Sweet Whispers of Truth

I love the peace that comes from being led by the Spirit. It is so overwhelming! Last night as soon as I set my head on my pillow I heard a "sweet whisper of truth" and it was so amazing to be confident that it was from the Lord because (1) It was very clear and not confusing, and (2) I felt total peace! Conviction is from God and is full of grace; condemnation is from Satan and is full of guilt. I definitely have felt guilt and confusion... those things are NOT of the Lord. The overwhelming peace I felt from the simple prodding of the Spirit on my heart was so clear that there is no way that it is NOT from the Lord.

"For I am the Lord, your God, who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you." Isaiah 41: 13

This image of God taking hold of my hand is so beautiful... God is not distant from us! He wants to guide you and lead you and provide for you. James 4:8 says, "Come near to God and He will come near to you..." When I take my own prideful desire to control out of the equation, it is easy to see how God clearly leads me by His truth and peace.

...Funny how this has been similar in my relationship with Jake: I spent several months trying to be in control and freaking out when I lost it or didn't know what to do (which was often). There was confusion and discord and apprehension because that is not how God intended relationships to work - with Him OR each other. The past two and a half months, as I stepped into this relationship with Jake knowing that I have to be okay with not having all the answers and stop striving. Just be. In letting go of my desire to control, I've seen Jake step up to lead in ways that I never saw before... because I never let him. He is patient, gracious, kind, wise, gentle and knows when to speak truth.

My pride hindered his ability to lead.
Wow.

God created us to be humble in relationships. Jesus, teach me to be more like You.

Drum Roll, Please!

My former house-mate and fellow blogger, Stephanie at "Expecting the Unexpected" - a sweet, new mama of a beautiful 8 week old boy - nominated me for the Liebster Blog Award ... So Cool!!! In case you are a little lost, like I was, the word "liebster" is german for "beloved, dear, dearest, and love." How sweet! :)This is the FIRST ever blog award for Jubilee, and it came at the most convenient time, too. I log onto blogspot often, and usually start writing a paragraph or two, but only sometimes do I end up actually posting what I've written. Maybe I've been focusing on school (yay for the end of the semester!) or maybe I've been too overwhelmed with my own thoughts to even understand what I'm learning and then write it out... maybe I've been lazy, or maybe it's just your typical writer's block. Whatever it is, I know that I love writing and I'm so passionate about becoming a woman of influence (Just started reading that book by Carol Kent, Becoming a Woman of Influence -- [Click HERE to check out the book on amazon!]) AND helping other women become confident, patient, trusting, free from the bondage of fear and full of peace. For that reason, I will continue to write.


All of that being said, I'm so grateful to my friend, Stephanie, who nominated me for this award and I hope that it will be the encouragement I need to buckle down and write! :-)

So here are the rules:

1. Thank the giver and link back to the blogger who gave it to you
2. Reveal your top 5 blog picks for this award and let them know by leaving a comment on their blog
3. Copy and paste the award on your blog
4. Have faith that your followers will spread the love to other bloggers

I'm breaking the rules and only picking 4. :) It's technically my blog, so I can bend them if needed...right?


I am nominating:
Kyle Power - My Brother - Fully Surrendered
Ria Thurston - Beautiful Mama-to-be! - Life as a Wife
Lisa Hasz - I've learned SO much from this amazing mom!!! - Adventures of Hank, JoJo & Boo
Jessica Kim - Lovely WIFE-to-be! - Returning

*Thank you all for writing!* Friends, be sure to check out this wonderful blogs!!

