Life as I know it...

It's been a whole TEN days since I last blogged. I have this theory that I tend to blog LEAST when my heart is confused or troubled. It just makes it more difficult to articulate what's actually happening in my life. I'm a pretty genuine, transparent person... so it's hard for me to hide those things, even in my lovely little blog. :) I've also noticed that when I am in such a long stretch of avoiding writing, I usually hit this point where my desire to write becomes increasingly strong. I love writing. This is something that God has put in me. How I communicate, learn, teach, share, process... it's from the Lord. It's probably not wise to run away from the things that God puts in you. Just a thought. :)

I write this as I sit in a cozy chair in one of my favorite coffee shops and enjoy a delicious hazelnut latte. (my drink of choice lately... I tend to stick with what I know) It's a beautiful day. Peaceful. Productive.

I left life group last night not feeling well and today I just feel a little lethargic... but I think it has more to do with stress and homesickness rather than actually being sick. Every few months or so I go through this homesickness funk... I haven't lived at home for three and a half years now (which is so weird.), but I just MISS mi familia. I want to go to the Olive Garden with my mom and chat with my grandparents and go down the river on the boat with my Dad and hang out with my way cool brother. I want to visit the Whiteheads and Yocums and Lindsay, Taylor, and Benita. I just miss HOME. :-( I'm assuming that this feeling is more intense this week because of stress... and the fact that my brother, Kyle is home right now, too! I could drive to Portland tomorrow night and drive back Saturday night. But 7ish hrs of driving at night by myself (and paying for gas) does not sound appealing. I think it might be wiser to just wait until school's out and go for a longer period of time. The problem is that I'm homesick NOW... so I'd rather just teleport myself there. :) I don't know... we'll see. It may be a last minute decision.

Some encouragement for YOU + for my own heart... "Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends ALL understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus." Philippians 4:6-7 --> The peace of God will guard my heart. Teach me to live out this verse, Lord! Show me what it means to pray continually... to constantly surrender everything I am to You.

Incredibly BLESSED --

I am one blessed girl! I realize that my last post was filled with questions, confusion, and maybe a little frustration. Isn't it great when you can recognize all of those things, look past them, and see God's GOODNESS?! I love that. I'm thankful that He has given me eyes to see the entangled messiness of my own heart and how His faithfulness shines through it all. God uses aspects of community - a solid group of Believer's - to encourage, challenge, listen, pray & share joy with His people. There is distinct purpose of living life together! I have been so refreshed today by COMMUNITY! Thank you, Lord!

[a late night attempt: processing]

This is one of those nights where I know I have a thousand thoughts/ideas/questions running through my mind... and it's hard for me to make sense of it all.

I'm enjoying this season of life I'm in... but at the same time, it's incredibly confusing.

I wish I had answers. Trust is so difficult. But if I believe that God is all-knowing and all-powerful, then WHY is it so hard?! I know that God is who He says He is and will do what He says He will do. Even so, my mind continues to question: what is supposed to be my 'focus' right now? how should I spend my time? what relationships should I choose to invest in? essentially, what does the future have in store? I guess that's what I really want to know... so that I can make the "right" choices NOW.

What am I even afraid of, really?

Lingering fear is like a rollar coaster - it's a constant battle of conquering and succombing.

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Now it's 3:00 Sunday afternoon. And that is the point ^ that I fell asleep last night. :) I put my head down to THINK... and then the next time I opened my eyes it was two o'clock in the morning. The good side to that is that I slept like a ROCK. The not-so-good side is that I woke up for church still in that pensive/contemplative/"want to sit by myself in a coffee shop all day" kind of mood. I'm feeling better now, after a service of Extreme Life (kids' ministry at church) and a free lunch at Fudrucker's with some friends. I'm about to head back to church soon for one more service of Extreme Life and then to actually attend church... but I'm still in that in between state, mentally/emotionally, where I don't want to LOSE everything that I was thinking about because I'm sure it will happen to come up again. I want to process and understand. I want to walk in peace and truth.

In need of GRACE.

Have you ever had one of those moments - or days/weeks - where you find yourself frequently questioning, "What was I thinking?!" I realized today how often that question has gone through my mind - either subtly or with extreme force. and usually emotion. It's that "I can't believe I just did that" moment. Or the "what did I even DO today?" moment. My life recently has been filled with experiences like: leaving my headlights on while I'm in class and running the battery out in my car, leaving the car ON while I hop out to clear the back window of snow and shutting the locked door behind me (that one was a first! cell phone, wallet, KEYS... all in the running car), oversleeping - this morning I woke up to a phone call from Kerinda at 6:40 and I was supposed to BE THERE at 6:30 (that's one of my LEAST favorite feelings), and remembering an assignment due 10 minutes before I had to leave for class tonight. It's been just one thing after another of "what are you thinking?" moments.

