The Frontlines --

This is something I wrote in the middle of my mission trip ("Day 9" to be exact)... it was after midnight and I was just trying to process the thousands of thoughts constantly running through my head... Just a snippet of my experience as a TL. :)

Wow. Oh Lord. This trip has been.... amazing and insane at the same time. Everytime I turn around there is a bloody nose, dehydrated missionary, red flag-confession... SOMETHING. There is always something. Leadership - especially on these kinds of trips - is a 24/7 job. Maybe like being a mom. :) I've had to learn to handle the "please, I need to talk to you right now," and "what's for dinner?" and "why are we going to bed so early?" and "she said that she's going to punch her the next time she sees her" questions/comments. Okay, so those really do sound like things that moms hear! And yes, all of them are legitimate phrases that I have heard in the past 24 hours.

I feel so empowered to LEAD on this trip! I figured that it would be so easy for me to fall back and meet the basic requirements of a Team Leader to just get through this. But it's the complete opposite. I surprise myself everyday! Carrie (my project director) told me this morning that I have a lot of wisdom and I just need to step out and act on my judgment because it's usually right. So - I've been making decisions like crazy. Praise the Lord! That's a big step! I am not who I thought I was.

I'm so proud of my team. SO proud. I'm building relationships -- I really care about them! We are meshing together as a group. Their faith is so real... and it's not just something they talk about. Whenever anything happens, prayer is their first answer; whether it's a broken sound box, a sick teammate, a ministry site gone awry... That's something I'm still working on -- Seeking FIRST His Kingdom. And serving. Whew - the group of 4 or 5 missionaries that I assigned to make lunches on the first day of ministry have asked everyday before lunch if they get to make the lunches again. I told them today that they don't have to and we can find some other people to help - they said, "No, we really want to! Please!" Well, by all means! Serve! Their hearts are genuine. I just love seeing more and more of who they are and how the Lord is continuing to mold and shape them. They love the ministry that we're doing, but they want to do MORE.

I taught the accountability session two nights ago and it was SO MUCH FUN! I definitely needed some kind of visual aid or creative way to involve the missionaries... but as far as getting up there and speaking... I don't think I sounded nervous at all and I hardly stumbled over my words. I really enjoyed it. Growth! I love it.

Last night Brittany Svitak had a layover in Dallas so Charity and Nicole borrowed my car and drove here from campus and Andrew, Reynaldo and I went with them to pick up Brittany and take her to dinner at Panera. It was so much fun to go out with adults and not be responsible for counting heads (which I am getting pretty good at) or monitoring anyone. It was great to see Brittany again, too. :)

I feel like I've been on this trip for a month... seriously. It's the weirdest feeling. I miss Heather and Emily and my interns a lot. I miss my bed. I miss internet access. But really, I'm loving this. It's hard. It's tiring. But even when I'm tired (I woke up really late this morning and it totally threw me off for a couple hours), I still feel like I'm controlling my emotions... and my energy is coming from the Lord completely!

I just realized this... this trip is only the beginning of a long series of events that are inevitably going to be stretching. I'm moving to Boise in 3 weeks (Now only 10 days). I'm getting a new job. I'm starting school at a large university - by myself. Eventually, I'm going to move into my own apartment. I really believe that this trip is preparing me to make smart decisions, to step out in confidence, to control my thoughts, to work well with other people, to be energized even when I "should" be tired, and probably five hundred other things that I don't know about yet. My faith is stronger. My thoughts are clearer... more focused on truth. Thank you, Jesus.