- Steph: I titled this blog before I realized that's how you started out your post. Great minds think alike! ;-)

--------------------------------------------------------
On another note - Christmas break is finally here! I am so grateful for a reprieve from the craziness of my typically too full schedule. (I do that to myself far too often.) Although, when breaks like this DO come around, I have to keep myself from becoming restless and remember that it's OKAY to sleep in and watch movies and relax a little. The restlessness just ensures that I don't become lazy for TOO long. It's okay every once in a while... but it will be short-lived. In a week from now I'll be getting ready to fly to Portland for Christmas. Let me tell you, my ten day "vacation" in Portland will be anything BUT restful. That's okay, though - I don't go there to rest, that's for sure! I go there to visit family and friends and have fun downtown, at Mt. Hood, or at the beach. Hopefully I can squeeze in two out of three of those destinations on this fairly long trip home... and I get to spend a couple days in Eugene to see my sister, brother-in-law, nephews and aunt! I guess it's a good thing I have a few days to rest up before my trip. :) I decided to make a few Christmas presents this year... wasn't too impressed with my crafty-inspiration today... hopefully tomorrow will prove to be full of more creativity. :)

Priorities - They happen whether you plan it or not!

On my first night attending Fuel - a Campus Crusade weekly meeting @ BSU - Billie spoke on priorities and how we spend our time. I left with this nugget: the things that I choose to spend my time, energy, and money on are the things that are most important to me. It's interesting to me that it doesn't matter how much I say something is the most important or simply decide that something is my highest priority. I can say, "I love you" from dawn til dusk, but if I don't back up that phrase with quality time and meaningful actions, the words mean nothing.

Sometimes I feel like something should be most important to me, like SCHOOL, for example. Culturally, it is engrained in me that I need to finish my degree as soon as possible (to be successful) and get straight A's (to be successful) and spend countless hours studying (to be successful). Even though I know I operate out of this mindset far too often, I have SO much to say against it!

(1) What is success really?! Do I want to be deemed a "successful, confident woman" by the world's standards of competition, greed, and power or by the standards of a godly woman? One who possesses wisdom, grace, and dignity?
(2) "Success" - no matter how you define it - is NOT where my identity is found, so I need to stop searching for it there!
(3) School is not my number one priority... so I need to stop acting like it is. Yes, I want to do well and be a good steward of the money that the Lord has provided for me to even be ABLE to take classes this semester. But at the same time, I need to recognize that it really is okay that school isn't my number one priority. I don't have to try to hold up this image that it IS (attempting to spend my time that way) when it really is NOT (my time generally does not reflect that) because that will just lead to guilt... feeling like I failed in some way. But I really didn't FAIL anything, because school isn't my priority! I don't know if that makes any sense, but the devil sure is tricky in how he created this false ideal for me to live up to when I don't even really want to! wow. I would much rather spend my time reading (learning & growing), writing, focusing on college ministry, building relationships. THESE are the things that I was created to do and I don't want the silly struggle to appear successful to get in the way of that.

Clearly, I need to get my time, energy and money on the same page as my true priorities. The dictionary defines priorities as:  "something given or meriting attention before competing alternatives." What is given or merits attention before competing alternatives in your own life? Is that the thing that you really want to hold the number one spot?

Good Coffee & a Great Convo.

I get SO excited about sharing life with people.
Being REAL - honest, genuine, caring, accountable.
I love, love, love relationships that truly lead me back to the Lord and remind me to walk humbly, in purity, and continue to trust Him in ALL circumstances.
This morning I met up with a dear friend, Grace, at one of my favorite coffeeshops. We sipped our coffees and just talked about life - where the Lord is taking us, struggles, victories, etc. She is such a beautiful woman of God! I left feeling tremendously encouraged and refreshed.
THIS is why God created community and desires that we live life TOGETHER.
It's not always easy... relationships can be confusing, consuming, and frustrating. When we learn how to work together, appreciate differences, communicate effectively and care deeply for one another... that changes everything. It's about being intentional.

Coffee is good... but sweet conversations like this with friends are GREAT.

Rewind that and Switch it!

Going into a week feeling unprepared (aka - my homework isn't done) makes me feel sick to my stomach everytime. I hate that feeling! Last night when I was with Jake I made a harsh comment about how I wish this week were over and it hasn't even started yet... ONLY because I would rather not push myself to get homework done, or deal with the consequences when it's not done up to par, or done at all. :-/ I realized very quickly how that statement sounded (selfish, prideful, ungrateful, etc) and said, "Wait. I don't want to be like that and wish days away..." This week will be great and I have so much to be thankful for - I just need to make a little attitude adjustment. Each day contains joys and struggles, both of which are blessings.

