Stop. Rest. Reflect.

I don't generally lie... I'm actually a horrible liar! (I suppose this is a good thing.) Even pulling off surprises takes a lot of preparation and self control. Even if I say the right thing, my face generally gives it away. So maybe more out of lack of skill, rather than morality, I tend to be a very honest person.

Although, have you ever noticed how EASY it is to lie to yourself? It's nothing like lying to another person. Even though I can't lie worth anything, I can and do lie to myself all the time. Hey, I even lie to God. In my prayers I try to sound holy and put together and just pray nice things for other people. Pastor Bryan challenged us this morning: "Be brutally honest with where your heart is at." Sometimes we just stay physically and emotionally busy so that we don't have to deal with all that junk in our hearts. We pretty ourselves up and achieve great things so that nobody else can see what lies on the inside. This can be anything from hidden sin to covering how I feel about something minor or not really reflecting on how a particular situation affects me.

All I'm doing today is passing this charge on to you: Be brutally honest with the condition of your heart. I'm going to spend some time today (and the rest of this week - as I think it will probably take a few tries to really get to the root of some issues) and just THINK about my life. Be honest with myself and with the Lord. How do I feel about my plans for next year? What am I afraid of? How am I not trusting the Lord? How do I feel about things that are happening in my family? What am I running away from? What relationships am I frustrated with - how am I really dealing with this?

*Note: This exercise requires complete honesty - not only with yourself, but with the Lord. Politeness and politics are not important. It's just between you and God. Then, if necessary, you can bring in some encouragement and accountability from a close friend. Psalm 62:8 "Trust in him at all times, O people; pour out your hearts to him, for God is our refuge." Pour out your heart!

The Love of my Heavenly Father

I get overwhelmed so easily. I allow myself to get wrapped up in thoughts of "what if" and "how will I ever" and... I so quickly forget the power of GOD'S LOVE. First of all, His physical act of love - sending His one and only Son, Jesus, to die on the cross in my place - covers over all my sin. That means that when I fail or make mistakes, He's always got my back. I can always run to Him. He will never have enough of me or grow weary of my forgetfulness and disobedience. His love is never, ever ending - so nothing that I do will make it go away. I'm slowly learning how to see God as my heavenly Father. He's not like an earthly father. God's love goes beyond what I do for him or how well I perform. His love is so personal and intimate - He cares about and is involved in every detail of my life. (as long as I ALLOW Him to be involved) His plans for me are for GOOD - He wants to see me prosper.

When I start to feel overwhelmed like this, I have to take a step or two back and just bask in the knowledge of God's love. I do know that He loves me more than I could ever know. I do know that His love will carry me through change, transition, decision-making, and anything else that I come up against. I know that in His presence I will find peace. He has come so that I may have LIFE and have it more abundantly. Living for God is not just surviving... it is THRIVING. Whether it is going to school, or working at whatever job I can find to pay for school, or serving in my church, or building relationship - whatever I do - I will do it all in the name of the Lord. Today is Valentine's day - I will focus on the LOVE of my Heavenly Father!

I feel like lately I have just been CONSTANTLY thinking about next year. (I feel like 'dun dun dun' should always follow the two words "next year"...just sayin') Last night I told some friends about my decision to go to school in Boise, ID. Then afterwards I wished I hadn't mentioned anything. Not because they weren't supportive, they were. But it made the decision feel more final to me... I feel very secure in Garden Valley, TX. I know my way around the area, I have free housing/food, my car insurance is paid off, my school is paid for by grants, I am fairly confident in my job, I get to work with kids at church two nights a week... basically, I'm living the dream. My plans for next year are EXCITING. (VERY exciting!!!) But they are scary. It's different. It's a whole stinkin' lot of change. It's leaving behind a handful of friends who are very near to my heart. It's leaving behind financial security and my 3 year "tenure" in ATF Ops. I am so blessed to have friends to live with in Boise, but in 7 months my life is going to look very different.

