Living in a "Guard Your Heart" Culture - Pt 1

I can easily second Emily Maynard, from Prodigal Magazine, when she says, "I grew up in a Christian culture where the idea of 'guarding your heart' was not just in vogue, but an obsession." It was plastered on brightly colored journals, quoted throughout books geared toward teens, creatively strewn across a cute picture of a heart on a mug or a magnet. Everywhere you looked, this was the overwhelming message. I'd like to sit down for coffee & chat with the first person who decided it was necessary to impart this little nugget of wisdom to the mass of confused, attention-crazed teenagers.... 

"Guard your heart," they say.

We quickly write down this simple phrase in a journal to reflect on later as if it mysteriously holds the power to make us spiritually pure. We learned very quickly that this is the key to success. This is the wisdom that you pass along to any peer struggling with contentment or purity or seeking attention from anywhere other than the Lord. The answer to any of these struggles? Guard your heart, friend. That's all you need to do. 

Then five minutes later, we question, "Wait a minute... what does that even MEAN?" I'm supposed to guard my heart to prevent heartache, remain pure, and then, presumably, I will know the exact right time & person to suddenly open it up to? I mean, that's a whole lot of pressure. That's a whole lot of room for mistake. That's a whole lot of room for "missing the mark." 

"Missing the mark" is the definition of sin, of which there IS surely grace.

But somehow, we lose sight of grace - and the source of grace - when it comes to purity. Brokenness in relationships is a deeply personal pain, and the hurt we feel makes it hard to think that we will ever be made whole. As in, "I gave part of my heart to him and since we're not going to get married, I can never get it back. I now have less love to give & less of me to share."

Our hope for a life of purity goes right out the door at the end of a hopeful relationship.

We think that the source of grace comes from our own ability to appear pure-hearted and abstain from sinful acts of lust. Once we "miss the mark" in either of those areas, we aren't sure where to turn.

Growing up I heard from a number of Christian women who spoke of marrying the one person they ever dated, experiencing the beauty of their first kiss at the altar during their wedding ceremony, and only holding hands with that ONE man that they married. In my mind, that was the epitome of purity. I thought, "One day I want to speak to girls and give the same testimony of how I, too, chose not to give my heart away before the right time!" 

Sure, it's a nice thought. But when is the "right" time? What if what I think is the right time really isn't the right time? And if that is the picture of purity, what happens when my life doesn't look like that? What happens when I chose to date and invest in a relationship, and then NOT marry him? [I don't think that these Christian women intend to imply this as the standard of purity. I do think that that is often the message received.]

I'll tell you what I felt like happened: I suddenly had no hope of purity. Because of that choice to not marry the first man I dated, I could no longer preach that same message and share that same testimony of marrying the only man who's hand I had ever held. 

I felt like overnight I had somehow lost a huge, chunk of my heart and thus had less love to give in the future. That piece of my heart also carried my purity, and presumably, the only chance at "purity" I would ever have. Once it was given that one time, I had somehow used it all up. 

Basically, I was done for. So much for the life of purity and "guarding my heart" that I anticipated living.

The appeal of the "guard your heart" theory summed up: "It offers us a pain free life if we follow the rules, and that sounds really great. It promises us that if we don’t have crushes, or at least don’t admit them, if we never say ‘I love you’ first, if we act detached until the last possible moment before commitment, if we just get married instead of dating, we’ll never have to experience heartbreak and we’ll be okay. It guarantees in a neat, repeatable phrase that we will be in control" (Maynard).

Following a clear set of rules, the blissfulness of marriage rather than the complications of dating, and CONTROL?! Man, this sounds like a great idea to me. But is it reality? It appears that this notion of formulaic and controlled relationships is about as far from reality as Earth is from Pluto. It's a whole different world, and those who live under this assumption will likely experience a brutal wake up call at some point along the way. I know I did.