Response to Relevant Magazine's article, "How Should Christians Date?"

*I wrote this response as an assignment for a nonfiction writing class. Therefore, some of the analysis is purely technical because that's what the instructor was asking for. I will add more at the end that is solely for the purpose of my own response/thoughts because I think this topic/article is fascinating and so necessary to discuss.

Let me know what YOU think! :)

Article: “How Should Christians Date?”

Source: Relevant Magazine (online)

http://www.relevantmagazine.com/life/relationships/how-should-christians-date

            David Halberstam [this is from a class text, "Telling True Stories"] suggests, “When you find a reporter whose work you admire, break his or her code” (13). I chose this article on dating in the world of Christianity because I have also wrestled with this subject. Also, the kind of nonfiction reporting/writing found in Relevant magazine, is the exact kind of writing that I am drawn to; I could see myself writing similar articles someday. I wanted to analyze an article that is similar to what I am interested in writing.

            The first thing I noticed about this article, “How Should Christians Date?”, by Nicole Unice, is that she gives advice and tips to young Christians that oppose the norm. (That’s what I’ve been thinking about lately – I want to write about something from a new perspective, something that is countercultural or helps to generate a new way of thinking.) I grew up in a religious environment where I learned (either explicitly or implicitly) that the purpose of dating is solely to find your future spouse, casual dating is sinful and unproductive in moving toward that goal, and to “[judge] a potential guy or girl for the 38 qualities you are looking for in an ideal mate”(1).

            From personal experience – limited experience, probably due to this restrictive mindset I once adopted – I know that this is the “safe” form of dating. It’s not very enjoyable. It’s kind of confusing and full of all kinds of pressure. I went on one date that was a ton of fun last winter. He was easy to be around, made me laugh, and seemed to be on the same page as far as our philosophy of dating and relationships. Then on the drive home, the cynicism crept in as I began to question if dating was really for me and by the way, what the heck even is dating?! I was gently reminded by a friend that night that I don’t have to know that I’m going to marry the man after sitting in a coffee shop for two hours together. It’s just not realistic. [Regardless, I still felt that pressure.]

            I would suspect that Nicole Unice is going to draw in a large amount of readers to this article because it goes against what Christian youth are typically taught. I don’t think that those original teachings I heard as a teenager were meant to lead me into a rigid life of seclusion, but in the end, that was the result and it took me a while to work out of it. Her subtitle is “Why it’s time to simplify the puzzle of Christian romance.” She introduces the topic using humor and relevant concepts, i.e. – alluding to “the list” in calling out the judgmental mentality in checking off those “38 qualities you are looking for in an ideal mate” (1).

            Then Unice uses a list of four things that she deems are required for Christians to move away from this rigid, pressure-filled mentality toward dating and more of a freeing, enjoyable process of actually getting to know someone. This article “works” because it is extremely relevant to young Christians who are generally taught the “rules” of dating, which are extremely restrictive. Unice still presents a godly, biblical example of the process of getting to know someone, but without all the mess. This is a new way of thinking that, at least in my case, challenges an old way of thinking. She also uses pop culture references (i.e. the Duggars) in presenting points, which helps the reader to relate. The list format, with a headline/explanation under each point, brings organization to the piece and provides a clear path for the reader to travel down as he or she continues to read the article.

 

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Continued post school assignment:

 

Nicole Unice asserts that the Christian dating scene is "weird." I would have to agree. No two people have the same definition or expectations of dating. It is simple weird and absurd to assume that I will know the whole of another human being after one experience together. I understand, and absolutely support, the idea that "there are only two options: you either get married or break up" and I am seriously all about avoiding unnecessary heartbreak and emotional drama. But, honestly, "heartbreak" (hard things in general) can lead to personal growth and in some cases, doesn't have to follow every single dating situation one enters. I can go on a "date" with a guy and CHOOSE to not create an emotional attachment based on "wow, he opened the door for me so he must be a gentleman" or "he offered to pray before dinner so I'm sure he loves Jesus a LOT!" Without that emotional attachment, things aren't weird! I can decide to either continue spending time with and getting to know the guy, or decide that I'm not interested in doing so. And both are OKAY.

 

I think another concept perpetuated in Christian circles is that there is some kind of model of godly dating. If you veer from this model (will someone please direct me to such a thing??!), then you have suddenly strayed from the straight and narrow and require an intervention to return to a state of holiness. (exaggeration, not cynicism. fyi.)

 

This perceived "model" causes the individual attempting to "date" to be in a constant state of confusion and always feeling like he/she is in the wrong. I must have said something wrong or done something wrong and now the possibility of this relationship is doomed to failure. When in reality, that model doesn't even EXIST. We (as young Christians looking for spouses. or YCLFS, for those of us who appreciate abbreviations.) must understand that every single relationship is going to look different. Just because somebody else experienced dating one way, doesn't mean that you will - and that is OKAY. God has written a very specific, special, intentional love story for you and you will NOT want to miss out on it because you were trying to live somebody else's love story. That's just not the way it works. There IS no "way it works," and that's my point. :)

 

Also - I recently realized the underlying issue of why I felt this lingering sense of shame related to the topic in the above paragraph. I had heard from countless women speakers/authors/leaders things like, "Don't kiss before you're married," "You should only date who you're going to marry - I never dated anyone besides my husband," and "Your relationship should look like A+B=Marriage." It all sounded good at the time, and I am 100% certain that these women have pure intentions. But what I didn't realize at the time is that I equated all of those things and more to purity and godliness. Anything that strayed from the experience of that particular woman, and I was suddenly in sin. (THIS is not biblical.) If I didn't marry the first person I dated, then I was not going to have a story like HER'S to share, and gosh, her's just sounded so biblical and right. So where does that leave me?

 

And we wonder why there is so much pressure in dating?!

 

Okay, I'm getting a little fired up and this blog post is already over 1200 words so I'm just going to end with that and possibly resume the thought process on another day. :)