Life in Constant Motion

Today, I set out to write. Then I pulled up blogger on my laptop and stared at the screen until I decided I'd start my writing my monthly prayer letter to my support team and hope that spurred on some blogging inspiration. I think there are too many big, exciting, scary, new things on my heart that it's difficult to wrap it up in one nice blog-sized package. Instead, this post will likely be packed with recent experiences, future plans, and the emotions that accompany both. Mostly, I just love to write. And sometimes you have to do what you love out of discipline and sheer passion rather than waiting for a clear outlined plan. Sometimes you've just got to go with what you've got and see what happens.

Art by Abby Hyslop Lettering //
http://www.abbyhyslop.com/journal/

I love this quote by Jim Elliot, the well-known missionary to the Quechua Indians in Ecuador: Wherever you are, be all there. Such beautiful truth, especially in this fast-paced life, full of constant, unexpected change. Despite all of that change and craziness, this quote reminds me that there is joy and purpose in this moment. There is something worth celebrating in today. There is so much to learn right now.

We so easily get caught up in looking ahead to the future, looking forward to what's coming up, and planning for the next few steps. While those things are not inherently bad or destructive, they can definitely steal the joy of the moment.

We've probably all experienced working with or being around somebody who is clearly not "all there." In my experience, it feels like that person doesn't care about the task at hand or the people around them; they disregard the present for what they hope to experience in the future. How unfortunate! Please God, don't let this be true of me. I want people around me to know that they matter to me... in my life... right now. I want to truly appreciate and cherish the moments I have with sweet friends, while I have them in my life.

The reality is, change is inevitable. Sometimes the changes are planned out well in advance, and other times they just happen spontaneously, feel rushed and hurried, or just spring up faster than expected. We really don't know how much time we have with people. I've experienced so much change in the past seven years since graduating from High School and have been blessed by such precious people in each season of my life--even if the season was a quick one. I'm so thankful, really... I feel overwhelmed just thinking about it.

I realized this morning that God has always provided specific people for me to "do life with" in the midst of every change and big, new thing I've experienced. He has never left me or abandoned me; I've always been completely covered by His grace & love. Thank you, Jesus. It is a comfort to know that in light of His faithfulness, what has always been true of God, will continue to always be true. I don't have to worry about Him changing or leaving. And I trust that when change comes up again, as it inevitably will, He will provide for my every need.

Some Thoughts on Worry

I remember a teacher several years ago who said not to take notes unless you would actually review them later. That gave me the freedom to decide that sometimes it makes sense to take notes, but other times it's most helpful to simply listen and take it all in. 

I'd say that most Sundays at church are "listen and take it all in" kind of days. Today, though, was a "scribble out notes as fast as you can" kind of Sunday morning... and make a mental note to tell Bren that he talks too fast because I have a few half-definitions. ;-)

At Revolution22 we're studying the book of Matthew. Today, we focused on chapter 6, verses 25-34, which as you may know, is about not worrying. I feel like I always need this message about relinquishing control for the umpteenth time and surrendering to Jesus. It's not about ME; it's all about HIM.

I was especially looking forward to a message on worry after the ridiculous week that just ended. It started last Sunday when I slammed my finger in a locked door (i.e. you can't open the door right away), spent most of Monday car sick and nauseous, had a weird allergic reaction on my face on Wednesday night (No more cheap moisturizer!), then spent the next 24 hours recovering from that and the effects of the Benedryl... and it concluded Friday night with hours of severe abdominal pain, which resulted in my first trip to the ER, at midnight, by myself. 

Oh, it's been one HECK of a week. 

A friend asked this morning if the pain was caused by stress. She and I have had this conversation many times before. Sometimes my body responds to stress even before my brain knows that I'm stressed out and anxious. I don't know for sure if that's what's causing the issue in my stomach, but stress has the potential to lead to pretty much any health problem. And I am in a season of intense transition right now, which naturally causes stress. But having health issues just exacerbates that stress.... so it's kind of a messed up cycle, if you ask me.

All of that to say, I was in just the right mental position to soak up all these words of truth regarding worry. Whether my brain knows that I'm stressed out or not, it's always good to be reminded of what is true and evaluate where I am placing my trust. 

So, here are some thoughts - written by me, conveyed through Bren, spoken by Jesus... 

Matthew 6:25-34

1. Verse 25 - "Therefore" - This word tells us to look back at the last few verses. The previous section (6:19-24), talks about how the things that you value indicate who/what you serve. "Where your treasure is, there your heart will be also"(v. 21). So, if God is your master, why would you worry?

2. Some of us worry because we don't believe we have a Father in heaven who knows what we need.

3. It is unnecessary for us to fear, be anxious, or worry because of the faith God has planted in us.

• He gives us the grace we need for this day. (v. 34)
• Your actions indicate your level of faith in God. (i.e., how we respond to situations)
• You're either a worrier or a child of God; you're either living for God's Kingdom or your own. (v. 32-33)
• It's not about trying to perform better. The anecdote to worry is a focused pursuit of God's Kingdom. It's about transitioning from serving SELF -- to serving JESUS, a change of priorities.

SEEK:

1. Pursue it like you really want to find it.
2. Prioritize our pursuit as the first in time and first in importance. Every other desire is secondary to His Kingdom.
3. The Kingdom can only be understood in light of the KING. You won't seek the Kingdom if He's not your King.
4. The righteousness of God is impossible to divorce from Jesus, the King.

