It's funny writing "Day 3" because it really feels like I've been here for weeks! And it sure has been an interesting ride thus far. I am SO looking forward to what the Lord has for me (and my team!) the rest of the trip, because these first two full days have been so transformational. I don't even know that transformational is a real word. But it definitely describes my awe at what the Lord has already done in my heart.
How often I revert back to striving and pushing and appeasing... all in my own strength. What foolishness! That will get me nowhere! I'm reminded again: I can do nothing - NOTHING - without the grace of God. Thankfully, His grace comes in abundance. And always at the right times.
I was doing GREAT all day the first day. I have been at Teen Mania for three years; a day full of sessions is a piece of cake! It only took until about 30 minutes after the Missionary Advisors arrived for insecurity to fall on me like a brick. It totally caught me off guard. I thought I was doing great! Then, suddenly, I started entertaining lies and choking in fear. Literally. At worship in our first session with the MA's I just felt utterly overwhelmed. I cried. I poured my heart out to God... but it was mostly self-pity. I told Him, "Please, God, I don't want to lead! I'm not ready!" My heart was so heavy. It's amazing how a single thought can turn into such... dread. There was a night and day difference from my mindset the entire day to when they arrived.
Fear is ridiculous! It's so consuming. I do NOT want to live like that.
I'm generally very analytical and self aware... so when I realized that I had let all those stinkin' lies slip into my mind and allowed them to change the pattern of my thoughts... I started to come up with a solution. My conclusion was that I don't have a solid foundation of confidence, so it was crushed easily. Yes, that must be it. I just need to work harder and build up my own confidence so I'm able to stand on my own. HOW WRONG THAT IS! It may sound good, but it is definitely not truth.
The next morning I told a good friend about this revelation and she stopped me and said:
"No, Kailene - even when you have a shaky foundation, YOU STAND ON CHRIST THE SOLID ROCK."
Whew. Amen, Emily!
"On Christ the solid rock I stand, ALL other ground is sinking sand..."
Oh, how my perspective has changed! Christ - it's all about HIM. It's not about me or what I can do. I may not be qualified to lead this team, but God's grace fills in where I lack. And I know that I have an abundance of "lacking" in my life - but good thing God has an abundance of grace. :)
God is good. I am on this trip for a reason and I KNOW that I can trust and rely on my love He has for me. And really, what else matters? I'm excited to share this knowledge of His love with my missionaries and the "nationals" in Dallas.
(I find it funny that one post will be about delicious tarts and custard and the very next post is full of just... my HEART. The many different aspects of Kailene.)
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