First, I want to acknowledge the GRACE that Kerinda showed me when she saw I was slightly frazzled as I arrived to their house and texted me a few minutes after she left: "Don't worry at all about this morning. It happens to everyone. :)" She has no idea how much that gesture meant! I was already trying hard not to beat myself up over it, and to receive that was a serious reminder of grace.

Second, Well... I'm not even going to get into this whole matter of my ridiculous car issues. I spent the last 5 minutes of class tonight praying that I remembered to turn my lights off. I couldn't remember if I had or not and did not want to THINK about dealing with that again.

Third, studying. Ohhhh my, am I behind. This could be a result of many different things. Regardless of what caused it, something needs to change ASAP. It's like I've forgotten I'm a student... and the priority level suddenly decreased... I don't know who made that executive decision in my head! School IS a priority. Maybe spring break will help? Maybe I was just so burnt out after the craziness of midterm week? I don't know. But I'm going to set some goals/deadlines tonight and plan some coffeeshop time to meet them. It'll be great. Go team.

Whew. I feel better already. It helped just to write that all out. :)

*I know that I have also greatly neglected blogging lately, too... that's not because nothing has happened in my life to share. There is a LOT happening in my life actually. I have even logged on to blogger multiple times and just not been able to come up with a concise topic to write about. Maybe I've fallen out of my writer's block by now.

"Just Livin' the Dream..." -- Chris Lay

^ That's kinda how I feel today. Just livin' the dream. My former manager in ATF used to say that all the time. He probably still does, I'm just not there to hear it. It's rainy and gray outside, which definitely doesn't help change this lethargic - blah - feeling. (especially since I curled my hair this morning... then walked outside and it started to rain! Oh well.) Even though I'm a native Oregonian and extremely accustomed to days and days of rain, this weather just makes me want to curl up on the couch, eat soup, and read a good book.

So I'm just sitting in the Student Union Building on campus, determined to actually get some reading done for class today as yesterday was entirely unproductive in that realm. It's okay, though - I'm pretty sure my body was still partially recuperating from hardly sleeping last weekend. I was still pretty tired.

You know you live in Boise when as soon as the temperature hits 50 degrees people start wearing shorts. Are they crazy?! I realized today that I don't really care for spring. Yes flowers, life, Easter... it's all wonderful. But I don't like the "in between" phase. I either want it a foot of snow or sunshine and 85 degrees. In either case, I'd be outside - a snowman or the pool! :-)

Bad News: My brother, Kyle, isn't moving to Boise for the summer anymore. :( He's going up to Portland to take classes at PCC and possibly work for Nike. (If you know Kyle at ALL, you know that he would not pass up this opportunity... even for a chance to live with his favorite person - me. Lame!)

Good News: I am going to visit Heather & Emily (see photo on the ride side bar) in Virginia in just a month and a half! Heather is graduating from college (but not attending her ceremony) so we're going to celebrate! It's also the same weekend as the Baltimore ATF, so we may go to a little bit of the event. It'll be just like old times! We can go running together, cook extravagant meals/desserts, and - of course! - watch 24! I am SO excited that we actually have something set to see each other... otherwise I figured I'd have to wait until one of us got married. ;-)

--> PS: I think it's AWESOME that the three of us have kept up on our Monday night skype accountability. What a commitment. Thank you, Lord, for good friends!

Living in the unexpected.

As a self-acclaimed rule-follower, I like the EXPECTED.
Today I am grateful for the UNexpected!
I thought that today would be not-so-great. I got 4 1/2 hours of sleep (which is almost unbearable, for me) and I'm trying to stay up to date with tests, speeches, group projects, and essays. It has been insane. (For those of you who know David Growden, I wanted to say "insane in the membrane" just then. Good times. haha) I've not been looking forward to this week... I just expected the WORST.
I know that there were people praying for peace + joy for me yesterday and today... and I am FEELING it. On Sunday I started to feel overwhelmed just thinking about facing this week and realizing how far behind I really was. It was the level of overwhelmed-ness where I can feel a difference in my breathing and anything and everything feels like the end of the world... which I display by crying. All the time. (Actually, I haven't been crying... it's just that extreme emotional feeling. Hard to explain.)
Sometimes joy is a discipline and peace something I have to be diligent to practice. Today, they are a gift. And I'm receiving them! I'm so grateful that my perspective took a 180 and I just DON'T feel stressed/worried/anxious. What a blessing.
Suddenly, I feel overwhelmed with gratitude rather than "things." I kept wanting to laugh at "the little things" going RIGHT: I finished writing my speech (a miracle in itself), I didn't have to give said speech today (Praise the Lord!), it snowed (didn't stick, but I like watching it fall nontheless), I finished my assignments that were due last night EARLY (before 11:45pm. hehe), oh yeah - and I found out that my brother, Kyle, is coming to BOISE to live with us (the York's and me) for the summer!!! I am BEYOND excited! Even without those things providing tidbits of joy sprinkled throughout the past 24 hours... it's been one of those days where I can SENSE the Holy Spirit providing joy for me when I was weak.

