We'll see what becomes of it.

And with that... Can you offer any advice?! How can I enhance my blog? How do I get people to read this? Really, I'll accept any kind of advice at all; I'm just a young whipper snapper. Also - How in the WORLD do you fold fitted sheets?! I've been taught about 23 times throughout my life, but I can never seem to get it just right. Maybe it's one of those skills that are only acquired after you get married. See! I need as much help as I can get!

Reasons Why I'm NOT Excited to Move...

1. Heather, Emily & I will be in three different time zones. That's just... wow... I don't really want to think about that right now.

2. Chris and Sarah Lay - steady mentors/friends since I was an intern

3. Sam & Lisa Hasz (and kids!) - I have been incredibly blessed by their love & support. I feel apart of the family. Thank you!

4. I've grown to be comfortable in Texas. I didn't necessarily expect that to happen. But after 3 years of living here, I finally know my way around. :)

5. Leaving the protection of Teen Mania - housing/food/job all provided

6. Leaving the environment of Teen Mania Ministries

7. Choices - Yes, I'm fully aware that this was ALSO a reason why I AM excited to move... but I'm still in the beginning stages of learning how to go through that sometimes-sticky decision making process. And most times it's just downright hard. Most times I just wish that somebody else would tell me which car to buy or which job to apply for or how many hours I should work or when it's okay to choose sleep over studying. You know... all of those things that my mom used to help with. But now I'm 21. Have I mentioned how strange that is, being 21?!

8. Will I have climate-shock when I experience the many months of COLD in Boise?! I think that's a legitimate concern!

9. What if I don't make friends?! Just kidding. I know that I WILL make friends... but there will surely be that awkward first few months when I'm still in the process of actually building up friendships in a new place where I know all of ONE family. It will just take time.

10. I will miss my wonderful interns and awesome GI's in ATF Ops. I'll even miss ATF Ops, the department. I'm sure there will be many times next year when I wish I could just come back and HELP when it gets busy. I'll want to have my little office in the corner so that those stressed out GI's can come sit and cry and I'll want to make them coffee and feed them starburst candies and take them out to lunch and remind them to depend on the Lord's faithfulness because He is still in control... even through our many failures. Gosh, I love those moments.

Reasons Why I'm Excited to Move...

1. Internet Access

2. Coffee Shops GALORE

3. Jamie York. My dear friend.

4. Mountains

5. I'll feel like a real college student. Sometimes I feel like I should still be in High School. But I'm 21 years old... I should be passed that phase. Is this normal?

6. I'll be far, far away from the blistering heat and swampy humidity that burns my face and keeps my lungs from working properly. It's rough down here in Texas.

7. Choices. Where I live... where I work...how I spend my time. Just another step toward adulthood. Not always fun or easy, but a part of growing up none the less.

8. A MUCH shorter drive to see my family. (i.e. my first Thanksgiving at home in 3 years!!!)

9. Settle into one place and not have to think about what I'm going to do "next year" - just live in the here and now.

10. Community - become involved in a church and meet people and live life together

*** Disclaimer: For those of you who don't know, if anybody even reads this lovely little blog, I officially decided to move to Idaho and go to school at Boise State. I am VERY much looking forward to this next phase of life... but in a day or two I'll probably make a post of all the reasons why I am NOT excited to move. It goes both ways, I guess. ;-)

Sunday Naps.

I took a nap Sunday afternoon. It was wonderful. Sometimes naps are just the right sized mini vacation to relax your bones and your brain to feel refreshed. That's the good side of naps. There can be a bad side to them, though... They don't always end in the same state of "bliss." Have you ever taken one of those healthy/supposedly energizing 15-minute naps? They mostly just make me cranky that I was only able to lie down for 15 minutes. It never seems long enough! (It's likely that I will recant that statement when I become a mother... but for now, it stands.) Besides, it probably would take me the first 10 minutes just to quiet my mind and actually fall asleep!

But no, this nap was luxurious. I got home from church after running to the bank, car wash, and grocery store and I made myself a tasty little lunch. I picked up a book that I borrowed from my mom and as I read and ate I could feel the sleepiness settling in. It's almost as if you have to go through a checklist before you allow yourself to nap. You know what I mean... "If there anything else I should be doing right now? No... and I don't have to be anywhere for three WHOLE hours? That's awesome. Okay... FREE TO SLEEP!" Ahh. I felt so relaxed. I set the book down and curled up on the little couch in my room with no air conditioning and closed my eyes. I just love those slow-paced Summer Sunday afternoons. Glorious.

Encouragement for today... go... go take a nap. :)