• The more we come to know and rest in God's provision, the more we know we have nothing to worry about!
• We want to control, but Jesus calls us to surrender.

Philippians 4:4-9

• The Lord is near [at hand, present]; do not be anxious about anything. This is like saying: the reason why we don't have to worry is because God is near. He is close to His people! (v. 5)
• You can't even comprehend the peace He brings! (v. 7)
• Focus on things that are related to the Kingdom - true, noble, right, pure, lovely, admirable, excellent, or praiseworthy. (v. 8)

Just Be

I've been thinking about the idea of dwelling vs. doing. All of you type A personalities with perfectionist tendencies can relate to this tension, I'm sure. It's a constant battle! (Lately, a tug-of-war multiple times a day, no joke.)

On a typical tug-of-war kind of day, I stay busy doing awesomely productive things in the morning that make me feel efficient and successful and grown up. Then those things are over, and what used to be filled with a never ending list of homework assignments to accomplish, is now filled with whatever the heck I feel like. This can be incredibly freeing. Sometimes I go for a hike, go to the gym, clean the house, organize something in my room (yes, for fun), read one of the SIX books I'm currently in the middle of, or even watch TV - shocker. It can also be highly emotional as I wrestle with the tension of just enjoying life and the desire to be productive and make my life appear a certain way. It's in the time that was slated for homework that it now seems the pendulum of productivity swings quickly to the opposite side and I'm stuck in a mess of, "What am I even DOING with my life???!!!??!?!" (yes, that dramatically)

Taking advantage of the sun on Table Rock.

How did I go from feeling top-of-the-world, loving life, so accomplished in the morning, to feeling like I must be forgetting a million important things I'm supposed to be doing? (aka, minor freak outs)

Well, I have a theory or two about this dilemma.

1. If I start my day focused on "doing", I may find my worth in that, and then have a real hard time when it comes to the dwelling part of my day, because I feel like I've lost what gives me worth. Make sense? It's a completely ridiculous lie, but pretty important to understand. The truth: I am not any less valuable when I choose to do fun things for myself or just rest from all the "doing".

2. "Doing" is tangible, physical, and visible to others. It's easier to show off how much we do, than how disciplined we are in just being with Jesus and resting. Yeah, that's prideful. I shouldn't be doing things for the sake of creating a certain appearance for the approval of others.

3. Not to place blame, but our culture values "doing" over "being". There is a lot of societal pressure to get stuff done; that's what we have to show for ourselves. 

4. We think that "just being" is awfully boring. So what does it even mean to "just be" or "dwell"? I just sit here and do nothing? I don't get to talk to anyone else? My most deeply fulfilling and reviving moments are ones spent with a pen and journal and Bible, in a beautiful/comfortable place, having conversations with God. Mind you, not DOING something for God, but just BEING with Him and talking.

I told a friend recently about some potential future plans and she asked if I'd had a blunt conversation with God about what He wanted me to do yet. That afternoon I wrote in my journal: "This is my blunt conversation with God..." and I asked Him all kinds of questions. Talk about a shift in perspective. Sometimes I find myself grumbling things like: "I have nobody to process my day or talk about decisions with." (aka, self-pity) BEING with God, is so much more filling than talking things out with someone else... or even trying to find the time to connect with other people. People are important and God created us for relationship, no doubt about it. But I think we can so easily lose sight of the pure joy and indescribable peace found in just BEING with God and having a conversation with HIM.

5. On the other hand, major life transition definitely brings about reflection, questions, and a lot of change in general. So, partially, this is just normal. :) It's good to acknowledge that, too!

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So yesterday afternoon in my usual frenzy of "I should be DOING something right now!!!" I grabbed my chacos, camelbak backpack, sunglasses, Bible and journal, and headed up to Table Rock. I just needed a place to go BE out of the house. I was starting to get antsy. I sat down on that little hill in the photo above, and my Bible flipped open to Hosea 2: "Therefore, I am now going to allure her; I will lead her into the desert and speak tenderly to her" (vs. 14). I'm just saying... I was on a hill in the desert, and I desperately wanted to hear God speak to my heart. 

And I believe He did. 

It wasn't necessarily this profound word for everyone, but it was a series of words for ME, for just that time. It was a whole string of truth that humbled, challenged, and encouraged me. I'm so thankful that our Heavenly Father knows our hearts intimately and chooses to interact with us personally. 

I just started writing... and I realized that for me, they were a bunch of words from Jesus. 

"You don't have to create some kind of acceptable identity or work to be approved of, Kailene. You are accepted and loved just as you are. You don't have to prove yourself. And for heaven's sake [yes, I did write that], stop comparing your life to everyone else's. It will create one of two things: pride - in thinking of yourself more highly than you ought, or self-pity - in considering yourself to be of lesser value than those around you. Neither is beneficial or healthy. Comparison, in that sense, will lead to destruction. 

Right now, you are exactly where God wants you to be - so enjoy it! ..."

My response: "Jesus, I love that I can just be here with You and not have to worry or figure things out."

I do want to enjoy this season of life. It's so unique & fun! Satan will work diligently to steal that joy, but my God is bigger AND victorious. So I have nothing to worry about.