I'm so looking forward to life group tonight... I have another hour or so until I need to be there... but I really think I need to take a break from studying/homework/typing... so I'll find something else to do for an hour. And go to bed before 1:00 in the morning. Wow, I'm excited just thinking about it!

Thankful Thursday

Thinking on what I'm thankful for this lovely night...

- the love of my Heavenly Father. utterly overwhelming.

- community. looking forward to coffee at The District and a bon fire tomorrow night!

- family! [Happy Birthday, Grandpa! I wish I was there to celebrate...]

- reading a book just for fun. [Currently: "Her Mother's Hope" by Francine Rivers]

- an awesome week with Channing + Gannon [Seriously. Those kids have had stellar attitudes and loved on ME. They sure keep me on my toes... and constantly laughing. Today Channing made a comment that sometimes people call her "Chan" for short. Then Gannon spoke up and said, "Well, sometimes people call me CHEESE." I really don't know where he comes up with that stuff!]

- dear friends ALL across the country. [There are definitely Pros AND Cons to this one... I miss them all terribly.]

- i'm thankful for little Josiah... especially when he yells, "HAVE A GOOD DAY!" when I leave for school... it's pretty much the cutest thing in the world.

- that my Dad offered to pay my dentist bill... thanks, Dad!

- that I'm constantly learning... all the time... everyday. It's hard. (and sometimes draining) But I know that God is working in and - hopefully - through me. I love knowing that my life is not stagnant, but I'm always growing. Keeping my eyes fixed on Jesus.

Speaking of Jesus, I really want to go enjoy some time with Him before I go to sleep tonight. My heart feels full. Good night!

Rest in Me.

I was blessed with the day OFF today + I don't have class until 6:00 tonight. Praise the Lord!

I slept in, which was remarkable.

Then I did homework all morning.

My plan was to hike up to Table Rock and spend time with the Lord at the top. It was sprinkling when I left, but I already had my heart set on the hike, and let's be real: I'm an Oregonian. A little rain won't hurt me. ;-) Unfortunately... a little rain makes the foothills muddy, which resulted in the trail being closed. BUMMER. I was so psyched and ready to go.
:-( Luckily I read the sign to the right of the trail, or I would have been slippin' and sliddin' the whole way!

I wasn't going to let that get me down! I drove a few blocks to a park in the area and decided to walk the green belt. (The green belt is a path along the Boise river) I walked for an hour and then settled down by the river and opened my journal. I absolutely LOVE moments like that. So peaceful.

I had a couple specific things on my heart to pray for/think over. I received peace about both of them and the Lord gently reminded me of my need to simply rest in Him. To be with Him. To bask in His presence. I tend to get myself wound up over whatever may be happening in my life right now... so today's reminder to REST IN HIM, was just what I needed. The Lord is faithful!

List.

My thoughts are kind of random today. It's days like this when I decide to just blog a list because I can't keep my mind on one track to write something that everyone will understand. :)

1. Yoplait whips (yogurt) taste much better COLD. This is the last time I take one to school for lunch!

2. I am SO grateful for how productive and restful the last few days have been! LOOOOVE this!

3. My current favorite song is called "From the Ground," by Lisa Gungor. (I've been listening to it on repeat in my car... for a long time. haha) It's all about love... taking risks in love and fighting for it. Going beyond FEARS to experience what love really is.
You can listen to the song here and check out the lyrics --> http://www.reverbnation.com/artist/song_details/1676438

4. It's Tuesday and that means LIFE GROUP! I love this community - making/eating dinner together, praying for each other, digging into the Word & great conversations.

5. I have my first midterm of the semester in 2.5 hrs. I'm really not worried about it, though. It's for Comm 101. No biggie.

6. It's supposed to be 51 degrees today! Blue skies and sunshine - beautiful!!! Today would be a good day to go for a hike.

7. I'm trying to decide whether or not to take summer classes... the pros/cons are kind of balanced right now. Hmm. :-/

8. Robbie and Jamie (and the rest of the Pursuit staff) are going to California tomorrow for the Catalyst event... AND my brother, Kyle, is meeting them there. If anybody wants to surprise me with a plane ticket to LA so I can see him, that'd be great.

9. Channing & Gannon have been AWESOME this week... they've had great attitudes, obeyed on the first time, and just in general been is really good moods. They CRACK me up! I love it. This morning Gannon said, "Oh my heck, what you done?!" Channing and I just look at each other and laugh. He also replaces "her" with "she" often. For example, "Tell she I love she." Those kids just warm my heart.

10. It's March 1, which means that the interns who worked with me at Teen Mania last year and stayed as GI's are now allowed to date. Oh Lord, help us all. Mostly - keep Mr. Lay sane. :)