I love seeing my thought processes laid out like that, but it's even cooler that I said it all out loud so Jake could hear it, too. After I tried to take back what I originally said and replace it with truth, I kind of laughed and said, "Well, you just witnessed me processing my thoughts in action!" I'm so glad that it didn't take long for truth to chase out the lies. It is so COMMON for people to wish for "tomorrow" - whatever tomorrow may hold, but I want to be content in the here and now and recognize the Lord's hand in each area of my life, whether it seems pleasant at the time or not. This week is surely not purposeless and I do not want to miss the many opportunities I will have to choose joy and share the love of Christ!

The Value of TALKING

I just LOVE healthy communication! Mostly, because it generally leads to healthy relationships, which I am also passionate about. Being in a fairly new relationship (when do I stop calling it "new"?), I am learning everyday about healthy communication and how that affects us.

My natural tendency when things get hard is to put up walls, run away, stop talking completely... basically, I just shut down. Those are all the opposite of healthy communication, in case there was any question in any of your hearts. :) Clearly, I have a LOT to learn and grow in!

I love seeing the value of talking things out when I hear truth gently weaved in throughout the conversation and my heart is quickly directed back to Jesus. I could have easily just kept my mouth shut and continued down that spiral of fear and bitterness... just opening my mouth opens up my heart to hear truth and receive grace.

Sometimes it feels silly to talk about things or say what I'm thinking out loud, but if I don't say it... then he won't know it! I heard a really great sermon series by Craig Groeschel, Pastor of Life Church, called "The Vow." (highly recommend checking out this series: http://www.lifechurch.tv -- Click there and I believe you can watch all 4 parts.) One of the things I remember most is this: "If you think something good, say it." I've been trying to be intentional about doing that. When I like or appreciate something that Jake says or does, I want him to know it. I've seen how just this basic communication has opened our eyes. It is SO cool to me how God designed us to be in relationship with each other so purposefully!

The value of talking means that I recognize that it is crucial that I open up and respond rather than shutting down or withdrawing or ignoring it. I want to keep growing in healthy communication and not RUN from it!

Ready... BREAK!

That is how "breaks" from school usually start... here comes Thanksgiving break and it's generally full of traveling, catching up on school work, visiting 563 friends and family members (it seems like that many!), eating a lot more than I should, probably a little shopping and movie viewing, and not much sleep. Not the kind of "BREAK" that I need. Especially going home to Portland, I never have a moment to BREATHE, nevermind blog or enjoy a little R&R. THIS break, though, began wonderfully.

I went with Jake this weekend to visit his parents and it was more relaxing and wonderful than I could have even imagined! His mom is a great cook, so we ate REALLY well. I learned how to make stuffed shells! They celebrated my birthday with me w/ an ice cream cake (including the candles and singing), gifts, chocolate and EVEN a nice little walk in the snow with the dogs. I love that it snowed! Saturday night we met an old friend of Jake's at Applebee's and I had an awesome time talking with his friend's wife - I just LOVE meeting people who I connect so well with because of our passion and love for God! I had such a great time. I am so very grateful for my little get-a-way to prepare for the next week...

Tomorrow is homework day + skype w/ Kelsey + Christmas tree lighting downtown!

Tuesday I fly to Portland to start the hectic part of vacation as I visit family, meet my brother's new girlfriend, see some old friends, endure the RAIN... then it'll be time to head back to Boise. :) SO looking forward to spending time with my family and enjoying some fun family traditions -- popcorn tins, puppy chow, thanksgiving food, movies. It will be great!

After Thanksgiving break there are only THREE weeks left until christmas break! I think the month of December will be a little bit of a reprieve. This semester has been pretty insane... mostly hard - in both good and bad ways. I am so grateful for how I've grown and how the Lord has been working in my life... but I have so much more growing to do! There are some lessons that I just can't seem to "get." I need to remember to allow myself time to "get it." Life is just a series of processes... which, in the big picture, is just the process of becoming refined - more and more like Jesus. So even when I don't see the outcome, I can rejoice because I am confident that God will not give up on me. He's just working on my heart everyday.

