Decision Maker

Yep. That's what I'm learning to be: A Decision Maker.

So I dropped my BCIS (computer/EXCEL) class on Thursday. I had been thinking about doing it since week 1 of the course. I was just getting farther and farther behind and lacking the resources to catch up (time/materials). The lady from financial aid on Tuesday told me that no matter what happens I do NOT want to have an F on my transcript. Well, I was honestly pretty concerned that that's what would happen. Otherwise, I would kill myself the rest of the semester just to HOPEFULLY pull off a measly D or C. It wasn't worth it. I'm already short on time, energy, and sleep. The class just really was not even worth it to me.

The worst part about making decisions is telling people what you decide. I know that I'm an adult and I'm confident and I can make major decisions on my own. So when I weigh the consequences, gather important information, ask the Lord and go down the path of peace. (Proverbs says that the path of wisdom will always be peace, and I just want to walk in wisdom in each decision that I make)... I finally make a decision (i.e. "I'm going to move to Boise and go to school at NNU in August" or "I'm going to drop this class" or "I'm going to marry this man" - just kidding, that last one hasn't happened yet!) I feel confidence and peace about my decision, until I tell someone else. You hear things like, "Are you sure that's what you want to do?" or "Wow, I wouldn't have made that decision" and other such encouraging sentiments...

I'm even worse when it comes to reading into things. People may not say those things outright, but I try to interpret their response to some decision that I made to get approval and increase my confidence. I hate realizing that those things are my motivation! I'm glad I recognize it, though, because I do not want to be addicted to the approval of other people or gain my confidence from what others think about my decisions.

My challenge to you, dear reader: be confident in what the Lord has called you to do! (I'm not saying that He "called" me to drop my class...) You can hear God's voice and make an informed decision and move forward in that direction - don't be swayed. Be bold! It's too easy to get caught up in what other people think of you to gain acceptance/approval OR to live in the land of regret and wish that you had made a more "acceptable" decision afterwards. Don't give into that. We will not always make the right decisions. But there is GRACE. And we will always learn from making the wrong decision, if we look at it from the right perspective. Seek the Lord and approach His throne of grace with confidence... He will be your guide!

More than you could ask or IMAGINE...

I feel like I could just write all day long and fill this space with the many things that happen to be lingering in my heart today.

I went to an AWESOME women's retreat yesterday, so I was supposed to work on homework all afternoon today... yeah, that didn't happen. :) I just spent the past few hours sitting outside (I think I got a sunburn) journaling and talking to the Lord. I mostly just asked a lot of questions to God and to myself, of which I was able to answer about one of them. Don't you love that? I know all of the questions to ask, the things to seek out, how to pray nice sounding prayers... but I don't come to conclusions. I ask myself, "What is the Lord teaching you right now?"

*cricket, cricket, cricket* --- No answer. Or maybe it's a thousand answers and I just don't know how to consolidate or even understand them all.

Oh dear. The weirdest thing happened yesterday... I took a nap after the retreat, then went outside on my back porch to have some quiet time. I was sitting there just minding my own business and reading, and all of a sudden I started crying! I don't even know why!!! I tried to think very practically about the situation... but I still got nowhere. Lord, what are you trying to teach me? What is the burden on my heart and WHY can't I figure it out??! I realize that I'm a girl and sometimes girls just cry... but it is just very odd...

Well, I didn't give up. So what am I learning? Continual joy. The expression of joy is completely irrelevant to how I feel or what is physically happening in my life. Yes, I struggle with things. There is junk in my life: I'm not doing well in school - which is very difficult for a recovering perfectionist - and I want to drop a class, I've moving to Idaho in only 5 months - which means there will be a MASSIVE amount of CHANGE, relational conflicts, family concerns, financial worries, etc, etc. I am continuing to learn that my life can be a picture of JOY regardless of my worries, concerns or conflicts. Yeah, there's junk - Jesus says that there will be ("In this world you will have trouble"). But if I look at my life in the right perspective, then I can rejoice because I know that the testing of my faith develops perseverance. I am content right now because I know that I'm living out what God has called me to do for TODAY. There is so much joy in serving the Lord and walking in obedience to His commands everyday. His joy makes me complete. I choose not to dwell on the junk, and focus on His glory.

Saturday: My favorite day of the week

Ahh... the 6th day of the week. No work, no school... I am completely in charge of my own schedule!

This day has been absolutely wonderful. The past few Saturdays have all been equally restful and glorious. I really, really, REALLY just love this day!

