Absence Makes the Heart Grow Fonder...

It's been almost two months since I last posted something... I think that has got to be the longest stretch of time I've gone without writing! I'm not really sure why I stopped, besides that I was getting tired of not knowing WHAT to write. More realistically, I probably could think of too MANY things to write about and couldn't decide. I randomly thought about writing a couple days ago and resolved to start again. I don't want to give up! I know that God works IN me when I write. Hopefully the long break has made my heart fonder toward writing. Maybe I have some renewed inspiration in there somewhere.

Again, my mind is flooding with so many different things I could write about: what I'm learning, the crazy-ever-changing circumstances of life, growing relationships, understanding (and often MISunderstanding) grace, how I was so very wrong when I thought I could live off of 4 hours of sleep (and have paid for it for the past 5 days!)... I suppose this is a good place to start --

It's pretty easy to slip into the mentality of living some kind of "normal" life, right? Go to class, get good grades, find a job that will pay enough money to get a nice apartment and buy healthy food. We're "supposed" to make the kind of decisions that "just make sense." What if living radically was the norm? What if everyone lived a radical life that it wasn't so weird to see people going to the nations or speaking up about their faith or choosing to set their standards higher than the world deems necessary?

After hearing Nathan speak at Fuel - Campus Crusade - last night I got EXCITED. I'm excited about what God is doing around the world, on our campus and in my own life. I was reminded that I don't WANT a safe, normal, comfortable life. I severely limit the ways God can use me if I plant myself in my comfort zone. Selfishly, it's so hard to forgo comfort! My desire to serve God and see His name made known runs much, much deeper than my desire to be financially secure and have a lot of friends... I just need to examine my thoughts & actions to be sure that they line up with this desire.

Yesterday I met with a sweet girl from school and we walked through a simple study to learn more about the role of the Holy Spirit in our lives. When I left I felt so encouraged because it served as a reminder that this is what I was made to do. I've become so consumed with other areas of my life that ministry has become a task and not a way of life. I need to adjust OTHER areas of my life so that ministry can just happen naturally and not forcefully. I get energized by doing what God has called me to do! That meeting + the topic at Fuel yesterday made me realize how I need to make a massive change in the way I think. I'm pretty sure I had slowly begun to close my hands around certain areas of my life, which has caused me to live in fear. After realizing this, I know that I need to move toward SURRENDER in this areas and pursue the dreams that God has given me! There is purpose in them, and they are not that far off.

What do you need to surrender in order to follow God more freely?

Get Motivated!

You know what I love? Getting things done, being proactive, learning, growing, being challenged, seeing progress... I just get excited about seeing God MOVE in my life and in the people around me.

[He really is active and involved in our world, if we would just open our eyes!]

As you may have seen in the attitude of previous posts, I've been struggling with frustration because of the "weirdness" of life right now. There is so much change and confusion and unknown that I get overwhelmed often. 

You know what I hate? Complacency. I never want to find myself in a place of complacency or comfortable contentment. Yes, I can be content with what I have, but not where I'm at spiritually and emotionally. There is always so much room for growth.

When life seems to "get weird" - which will probably happen often - why should I just accept that? I tend to get caught up in analyzing the details of my life, which leads to confusion and feeling "stuck". The TRUTH is that our "God is not a God of disorder but of peace" (1 Corinthians 14:33). Therefore, I will not be content with disorder, but will actively "seek peace and pursue it" (1 Peter 3:11).

We will not be challenged or grow by simply wishing that it would happen. What are you doing to avoid complacency? What are you doing to pursue your own growth and development? Don't get caught up in the "weirdness" of life, but push toward the PEACE of God. That does not mean that if you struggle or deal with hurt or recognize the depravity of this world that you are somehow outside of God's peace - what an amazing design that His peace exceeds every possible circumstance and emotion. The things that bring us down, cause confusion, break relationships, or anything else - are not greater than the peace of God. This peace that transcends ALL understanding and guards our hearts and minds (Philippians 4:7).

It's okay to accept that life is weird and hard; that's reality. But what is MORE real than that is that I have chosen to life for my King and not for myself. I will not remain in the "weirdness," but choose to put myself in situations that will challenge me and cause growth.

It's About Time.