This is just a quick update - I know I've been HORRIBLE at blogging consistently. I need to get my thoughts organized and start over again. I know that going into the holidays is not going to help with consistency, but I'll try. :)

Wishful Thinking.

I'm sitting on campus right now with one hour until my next class; grateful for the break.

Really, I'm dreaming about Christmas break (or post-graduation life?! That will be awesome, too.) when I don't have to think about classes or papers or tests and can enjoy the peacefulness of a cozy coffeeshop with a good book or something important to write about. (Ok, so that will probably not define my life after graduation... unless I win the lottery to pay my bills. But maybe on the weekends!) School has just been so easily overwhelming this semester. I hope that tendency ends with the close of finals in just four short weeks. I hope that next semester I do what I can do and just let that be enough, for once in my life.

I've been [at times unsuccessfully] attempting to live healthier (more sleep, exercise, food, water = less stress) and step out of roles/responsibilities that I don't NEED to be in currently. It's really hard! Priorities... balance... it just gets muddled up sometimes.

I guess this is just me wishing again for a "simplified" life. But you know what? Life isn't simple. It's not ever going to be. As much as I try to gain control of my health, emotions, schedule, future, grades, etc, etc forever... there will ALWAYS be something. Yes, I'm choosing to rest right now, but there are a hundred other things that I probably SHOULD be doing or thinking about or preparing for. But that's lame. (eloquent, I know.) I never want to be so consumed by the hundred things that I probably should be doing that I forget to enjoy the things I love to do or the people I love to be with. You have my permission to hold me accountable to that standard, though, because it is a constant battle. What is it that I will choose to give priority in my life today? I feel like only recently (the past couple of years) have I really began to learn who I am: the things that truly bring me joy, make me feel alive, refreshed, excited, energized, curious, appreciative. Those are the things that I want to spend my time on. So what IS this simple life I've been pursuing? And what is up with my desire to label everything?

So life isn't SIMPLE... what IS it? Maybe a more accurate statement is that life isn't EASY, but it can be simple if I choose to trust and obey the Lord as my number ONE... then everything else just falls into place. Ah, yes. I'm pretty sure I overcomplicate about 97% of my life.
----------------------------------

Also - I've discovered pinterest. I want to get some fun Christmas gift/decor ideas. I don't even really understand the website yet. There is just so much to look at!

3 days until Thanksgiving break. Praise the Lord!!!

Birthday Celebrations!!!

I love birthdays... and holidays... and ANY reason to celebrate!!!
I so appreciate all of the sweet birthday wishes yesterday when I celebrated turning 23 years old!

This morning when I got to work, as soon as I walked in the door Channing sang "Happy Birthday" and I opened a HUGE birthday present: 2 movies - "Persuasion" and "Emma" (Kerinda knows me SO well - huge fan of Jane Austen!), a box of my favorite popcorn (Popsecret Homestyle), a box of Apple Cider, and a huge, purple, soft blanket! Too bad I have to wait to use them - I could REALLY go for a movie day right now.

My mom and grandparents sent me some new clothes and a fun cake pan and Jamie made me a super cute magnetic/dry erase board to hang in my room! I had a few friends over last night to eat pie and ice cream, too. It was a very calm, low-key day... these kind of days are very much welcomed in my life!

I'm excited to celebrate my birthday this weekend at Jake's parent's house a couple hours away from here. :)

Unfortunately, the Broncos lost this weekend and it didn't snow on my birthday... but that's okay.

Birthdays are a good time to take a look at the last year (WOW.) and the year to come (Oh dear.) and think about who I have been, who I want to be, and all the things that God has done in me. I think some intense journaling is in order at some point in the near future. I don't like to just endure life to "get through" - I want to be intentional about growing and not growing stagnant or complacent. I don't want to be today who I was a year ago, because I am hopefully maturing and growing. I do believe that God will carry on to completion the work He began in me; His mercies are new everyday and He continues to transform me by the renewing of my mind, but do I CLAIM that new identity? Just something to think about. Do I really live as though I am being made new?