I am anticipating a big change... but I really don't want it to consume my life. There is a difference between preparation and obsession. Preparation brings peace, obsession is craziness. I'd rather live a life of peace, thank you very much. :) Lord, help me to guard my heart against unnecessary worry and fear, and help me to rely on you in confirming this decision and not be swayed by my unstable emotions.

Learning? Life? What?

Sometimes life is so confusing. I'm just being honest. I do love life and I know that the Lord is growing me and teaching me and I love serving at an awesome ministry like Teen Mania... but there are so many things that I just don't understand.

I started this blog, because I thought it would help me to identify the lessons that the Lord is teaching me and help me to recognize and share specific areas of growth. I know that I haven't blogged all that much... but trust me, I think about it often. I want to share what I'm learning. I want to teach you the things that the Lord has put on my heart. But I seem to be having this issue with communication lately. It's been holding me back. [Preface: I am fully aware that Satan is just trying to hinder my effectiveness in the Kingdom and stop me from sharing life with others. But regardless...] This is how I described it recently in my journal: "It's like when you feel like you have to throw up, but nothing comes up. My mouth moves, but nothing of any significance comes out. My heart is overflowing, but my thoughts are just confusing." The past couple weeks in accountability (I meet on Tuesday nights with a group of 4 other women), as I share an idea or concept, this thought inevitably crosses my mind at some point: "What in the world are you even saying right now?!" It's kind of ironic, because for accountability we're reading a book about self-talk... hmm... maybe I should look more into that.

Maybe I'm just in process. I'm in the process of making decisions and figuring out details for my life in August. I'm in the process of the spring in ATF Ops (spring = overtime). I'm in the process of online classes, textbooks, and tests. I think being 21 years old in itself is just a process - some basic processes (such as learning about cooking and cleaning and time/money management) and some complicated processes (asking questions like "Lord, when will you send my husband?" and "How do I deal with my broken family?" and "What am I supposed to do in August?!", etc, etc.).

In conclusion, I know that I'm learning things; I just can't really pin point what they are... and I know that sounds odd... I don't understand it either. :) I don't understand a lot of things. I just know that I need to trust.

Everyday, Lord, teach me to trust.

School started today. Tonight – as I sit at Rockwell's, skim through random college websites, drink my blended chocolate mint, etc, etc – is the calm before the storm. Trust me, I say that with great excitement, anticipation and only slight sarcasm. I am definitely a creature of habit. I love routine. “Consistency is spiritual currency.” I like to make and follow a schedule. This spring semester will definitely be a rigorous time crunch. 14 credits (4 classes) at TJC – 2 online and 2 on campus, 34 scheduled hours as the Office Manager of Acquire the Fire Operations, working at Grace Community Church doing childcare two nights a week, a lot of books to read, 25 ATF events remaining in “The Encounter” tour, coffee shops to visit, friendships to build and blog posts to write. :) Oh, yes. I love my life. My prayer is that even amidst this ever so slightly chaotic spring semester, I would not lose sight of the main thing: God is good and I live to serve Him. I pray that I would not get so caught up in work and school, that I forget about people. I hope that I would not be so immersed in what I have to do that I forget what I live to do. I don’t want to plan so much that I miss out on the fun. Lord, help me not to trade being, the maenjoying and serving for doing, working and striving. Help me to keep in thing the MAIN thing. HE is my reason for living. I pray that in everything I do this spring, Lord, I would bring glory to your name and reflect your love to everyone to I come into contact with.

More Reflections of 2009

This was a question that was asked of the congregation at church today: "How did you respond to the challenges of 2009?" (We must have deep roots to stand strong – Luke 8:13) I kind of changed it by thinking about the past year in general and all of the things I've learned. These are my thoughts... pretty much just how they came into my head.

