This is me, trying to sleep...

My sleeping habits have been WAY off this past week. I tried to go to sleep tonight, but just ended up with my head pounding, eyes wide open, and mind racing. So I think I'll write a bit. Not that I want to make it a habit to write in the middle of the night, but this is the second night in a row.

*Note: I'm currently listening to Casting Crown's amazing-wonderful-awesome Christmas album because it's some of the most relaxing music I own.

I registered for spring semester classes tonight. Next to math and pickles and shopping for jeans, registering for classes is one of my LEAST favorite things to do. I've only been ALLOWED to start registering since Thursday and already it was difficult to find a class that I wouldn't have to sit on the waiting list for. (fyi - as a melancholy personality, waiting lists scare me because they hinder me from setting a solid schedule and making sure everything fits together properly.) Jamie graciously helped me search for open classes that are relevant to my changing major (bless her - I know she was ready for bed like an hour before that). So I just enrolled in as many as I could find - 6 - and I can always drop one or two if I need to. By the way - as far as changing my major, I'm leaning towards Communications. But I'm still nervous about that decision, so it's not final yet.

Not only is that process frustrating... I'm just struggling. I'm struggling with comparing myself. Not to any particular person, just to what I think I "should" be doing. Really, at this rate I don't think I'll graduate before I'm 30! And if I'm supposed to be focusing so much on school, then I can hardly work, which means I hardly make any money, which means I'll live with the York's long enough to see Josiah go to elementary school. (he's not even two) Okay - I know that was a slight exaggeration, just trying to make a point. ;-)

Apparently, as you may have read in my previous post, I assume that at 22 I should have reached the epitome of excellence and success and devotion, with no hint of faltering. I'm sure everyone can read this with a little laugh - because you all know that I'm never going to be perfect and that's okay!

I need to take a deep breath. Think realistically. Set some goals. Enjoy life. Get my priorities straight. Daily depend on the Lord for His grace and mercy. Rest ASSURED in His unconditional love.

[Oh Lord, have I forgotten about your infinite love for me?! Help me to live IN Your love.]

The Perfectionist in Me

Last night Jamie stopped by my room to say goodnight before she went to bed and we ended up talking for about 20 minutes... and in the course of that conversation I realized the root of much of my stress and anxiety these last two weeks: PRIDE.

[That's always a fun conversation. Not!]

It was one of those times where we were talking about this and I kept thinking, "Oh, I do that... yep, guilty of that, too... wow, this woman just nailed it on the head!" We weren't even talking about ME necessarily, but I definitely recognized the effects in my own life.

I just moved here, so of course I want to fit in, but at what length? I just spent three years at an awesome internship program called the Honor Academy at Teen Mania Ministries, so of course I want to exercise 5 times a week and have a lengthy quiet time everyday, but am I really a failure when I fall short? I'm supposed to be focusing heavily on school now, so why am I not getting A's? And why do I still not know what I want to do with my life?

I realized that I've just been condemning myself lately for every single mistake and shortcoming. I drastically overslept the other morning (which is not normal) and I thought it was just about the end of the world. I mean, really, that's just ridiculous.

What happened to my eternal perspective?!

One of my favorite lessons that I should probably tell myself at least 438 times a day: "You are not defined by your failures!"

WHO or WHAT defines me? Jesus. He says that I'm lovely. He says that I am dearly loved. He says that He will fight for me. He says that He has some pretty darn good plans for my life. He says that I can rest in His arms. He says I don't have to be troubled or afraid.

And He says all of that to you, too.

Thankful Thursday :]

Hello Everyone, and welcome to... THANKFUL THURSDAY! Today I do not feel like being thankful, but I need to be thankful. In fact, I texted my dear friend, Emily, and told her that I'm tired of having BAD days! She told me that I need to make a list of everything I'm thankful for to change my attitude/perspective. Then it dawned on me that it IS Thursday... so I can blog it. :)

So this is what I'm thankful about today:

1. Kerinda gave me two free tickets to Tyrone Wells' show downtown last night and I took my new friend Felicia. Tyrone is an awesome musician (one of my favorites) and he happens to be Kerinda's little brother. It was definitely one of the coolest things I've done since I got to Boise!

2. My new friend, Felicia. I am so excited to get to know this girl! We're very similar and I think we'll be good friends. :)

3. A friend sent me a significant amount of money (significant to me, at least!) in the mail this week... it's amazing what the Lord can do with a generous heart. I'm so grateful. (Because of her - I was able to get insurance on my car for this month. Yay!)