A Healthy Perspective

I know that I write on this subject often... there are probably a lot of repeat posts through the history of this quaint blog. But these are the things that the Lord puts most on my heart; the ways that He trains me to be more humble, peaceful, patient, kind, honorable & loving.

Today is a day that I know I need to be very proactive in taking my thoughts captive and making them obedient to Christ. Today is full, full, full with school... and I don't feel prepared. I hate not feeling prepared. [It's a control thing.] I wish that my papers were longer and more eloquent. I wish I had practiced for my presentations. I wish I studied more (ok, at all) for my philosophy test. I wish I went to bed two hours earlier than I did last night. It's so easy to just get caught up in all the "I wish..." thoughts, right? How unfortunate that we are bombarded with the message that "if only you had this or that or the other thing, THEN you will be successful/beautiful/accepted." I wish I could say those things don't matter to me. Reality is, it's a constant battle. [But a battle SO worth fighting!]

A healthy perspective is a godly perspective. I want to see the world and other people and myself the way that God does. I want my heart to be concerned about the things that concern Him. I want my thoughts to dwell on the things that matter most to Him. I want my actions and my attitudes to reflect those of Christ.

I read this blog this morning: "A Holy Experience" [go ahead and click on the link to read it. if you need a shift in perspective, it is just the thing to read!] I cried because my heart breaks for this precious family. I cried, also, because I'm convicted for the things that consume me and cause anxiety. My dear friend, Rhoni, has said this many times before - and my core advisor at Teen Mania and I talked about it a lot, too - "In light of eternity, what does this really matter?" There are some things that really DO matter in light of eternity, and those are the things I'd like to direct my attentions to! There are so many things, though, that I focus on that make zero difference in the Kingdom of God. I pray that this changes... I know that it is.

So today, as I go through this incredibly FULL and BUSY and potentially STRESSFUL day, I will continue to ask myself the question: "What does this really matter in light of eternity?"

Give me your perspective, Lord.

Trust. [and that's all]

I don't know about you, but sometimes (ok, ok... most times) I just want answers. I just want a formula or a set of instructions or a road map or even a compass pointing me in the right direction... just SOMETHING that will hint at what it is I'm supposed to do. Not just with the rest of my life, but with today. (And next month and next year, and, yeah, the rest of my life, too.)
Sunday was the first time in the five and a half weeks that Jake and I have been in a relationship that I wanted to ask again: "Sooo... what does that look like?" I knew that that's what I wanted to hear, so I tried to reword the question, in hopes of getting the same answer. It didn't work. Jake's a smart guy and he told me that was cheating! ;-) He knows that I want a formula or road map, but he also knows that that's just not how relationships work. He reminded me that we will both continue to seek the Lord and be led by His Spirit. That is how we know if we are on track. It is encouraging to hear from him how he fervently seeks God on my behalf and prays for our relationship and specific conversations that we have. It's about trusting the Lord and each other. Period.

Trust means that I don't need to have all the answers; I don't need to have it all figured out. In reality, I can't have it all figured out! But I am really okay with that. What a lesson in depending on God! (and how awesome that in my relationship w/ Jake I am learning to depend on God?! I'm pretty sure that is what relationships are supposed to look like.) The "[and that's all]" portion of the title of this post indicates that it truly is not about me OR Jake trying to "make it work." It's just about both of us seeking the Lord for wisdom and trusting Him every step of the way. God is faithful to provide for and lead His children. He does not desire for us to wander aimlessly; His plans are GOOD... more than anything we could ask or imagine. 

That being said, WHY would I ever even think about creating my own plans?!  

Worth Fighting For

There are plenty of things in life that seem to be important, but pale in comparison to what is REALLY worth fighting for...

When I got in a car accident (both times) I was told "It's just a car. It doesn't matter."

When I stress out over writing a paper or taking a test my mom always tells me (and just did 2 minutes ago on the phone) "you just need to do my best and not worry about the rest. That's all you can do."

Sometimes my room looks like a tornado just passed through.

Sometimes I overcook dinner or my banana bread turns out funny.

Sometimes I oversleep or say the wrong thing or have a bad attitude.... all in the same day.