The weather has been BEAUTIFUL! I sit outside and read. I go running. I get homework and chores and errands done. And then I cook a big, delicious dinner and watch a few episodes of 24 with my housemates. It's the perfect combination of activities to make up the best day! Productivity, rest, peace, friendships, a traditional dinner & Jack Bauer. I usually have a saturday task list (including both the chores and fun stuff - sometimes I have to schedule in the "fun", too, to make sure that it happens!) -- and I love marking things off of a list. :)

This past week has been... difficult, to say the least. Monday morning, I already started wishing for the weekend. Midterms week at school, ATF is just crazy and busy in general, car problems, not feeling well... it's just been one of those weeks where "everything" seems to pile up at the same time. I did, of course, make it through the week. :) It was just a rough one.

Then today I woke up... and it was a BEAUTIFUL Saturday morning.

Thank you, Lord, for this peaceful day. You DO provide rest for those whom you love. There is light at the end of a hard week. You make me new. I don't have to dwell on what happened yesterday or get caught up in financial struggles or relational conflicts or daily failures... because your peace passes ALL understanding. I cannot fix my own life or just conjure up a "good" week - but I can choose to believe the truth and walk in obedience with the Lord and what He has called me to do. There I will find joy, despite my circumstances. I am just so grateful for this day, Lord Jesus. Thank you for knowing and understanding my heart and providing for my every need, even in the most simple things. You are so GOOD!

Stop. Rest. Reflect.

I don't generally lie... I'm actually a horrible liar! (I suppose this is a good thing.) Even pulling off surprises takes a lot of preparation and self control. Even if I say the right thing, my face generally gives it away. So maybe more out of lack of skill, rather than morality, I tend to be a very honest person.

Although, have you ever noticed how EASY it is to lie to yourself? It's nothing like lying to another person. Even though I can't lie worth anything, I can and do lie to myself all the time. Hey, I even lie to God. In my prayers I try to sound holy and put together and just pray nice things for other people. Pastor Bryan challenged us this morning: "Be brutally honest with where your heart is at." Sometimes we just stay physically and emotionally busy so that we don't have to deal with all that junk in our hearts. We pretty ourselves up and achieve great things so that nobody else can see what lies on the inside. This can be anything from hidden sin to covering how I feel about something minor or not really reflecting on how a particular situation affects me.

All I'm doing today is passing this charge on to you: Be brutally honest with the condition of your heart. I'm going to spend some time today (and the rest of this week - as I think it will probably take a few tries to really get to the root of some issues) and just THINK about my life. Be honest with myself and with the Lord. How do I feel about my plans for next year? What am I afraid of? How am I not trusting the Lord? How do I feel about things that are happening in my family? What am I running away from? What relationships am I frustrated with - how am I really dealing with this?

*Note: This exercise requires complete honesty - not only with yourself, but with the Lord. Politeness and politics are not important. It's just between you and God. Then, if necessary, you can bring in some encouragement and accountability from a close friend. Psalm 62:8 "Trust in him at all times, O people; pour out your hearts to him, for God is our refuge." Pour out your heart!

The Love of my Heavenly Father

I get overwhelmed so easily. I allow myself to get wrapped up in thoughts of "what if" and "how will I ever" and... I so quickly forget the power of GOD'S LOVE. First of all, His physical act of love - sending His one and only Son, Jesus, to die on the cross in my place - covers over all my sin. That means that when I fail or make mistakes, He's always got my back. I can always run to Him. He will never have enough of me or grow weary of my forgetfulness and disobedience. His love is never, ever ending - so nothing that I do will make it go away. I'm slowly learning how to see God as my heavenly Father. He's not like an earthly father. God's love goes beyond what I do for him or how well I perform. His love is so personal and intimate - He cares about and is involved in every detail of my life. (as long as I ALLOW Him to be involved) His plans for me are for GOOD - He wants to see me prosper.

When I start to feel overwhelmed like this, I have to take a step or two back and just bask in the knowledge of God's love. I do know that He loves me more than I could ever know. I do know that His love will carry me through change, transition, decision-making, and anything else that I come up against. I know that in His presence I will find peace. He has come so that I may have LIFE and have it more abundantly. Living for God is not just surviving... it is THRIVING. Whether it is going to school, or working at whatever job I can find to pay for school, or serving in my church, or building relationship - whatever I do - I will do it all in the name of the Lord. Today is Valentine's day - I will focus on the LOVE of my Heavenly Father!