[Thankful Thursday]

1) Thunderstorms / Texas Sky - We have had some BIG thunder this week and the clouds have looked absolutely amazing!
2) A safe & fruitful mission trip to DALLAS!
3) So much quality time with my awesome roommate, Heather :)
4) My other brother called me this week! (that's a rare occurance!) He might come to Oregon in August and we MIGHT all get to be together (my two brothers and one sister) for the first time in 3 years!
5) Financial Provision - how He already HAS provided and how He WILL provide!
6) I'm going to have STEAK for dinner tonight!!! Compliments of Sarah Beth Lay ;-)
7) Working at a ministry - yesterday for staff chapel we joined the Extreme Camps afternoon session and at the end we had a chance to go forward and pray with teenagers seeking restoration. I talked with 4-5 girls who asked for prayer for some of the same things that I dealt with when I was in High School. My heart just broke for them. I wish I could have talked to them more and heard their stories. But I trust that the Lord heard my prayers and will continue to work in their lives. I just love that - the process of healing and restoration!
8) Only ELEVEN days until I move to Idaho!!!
9) His mercies are new every morning! I'm not stuck in the bondage of yesterday - walking in the freedom of Christ!
10) Stephanie, Laura & Shandi are coming to Texas tomorrow!!! And Emily will be back on Monday!!!

I'm Baaaaack!

Well, I've been home for 3 days now from my mission trip that felt like 3 months. I just thought I would make a quick post to inform you all that I survived and made it home safely. (from the long journey to Dallas...)

Even though I slept for 12 hours on Saturday, I still feel groggy and slightly lethargic... I was sick on my trip, and the runny nose and sneezing is back this morning - I hope it's not trying to hit again! This is not the time to be sick! I have 13 days left until my mom and I make the 26 hour drive from east Texas to Idaho... I'm looking forward to arriving in Idaho, starting school, seeing all my family, enjoying the cooler air and waking up to Mountains. But I am NOT looking forward to the next 13 days of packing, organizing time to see friends, absolutely nothing to do at work, and saying goodbye. Mostly saying goodbye. I just keep praying for peace in my heart during this transition - the biggest transition since I graduated high school and moved to Texas.

Dallas Mission Trip - Day 3

It's funny writing "Day 3" because it really feels like I've been here for weeks! And it sure has been an interesting ride thus far. I am SO looking forward to what the Lord has for me (and my team!) the rest of the trip, because these first two full days have been so transformational. I don't even know that transformational is a real word. But it definitely describes my awe at what the Lord has already done in my heart.

How often I revert back to striving and pushing and appeasing... all in my own strength. What foolishness! That will get me nowhere! I'm reminded again: I can do nothing - NOTHING - without the grace of God. Thankfully, His grace comes in abundance. And always at the right times.

I was doing GREAT all day the first day. I have been at Teen Mania for three years; a day full of sessions is a piece of cake! It only took until about 30 minutes after the Missionary Advisors arrived for insecurity to fall on me like a brick. It totally caught me off guard. I thought I was doing great! Then, suddenly, I started entertaining lies and choking in fear. Literally. At worship in our first session with the MA's I just felt utterly overwhelmed. I cried. I poured my heart out to God... but it was mostly self-pity. I told Him, "Please, God, I don't want to lead! I'm not ready!" My heart was so heavy. It's amazing how a single thought can turn into such... dread. There was a night and day difference from my mindset the entire day to when they arrived.

Fear is ridiculous! It's so consuming. I do NOT want to live like that.

I'm generally very analytical and self aware... so when I realized that I had let all those stinkin' lies slip into my mind and allowed them to change the pattern of my thoughts... I started to come up with a solution. My conclusion was that I don't have a solid foundation of confidence, so it was crushed easily. Yes, that must be it. I just need to work harder and build up my own confidence so I'm able to stand on my own. HOW WRONG THAT IS! It may sound good, but it is definitely not truth.

The next morning I told a good friend about this revelation and she stopped me and said:

"No, Kailene - even when you have a shaky foundation, YOU STAND ON CHRIST THE SOLID ROCK."

Whew. Amen, Emily!

"On Christ the solid rock I stand, ALL other ground is sinking sand..."

Oh, how my perspective has changed! Christ - it's all about HIM. It's not about me or what I can do. I may not be qualified to lead this team, but God's grace fills in where I lack. And I know that I have an abundance of "lacking" in my life - but good thing God has an abundance of grace. :)

God is good. I am on this trip for a reason and I KNOW that I can trust and rely on my love He has for me. And really, what else matters? I'm excited to share this knowledge of His love with my missionaries and the "nationals" in Dallas.