... Yes, these things seem MASSIVELY detrimental at the time. But they don't last. I will do my best in school, but it's not always worth fighting for perfect grades. I like to be organized and keep my room clean, but I'm not going to lose sleep over it. They don't really matter.  

So what REALLY is worth fighting for?

People.
Relationships.
Justice.
Freedom.
Truth.
LOVE.

Why is it that we so often put more energy into fighting for a clean house or more money or perfect grades than into justice and relationships and truth? The first three can be used to project a "better" image of ME - i.e. selfishness. The last three require vulnerability and risk and strength outside of ourselves. That is when it no longer is about me. Now it's about the other person, whether that is working to free a child immersed in the hellish world of sex trafficking (Check out a heart wrenching article on sex trafficking in Portland, OR -- http://www.washingtontimes.com/), showing genuine love in a relationship, or abandoning all to seek the heart of God and surrender to His will. Why are the most fulfilling and significant parts of our lives the things that we tend to shy away from and dismiss?

I never want to run away from the things that I should be devoting my life to FIGHT for. Lord, forgive me for the times that I fight for the things that don't really matter. 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1NoIJglsGms <-- I'm sure I've posted this song before, but you should listen to it again and read the lyrics. "Love is not a Fight" by Warren Barfield. One of my ultimate favorites. 

Ministry vs. Ministering

As I have been working on simplifying my life to be more healthy & effective, I was reminded of the difference between being IN ministry and ministering to the people around me. I love being in ministry and seeing God work... but you don't have to be IN ministry for God to work in and through you.

For example, I am a nanny for two wonderful kids who have been blessed with godly parents. I spend almost 30 hours a week with these kids; what am I doing to reinforce biblical values in them and teach them about God's love? I have an opportunity to influence their lives! I live with a two year old boy (the most hilarious, sweet and precious two year old ever!) ... what is my role in his life? Do I help train him in the way he should go?

Also, I am a full time college student and I spend a lot of time on campus and surrounding coffee shops. Do I view that time as just something to "get through" and move on or do I view every interaction as an opportunity to share the love of Jesus and build relationships? I cross paths with hundreds of people on campus... what am I going to do with that? Being in college is like being a missionary - it's a whole different culture with so many lost people.

I'm a daughter, sister, niece, cousin, granddaughter, aunt... when was the last time I even prayed for my family? What about a phone call or email? I was placed in this family for a reason.

Ministry is not about leadership positions. It's not about being in the front or out in the open. It's not about what kind of job you have. You are not a "better" Christian if you have the title of Pastor or Minister or Bible Study Leader. God called us to KNOW Him and make Him KNOWN... and that has nothing to do with your job, it has to do with how you live your life and choose to take advantage of every opporunity and relationship. You do not only serve the Lord when you volunteer at church or lead a small group... we have the chance to serve the Lord in how we live life every single day. In the seemingly mundane, there are countless opportunities to reflect the love of God.

Homework MACHINE

--> That is what I need to be in the next few days! Once I get this 10 pg comm paper done, I'll be finished with the class for the semester! [It'll help once I actually start it... eek!] Speaking of the end of the semester, only FIVE, short weeks until Christmas break. Crazy! Five weeks that will contain turning 23 years old, spending 5 days in Portland with my wonderful family for Thanksgiving, working, homework, classes, more homework, probably a lot of blogging/journaling, maybe the start of ski season?, maybe some snow? ... It's gonna be a good time.

I can't believe how fast time is flying by!

Change of Heart....

Probably at any other time in my life I would have told you have summer is my favorite season. I do like things about summer: hiking, camping, pretty much anything that has to do with being outside... but I think I've had a change of heart recently. Probably since moving back to the Pacific Northwest. It'll do that to ya. You think you know who you are... then you move back "home." I love Winter. I love holidays and snow and boots and scarves and the amazingly beautiful red/orange/yellow trees and the crisp, cool air and fireplaces and hot drinks and ice skating. I just love it.