4. I posted on facebook that I'm going to change my major and within 12 hours I had a TON of feedback/encouragement/suggestions - how awesome to live in a "community" of friends and family who will help me with such practical things!

5. My brother, Kyle's, 20th birthday is on Monday... and I'm so grateful for him!!!

And that's the extent of my list for now. I'm trying so hard not to be overwhelmed. I just thought of the "glass balls" analogy that Tresbien taught me my intern year at Teen Mania - I can only carry so many responsibilities. If I try to juggle too many "glass balls," something is bound to break. I need to ask myself that question every morning, "What are my glass balls for today?" That way I don't try to manage all of the glass balls for the week (or month or year) in a single day. I just feel grumpy when I see glass balls falling all over the place. Can I just have some peace and consistency?!

Status Report =

Sooo... of course during the week that I'm abstaining from sweets someone brought homemade carmel apples to life group last night! I was so excited, chose the apple that had a good amount of carmel, and after 5 bites realized that I was breaking my own rule ... oh well. It's not like you get delicious carmel apples everyday! I couldn't really throw away half of it. The deed was done. ;-)

AND - even though I went to sleep at 1:00am, I still got out of bed when my alarm went off at 5:00am and exercised for 20 minutes before I went to watch the kiddos. I feel great! It just takes a little discipline to remind your flesh who's in charge.

Side Note: You all should listen to Shane & Shane's CD "Everything is Different." All of the songs are full of truth... words straight from scripture... it's just so great. I love filling my mind with truth! This week is going to be better than last week. There are still a lot of things to figure out with my car (registration, insurance, plates, tags, and fees out the wazoo) AND changing my major ASAP -- but I'm determined to remain steadfast in the Lord.

The End. :)

My Self Challenge for This Week... and what I'm learning along with it...

Whoa - I almost said, "Happy Monday!" Where has time gone?! I must be a little out of it... it is Tuesday, right??

So anyways, I am doing a special self discipline/health challenge for this week. I'm going to exercise every morning (it took me about 30 minutes to actually get out of bed this morning! haha) and drink at least 2 liters of water everyday (for some reason I have a hard time drinking even 2 GLASSES of water daily...) and I'm not eating any "sugar extras" - no cookies, ice cream, or candy. (This does NOT include coffee...) For those of you who are familiar with Teen Mania... I guess it's a mini Orange Block, which we all know and love. But hey - I know it's effective!

I video chatted with a good, far away (Virginia) friend, Emily, last week and we talked about working on ONE thing at a time. Sometimes I just get so overwhelmed with the 3864 ways that I need to change to become... healthier, a better student, more devoted to the Lord, a better friend, more financially stable, etc, etc, etc. But when I try to "fix" ALL of those areas at the SAME time... it generally just ends in frustration. Probably beacuse I'm looking for a quick fix... and I want to do it on my own. (independence) But when I rely on the Lord and remain still and peaceful to hear His voice.... and set attainable goals that focus on one or maybe two things... then I can see some growth.

So even though I know that I have a long ways to go and many areas to grow in... I need to learn to still appreciate who I am NOW. I need to remember that God loves me NOW, just the way I am. I don't need to reach this certain point of excellence before I can receive His affection. Hmmm.... I serve a God who's LOVE is unconditional. Stable. Consistent. Steadfast.

Something in which I can place my hope & trust.

Please Help??! haha

Can anyone tell me how to change the color of my post titles? That gray/blue color does NOT work with this color scheme... in fact, it kind of hurts my eyes. But I am a little "blogger" illiterate and I can't figure out how to change it!

NEEEEEW CAR!!!!

Hopefully this is the last time I have to post a picture of a car on my blog for a looong time! But, I just thought I'd show you all my NEW car. It's a 2001 Chevy Cavalier with only 135k miles on it and I bought it tonight for $1600. I told him "I'm not trying to sound suspicious, but it sounds like too great of a car to only sell for $1600... is there a reason?" And he said that he's just trying to sell it fast so he can pay bills. So I just HOPE it's a good one. It feels like such a risk. BUT - the miracle part is that I was able to buy the car without borrowing any money. I still need to pay for the registration/taxes... and to get the windshield fixed... and buy seat covers (I think the seats are pretty ugly.) ... and you know, buy some half way decent Christmas presents for my friends and family. But I'll just take all of that one day at a time. :)

Jamie, Josiah and I went for a walk this afternoon and we talked about God's provision... I really do believe that He'll provide. Lord, help me to be content... and to walk in the PEACE of that knowledge everyday.