I feel like lately I have just been CONSTANTLY thinking about next year. (I feel like 'dun dun dun' should always follow the two words "next year"...just sayin') Last night I told some friends about my decision to go to school in Boise, ID. Then afterwards I wished I hadn't mentioned anything. Not because they weren't supportive, they were. But it made the decision feel more final to me... I feel very secure in Garden Valley, TX. I know my way around the area, I have free housing/food, my car insurance is paid off, my school is paid for by grants, I am fairly confident in my job, I get to work with kids at church two nights a week... basically, I'm living the dream. My plans for next year are EXCITING. (VERY exciting!!!) But they are scary. It's different. It's a whole stinkin' lot of change. It's leaving behind a handful of friends who are very near to my heart. It's leaving behind financial security and my 3 year "tenure" in ATF Ops. I am so blessed to have friends to live with in Boise, but in 7 months my life is going to look very different.

I am anticipating a big change... but I really don't want it to consume my life. There is a difference between preparation and obsession. Preparation brings peace, obsession is craziness. I'd rather live a life of peace, thank you very much. :) Lord, help me to guard my heart against unnecessary worry and fear, and help me to rely on you in confirming this decision and not be swayed by my unstable emotions.

Learning? Life? What?

Sometimes life is so confusing. I'm just being honest. I do love life and I know that the Lord is growing me and teaching me and I love serving at an awesome ministry like Teen Mania... but there are so many things that I just don't understand.

I started this blog, because I thought it would help me to identify the lessons that the Lord is teaching me and help me to recognize and share specific areas of growth. I know that I haven't blogged all that much... but trust me, I think about it often. I want to share what I'm learning. I want to teach you the things that the Lord has put on my heart. But I seem to be having this issue with communication lately. It's been holding me back. [Preface: I am fully aware that Satan is just trying to hinder my effectiveness in the Kingdom and stop me from sharing life with others. But regardless...] This is how I described it recently in my journal: "It's like when you feel like you have to throw up, but nothing comes up. My mouth moves, but nothing of any significance comes out. My heart is overflowing, but my thoughts are just confusing." The past couple weeks in accountability (I meet on Tuesday nights with a group of 4 other women), as I share an idea or concept, this thought inevitably crosses my mind at some point: "What in the world are you even saying right now?!" It's kind of ironic, because for accountability we're reading a book about self-talk... hmm... maybe I should look more into that.

Maybe I'm just in process. I'm in the process of making decisions and figuring out details for my life in August. I'm in the process of the spring in ATF Ops (spring = overtime). I'm in the process of online classes, textbooks, and tests. I think being 21 years old in itself is just a process - some basic processes (such as learning about cooking and cleaning and time/money management) and some complicated processes (asking questions like "Lord, when will you send my husband?" and "How do I deal with my broken family?" and "What am I supposed to do in August?!", etc, etc.).

In conclusion, I know that I'm learning things; I just can't really pin point what they are... and I know that sounds odd... I don't understand it either. :) I don't understand a lot of things. I just know that I need to trust.

Everyday, Lord, teach me to trust.

School started today. Tonight – as I sit at Rockwell's, skim through random college websites, drink my blended chocolate mint, etc, etc – is the calm before the storm. Trust me, I say that with great excitement, anticipation and only slight sarcasm. I am definitely a creature of habit. I love routine. “Consistency is spiritual currency.” I like to make and follow a schedule. This spring semester will definitely be a rigorous time crunch. 14 credits (4 classes) at TJC – 2 online and 2 on campus, 34 scheduled hours as the Office Manager of Acquire the Fire Operations, working at Grace Community Church doing childcare two nights a week, a lot of books to read, 25 ATF events remaining in “The Encounter” tour, coffee shops to visit, friendships to build and blog posts to write. :) Oh, yes. I love my life. My prayer is that even amidst this ever so slightly chaotic spring semester, I would not lose sight of the main thing: God is good and I live to serve Him. I pray that I would not get so caught up in work and school, that I forget about people. I hope that I would not be so immersed in what I have to do that I forget what I live to do. I don’t want to plan so much that I miss out on the fun. Lord, help me not to trade being, the maenjoying and serving for doing, working and striving. Help me to keep in thing the MAIN thing. HE is my reason for living. I pray that in everything I do this spring, Lord, I would bring glory to your name and reflect your love to everyone to I come into contact with.