Another change of heart is in the realm of priorities. I wrote in my journal today that a struggle I foresee for the next 12 hours is the temptation to feel guilty for not being more on top of my classes and getting more homework done in the past few days and feeling behind. Yes, that's a problem, but I already know that school is not my number one priority and I do not want it to be. So there's no sense in trying to make it that! Romans 8:1 says that "there is now NO condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus." Conviction is from the Lord, but condemnation is from the Enemy. I will not live in light of where Satan leads. I will choose to walk in the freedom that has already been given to me in Christ! Regardless of my grades or status in school or supposed success or even if I turn everything in on time, it will be okay. All of that does not attribute to my identity unless I let it.

I'm so thankful for grace, joy & peace that comes only from the Lord. I can not muster up any of these things to somehow make my life more fulfilling. My life is fulfilling because Jesus provides everything I need and HE is my strength when I am weak.

Live Simply?

What does it mean to live simply... but not be lazy, waste time, or never challenge yourself?

I guess that depends on my idea of what it means to "live simply." I'd say... or rather, the dictionary says... simple: uncomplicated, modest, not ornate or luxurious, not elaborate or artificial. Those are all things that I want to describe my life. [Can life really be uncomplicated?! Yes, that's what I want!] Is it possible to live simply? Maybe not all of the time, but is it possible for "simple" to be characteristic of how you live in general? SHOULD it be?

I think I'm being faced with that ambiguous and wordy question. If you read this blog fairly regularly, then that question makes perfect sense right about now! The first half of the semester was FULL. That's saying a lot coming from me because I generally LIKE "full" - but this kind of full, for whatever reason, turned out to be a little more harsh than I'm used to. I had to cut back. But, surprisingly, even after I cut back in my schedule/responsibilities, I still felt overwhelmed and exhausted and lethargic and emotional. Finding no clear reason why I felt this way, I went to the doctor. This is also saying a lot coming from me because I RARELY go to the doctor! I just felt like something was "off" - some kind of vitamin deficiency, like anemia, or maybe something with my thyroid. Well, it turned out to be nothing. The results came back normal, which is what I was afraid of. I knew that if they came back normal, that would mean this is how I am naturally dealing with stress (which is not okay) and I would feel like a crazy-person! I know that I'm not a crazy-person, but clearly SOMETHING needs to change. I'm keeping a journal to record how much I eat, sleep, exercise and drink water. That way I can ensure that I'm following through with all of the "basics."

Even after all that, though, there still is the question of what more do I need to stop doing? I want to be healthy and take care of myself, but I still feel like I don't have enough time to do so. I am focusing on so many different things right now that I don't feel like I'm doing WELL in any of them. I need to choose what are my TOP priorities - only a few, not 10 - and focus on those.

I'm used to being heavily involved in pretty much everything. Ever since middle school I have always been very busy. Up until now, I would tell you that I thrived off of having a full schedule. Now, all I want is to rest.

Robbie - my old youth pastor - told me yesterday to do what I love and say no to everything else. It is OKAY to not be involved in 25 extra things... and work 27 hrs/week... and go to school full time. I don't know why I feel the need to fill up my life with so much!

How does GOD want me to spend my time right now? This is a significant question, because it's easy to get wrapped up in how I think everyone ELSE thinks I should spend my time. I don't live to please other people. (at least, I'm not supposed to...)

WELL. Those are my mixed up thoughts. I'd love some feedback. :)
Mostly, I'd just love some prayer. I want to be who God wants me to be and that may look different than the image of "success" that I create on my own.

[Thankful Thoughts]

This morning I'm thinking about thankfulness and I'm thinking about my thoughts.... and how thankfulness positively affects my thoughts, which positively affects my attitude and actions. It's so simple really. (coming from someone who overcomplicates most of my life!)

What are you thankful for today?

Today I am thankful for TRUTH.
I'm reminded of Global Expedition's declaration of a world changer:
{this is what I desire for my life!} 


Today, I will live honorably through my thoughts, actions, and speech. I choose to be full of faith; I will not only be a hearer but a doer of the Word of God. I will serve before I demand, I will love and not hate, and I will give before I take. Today, I choose to make a difference in this world and to be a part of something bigger than myself. I choose to dedicate my life to prayer and ask God for His miraculous power and the courage to do the impossible. I will make Godly relationships a priority in my life as I esteem others higher than myself. Today, I will live my life in such a way that I will Change the World.