In different situations, I’ve responded differently. (well, duh.) What did 2009 look like for me? I learned and experienced and grew so much more than I ever imagined. The Lord just continues to prove Himself faithful over and over in my Life. I love hearing His voice. This year I became more introverted. I have been withdrawn… and also very open. I’ve felt more like an adult. I bought a car. I dealt with my parents’ divorce and the break down of my family. My relationship with my brother has strengthened and grown deeper. My vision for the future has become clearer. My relationship with the Lord is more solid. Physical and spiritual disciplines are more consistent and natural. I worry much less. This means that I am more dependent on the Lord for strength and hope. I believe that He is who He says He is, and He will do what He says He will do. I have stepped out more boldly in leadership. (wow. This has been a BIG year for me!) I realized that I LOVE the Pacific Northwest, but I don’t hate Texas. (It took a long time to come to that realization…) I traveled to Chicago, which is now my favorite place. I would love to go back there sometime. This was also the coldest weather that I had ever been in! I love to read, and I’ve been learning a LOT through the books I read and building up my library. I had the biggest financial struggle… ever; mostly because this was the most financial responsibility that I’ve ever had. But I survived with a meager $10 to my name for longer than I thought I could. And I had many people who I knew would support me in a heartbeat if I truly needed it. I just learned to rely on the Lord and live off of only what was necessary, while also not becoming too anxious with money. (It took some time & prayer, but the Lord worked that out in my heart. I’m worth more than the amount of money in my bank account.) Everything in balance- It’s okay to buy new tennis shoes when I go running about 4 times a week and my last pair lasted me over two years. Besides, when I went to the shoe store, I bought the cheapest pair they had. :) I learned a lot about cooking! I’ve experimented and followed recipes… and called my mom, grandma, and other smart women in my life for advice. I love to cook, especially when it ends up tasting good. I went from living in a house with 17 women, to living in a small duplex with 4 women – two on each side. I learned a lot about relationships and communication and conflict. I dropped my habit of people pleasing. I dealt with feelings of rejection and inadequacy. Then I recognized that the Lord works through my inadequacy to bring glory to His name and I need to stop trying to do everything in my own strength and power.

New Year!

Well, it's January 2, 2010. Happy New Year! "Let's start this year off with a BANG!" A bang? Nothing too exciting happens... then before you know it, it's a new year. Not only a new year, but a new decade. So what does this transition time mean? Start new? Blank slate? Turn over a new leaf? Hmm. My hopes for 2010 involve growth in bolder leadership, deeper devotion, stronger relationships, consistent self discipline and a more firm foundation on the truth. New Year's resolutions/promises/goals/ aspirations... most people at least think of one. They may SOUND nice, but they don't really mean anything unless you actually follow through. It's easy for me to say that I would like to have stronger relationships and bolder leadership and more consistent self discipline and such. It is NOT easy to actually implement all of those things. It takes work, time, diligence, a plan of action, accountability and discipline. (which is funny, because discipline is something that I want to be further developed in my life! whew! This could be rough...) We can set goals because we know where we OUGHT to be, but we won't be who we ought to be unless we do something to get there. You can't just live in a land of high hopes and dreams and expect that one day you will reach them if you don't change anything in your life. In order for growth to happen, there must be change.

How many of you made a new year's resolution to eat healthier... and have already eaten a candy bar? How many of you decided to wake up on time... and hit the snooze button 11 times this morning? Maybe it's time you come up with some small steps to reach that goal. You can't reach the end without going through the process to get there. Set smaller goals to reach your big goal. Don't give up in 3 days! Be persistent and keep at it. Get accountability so your friend/mentor who can walk alongside you and help you reach the goal. Write it down; if the goal (and steps to reach that goal) are written down, you are more likely to follow through with it. It's like a personal accountability...

I hope that you all enjoyed this Christmas season and are anticipating the new year! God has great things for 2010. Take responsibility for your own growth and DO something about it this year. Let me know how it goes. :)

The Beginning

I decided to start a blog as a way to recognize what God is doing in my life... and share it to anyone who cares to read. I love to write. I love to share my heart. I am twenty-one years old and the Lord has taught me a whole lot in the past couple of years! It's one thing to know that you are learning and growing... but it's another thing to actually pinpoint exactly how you are growing and what you are learning. I want to identify those, process through experiences and lessons in my life, and be purposeful in my growth. (Maybe by writing the lesson down I will be more apt to remember it in the future, which will ensure that I don't have to learn the same lesson twice!) Mostly I am writing so that when someone asks me, "What is God teaching you right now?" I can be ready with an answer.