It has been FAR too long. Remind me not to stay away [from writing] so long ever again. I enjoy writing tremendously and foregoing blogging AND journaling for almost three weeks just makes my heart sink. I thought it was because I didn't know WHAT to say or HOW to say what I wanted to say... but I need to be disciplined to push through those times because it is probably in those moments of life that God really wants to work in me and shape me. Instead, I was stubborn. Typical. ;-)

School started last week and I'm still in the funk of figuring out my drastically different schedule, getting used to new classes and professors, and settling into a nice groove for the next 4 months. I really enjoy being a student and I think my classes will be interesting. I'm super excited about my Personal Evangelism class at the Biblical Studies Center!

I'm in one of those times of life where... I feel a little crazy. :)
I'm excited about what God is doing in my life, but scared at the same time.
I understand some of the things I'm learning in Him, but there is so much more that I just don't understand at all.
I know that I'm surrounded by such a wonderful, godly community, but at the same time feel independent and aloof.
I can think of about 100 things that I need to become more disciplined in and learn about, but can't seem to make headway on a single one.

Here are the lyrics to a song that we've been singing a lot at church by Matt Redman, "Never Once"

Standing on this mountaintop
Looking just how far we've come
Knowing that for every step
You were with us


Kneeling on this battle ground
Seeing just how much You've done
Knowing every victory
Is Your power in us


Scars and struggles on the way
But with joy our hearts can say
Yes, our hearts can say
Never once did we ever walk alone
Never once did You leave us on our own
You are faithful, God, You are faithful

Never once did we ever walk alone
Never once did You leave us on our own
You are faithful, God, You are faithful
You are faithful, God, You are faithful


Scars and struggles on the way
But with joy our hearts can say
Never once did we ever walk alone
Carried by Your constant grace
Held within Your perfect peace
Never once, no, we never walk alone


Never once did we ever walk alone
Never once did You leave us on our own
You are faithful, God, You are faithful


Every step we are breathing in Your grace
Evermore we'll be breathing out Your praise
You are faithful, God, You are faithful
You are faithful, God, You are faithful
----------------------------------------------------------------

Even in the confusion and "figuring out" of life, He IS with us. He is forever faithful. He quiets my heart and rejoices over me with singing. His love endures ALL things and will never, ever fail.

Today, I am thankful for His grace. He is so worthy of my trust, and yet I still doubt. Give me faith, Lord, and help me in my unbelief!

Thoughts @ Midnight

It is just now 12:00am and I've been sitting here cozy on my bed with my robe, slippers, and chamomile tea (my favorite) ... just gearing up for a night to write. I have been so "out of it" lately when it comes to writing and I'm not sure what my deal is, but I was ready tonight. Then... I decided to check facebook and made lunch plans for tomorrow, straightened up my bedroom, poked around on pinterest, caught up on other friend's blogs... and now it's midnight and I just want to go to sleep!

Maybe I wasn't so ready to start writing.
Or maybe I'm avoiding whatever it is I should be writing about.
Or maybe my fingers just didn't feel like typing. (I mean, let's not overthink this. ha!)

Even still, I want to post something before I go to sleep... so I will write!

This is what my bedside table currently looks like. I just think it is very "me" -
reading multiple books, journal, Bible, tea... I love it. :)

I think I feel overwhelmed with the amount of things I want to do/learn/grow in/talk about/process/understand. [How do you even prioritize such things?] I think I feel so overwhelmed with these things that I'm ignoring the fact that I feel overwhelmed. This is quite the dilemma.

I'm looking forward to going to church tomorrow morning a lot. I haven't been to church since a Christmas Eve service in Portland two weeks ago, and I haven't been to MY church (The Pursuit) since the Sunday before that. It's been FAR too long!

My dear friend, Brianna, is coming to visit tomorrow... she is staying until Thursday and then we're flying out to California together for our friend, Nicole's, wedding. I am so excited for this trip and time with sweet friends!

Classes and a more full work schedule start the week after I get back. The part of me that loves "routine" is looking forward to it and the part of me that loves to sleep in is not.

Lately, change = fear. Intense fear. Fear is paralyzing. But perfect love casts out all fear. (1 John 4:18) Fear cannot exist where love does. So what happens when I am fearful? I do not allow myself to experience God's love the way He intends it. The one who fears is not made perfect in love. Wow.