(I find it funny that one post will be about delicious tarts and custard and the very next post is full of just... my HEART. The many different aspects of Kailene.)

Happy Fourth!!!

To kick off the 4th of July last night (we tend to celebrate birthdays/holidays early around here - ha!) my roommates and I made little berry tarts. They were DELICIOUS. Heather made the tarts and Emily was her sous chef. I made the salmon and potatoes and Arielle made the asparagus and carrots for dinner. Dinner was good. But the TARTS... they were awesome. Heather said she would make some for my wedding (at some point NOT in the near future) - I told her that I would need about 150 times the amount we had last night. :) She can do it. I believe in her.

There are some cooking blogs out there that give you easy-to-understand recipes and pictures to follow along... this is not one of those blogs. I'm just here to brag about my roommate's baking skills. I will tell you that they had a cute little crust (always the best part!) and custard (to die for!) and blueberries/blackberries/raspberries on top. Yum!

I hope you all have a WONDERFUL Fourth of July celebrating not only the freedom that we are privileged to have in this country, but the freedom that we get to walk out in daily as children of God! It was so encouraging to go to church this morning and be reminded of that truth. Be blessed!

God's Love.

God's love overshadows all the rest. There's no sense in looking for something better; you will never find it. He freely offers this unconditional love to His children. Nothing that you - or anyone else - can ever say, do think, plan, or wish will ever decrease His love for you in the slightest. It is not based on any performance, appearance, achievement, crisis, 5-year plan, accomplishment, success, fame, or career. He loves you because He created you. Period.

He "knit you together in your mother's womb." He knows your thoughts and dreams. He cheers for you when it seems as though nobody else does. He cries with you when you're all alone. He makes the sun shine for you when all you can see is darkness. He brings water to you when you are thirsty. He cares about the intimate details of your life. And your life. And YOUR life. [Yes, this means you. YOU are not exempt from this truth. His love letter is for you, dear friend.] Nothing you could ever do can make God love you any more than He already does - it reaches higher than the highest mountain and deeper than the deepest ocean. His love is beyond all that you can ask for or imagine. His love is greater than anything that you have ever or will ever experience.

Do you feel lonely? He desires to spend time with you. Do you feel burdened? He will carry your load in His strength. Do you feel confused? Stay connected to the Vine - for He is not a God of chaos, but of peace. Do you feel unlovely? to God, you are His beautiful creation; made with a distinct purpose. Do you feel lost? God already knows the plans that He has for you; they are for good and not harm.

Rest in His presence. Acknowledge His power. Live daily in His peace. Relish in His LOVE. Walk in His freedom. Recognize His grace on your life. Believe the truth that He speaks to YOU.

[THANKFUL Thursday]

I'm going to start this on Thursdays - a blog of thankfulness. One thing that I learned from my core advisor, Kristi, my intern year is that when my heart is full of gratitude there won't be room for anything else that shouldn't be there. I hope that I live each day like this. Thankfulness has the power to change your whole attitude.

Here are some things that I am thankful for today:

1. My Dallas mission trip starts in less than a week!!!
2. My car still runs :)
3. The air conditioning in my house mysteriously works again
4. I have some pretty dang awesome roommates.
5. I have a nice, long break from school... and it will start up again soon. I'm also grateful for that!
6. Speaking of school - I received a pell grant that covers HALF of my tuition next year - Praise God!
7. My pillow - it really is an amazing feeling to lay your head down on a comfy pillow at the end of the day. Ah, wonderful rest.
8. I get paid to play with kids at church 3 days a week - they really bring such joy to my life!
9. In 6 weeks I'm moving in with the York's and I'll get to see Jamie all the time - such a blessing!
10. Kyle - I'm just thankful for my brother and how MATURE and WISE he is! I'm so proud!
11. In 7 weeks I'm going to Portland and I get to see my family! And eat at the House of Teriyaki! Oh how I miss those restaurants...
12. Friends and family who love me.
13. This season of life - I really am just blown away with everything that I'm learning and the many ways that I continue to grow more and more into who God created me to be.