2012 Resolution

I don't generally pay too much attention to the hype of new year's resolutions. I am pretty open to making necessary changes in my life at any point in the year... I don't have to wait until January 1 to be proactive. Not that new year's resolutions are BAD, by any means. Over the past few days, though, I did think of one big thing that I want to focus on this year: Health - physical, spiritual, emotional, mental. Everything. I want to learn how to maintain a balanced lifestyle and sleep well (quality & quantity), eat well, and get plenty of exercise. (Just trying those things only has been overwhelming the past couple months!) I also want to focus on healthy relationships and healthy mindsets - filling my mind with truth, seeking first the Kingdom of God... so really, this resolution is all about priorities. First things first. Balance. My experience lately has been that I focus too much on one or two areas, that every other area suffers. (i.e. focus on eating/sleeping/exercising, but then I struggle with doing well in school and having consistent quiet times.) It has GOT to be possible to be balanced in all of those areas at the same time, right?! I know that I work well on a schedule, so time management is probably the first tool I should apply.

Please let me know if you have any suggestions... I'd be happy to hear them!

A Blur of Christmas and 2012's Grand Entrance.....

Happy new year! Can you believe that it's already 2012?! The beginning of a new year comes with much anticipation, excitement, and quite a few unknowns. I look forward to making progress in my bachelor's degree in communication/English, nannying for the most amazing family, traveling as much as my bank account will allow, hopefully finding a nice place to live downtown with a dear friend, and so much more. I'm starting the year off right by heading down to sunny California next week for Nicole's wedding - an old roommate from teen mania. This is my first time as a bridesmaid and I am SO excited!


Trips to California and the inevitability of school approaching aside, I can't help but wonder what God is going to do in my life this year. I keep coming back to the idea of PURPOSE. What IS my purpose this year? I am definitely a planner and detail-oriented person... The downside to that is that I feel the need to know everything before it happens. Unfortunately, that is definitely not how life works, especially as a follower of Christ. When I chose to follow Jesus I gave up my right to run my own life. I surrendered every single little part of me to Him. Even still, every now and then I get myself back in this place where I feel the need to plan it all out and take back control of my life.


I skyped with one of my mentors from Texas, Sarah Beth, today and she updated me on life in the office of Acquire the Fire Operations - the place I worked for three years at Teen Mania. My last year there, I spent a lot of time questioning my purpose for being there. I didn't feel like I was doing anything productive at all. She explained to me, a year and a half later, that she sees a clear difference in the atmosphere and comaraderie throughout the office. That means that I was doing something important when I was there, far more important than I even knew.


That realization hit me and made me think that sometimes you don't know the purpose of a season of life until after it has come and gone. Sometimes you don't know the purpose for a long time. I believe that God has purpose in everything He does, so why should I question His plan? Even when I am confused or don't understand, He has complete control and is not caught off guard by any of the curve balls life tends to throw my way.


So... Here's to the beginning of a new year with 365 days of purpose!

Sweet Whispers of Truth

I love the peace that comes from being led by the Spirit. It is so overwhelming! Last night as soon as I set my head on my pillow I heard a "sweet whisper of truth" and it was so amazing to be confident that it was from the Lord because (1) It was very clear and not confusing, and (2) I felt total peace! Conviction is from God and is full of grace; condemnation is from Satan and is full of guilt. I definitely have felt guilt and confusion... those things are NOT of the Lord. The overwhelming peace I felt from the simple prodding of the Spirit on my heart was so clear that there is no way that it is NOT from the Lord.

"For I am the Lord, your God, who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you." Isaiah 41: 13

This image of God taking hold of my hand is so beautiful... God is not distant from us! He wants to guide you and lead you and provide for you. James 4:8 says, "Come near to God and He will come near to you..." When I take my own prideful desire to control out of the equation, it is easy to see how God clearly leads me by His truth and peace.

...Funny how this has been similar in my relationship with Jake: I spent several months trying to be in control and freaking out when I lost it or didn't know what to do (which was often). There was confusion and discord and apprehension because that is not how God intended relationships to work - with Him OR each other. The past two and a half months, as I stepped into this relationship with Jake knowing that I have to be okay with not having all the answers and stop striving. Just be. In letting go of my desire to control, I've seen Jake step up to lead in ways that I never saw before... because I never let him. He is patient, gracious, kind, wise, gentle and knows when to speak truth.

My pride hindered his ability to lead.
Wow.

God created us to be humble in relationships. Jesus, teach me to be more like You.