I know that God is in control and He holds my life in His hands... so I can place my trust FULLY in Him.
His love for me will never fail; it is not based on my merit or belief or demeanor.
The JOY of the Lord is my strength, regardless of my circumstances.
 
"For though we live in the world, we do not wage war as the world does. The weapons we fight with are not the weapons of the world. On the contrary, they have divine power to demolish strongholds. We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ."
- 2 Corinthians 10:3-5
 
I'm thankful for the beautiful fall weather and the changing colors of the trees. I'm thankful for a wonderfully supportive and encouraging community of friends and family. I'm thankful for two awesome days in a row watching Channing and Gannon - I'm inspired by Channing's faith. I'm thankful for a moment of peace. I'm thankful for wisdom. I'm thankful for who God made me and who He IS making me into. I'm thankful that even when lies creep into my mind, I can stand on the Truth. I'm thankful that it will be Thanksgiving in four weeks - and I'll be spending the holiday at HOME with my family for the first time in 5 years!

So Much to Say!

Well... I think I'll write another list, because I have so much to say today!

1. Yesterday was extremely relaxing and JUST what I needed! It consisted of morning Bible Study with some wonderful friends, soup + BSU football game at Jake's house, went to the ski shop to buy his new ski boots, carved pumpkins [see photo below], cooked dinner together - delicious pasta w/ italian sausage, a LOT of peppers and ragu sauce, talked on his front porch, went home and spent time w/ Robbie, Jamie & Josiah - they just got back from vacation, then went to bed on time.


Mine is on the left and Jake's is on the right... he named his Larry. I think mine looks like it's laughing! :)

2. I loved yesterday because it was random and spontaneous and restful. I realized on Friday that I'm getting frustrated with my tendency/need to fill up every single moment of every single day with something that I have to do. It makes me tired. There are times when I really enjoy being busy and having a full day... but it must not be right now. I want relationships to be a priority, but I don't want them to be a chore. I don't want to feel guilty for taking the time to take care of myself - eating healthy meals (generally takes longer than microwaved food/fast food/not eating at all), exercising, going to bed on time. I want to have down time where I can just relax at home and watch a movie or go for a walk in the park or actually sit down and WRITE something. (I bought a website domain in August with the intention of writing devotionals... and I haven't done ANYthing with it.)

3. I just bought a plane ticket for my dear friend, Nicole's, wedding in January! So excited! I'm kind of an a roll with plane tickets... one a week for the past three weeks! I love traveling and visiting family and friends. :)

4. Halloween is next weekend... this is usually not a monumental holiday for me. I'm not against Halloween as far as fun parties, dressing up, and trick-or-treating. I'm just not real big on party games/dancing, wearing crazy costumes, or even candy. I'm more of a CHRISTMAS kind of person. :) Well, CRU is having a big Halloween party next weekend and you can't be the one who DOESN'T dress up because then you'll definitely stand out. One of the differences between Jake and me is that I will dress up in a subtle costume, with no hope of winning the costume contest, but he would wear some big-crazy-definitely-gonna-stand-out kind of costume. :) I told him yesterday that we have different perspectives of what "awesome" means as far as what we should dress up as... haha. It's okay, I think we'll work through these differences. ;-)

If you have any easy duo costume ideas - let me know!

5. We're supposed to have our first big freeze this week! There's a 'special weather statement' and everything. Little known fact about me: I am fascinated by weather. I'm pretty excited for the cold weather to settle in. Winter is coming! :) 

6. Perfectionism = legalism. There is no freedom there. I'm learning to fully surrender every notion of who I think I am supposed to be and truly live in the grace of God and walk in FREEDOM. I am doing my best and that's all I can do. My identity is found in Jesus and NOT my success in school or what people think of me. Those things don't matter.

Praying for an eternal perspective and confidence to be bold!

Excited!

This week has been UP and DOWN (emotionally) a lot... which isn't totally normal for me, but this definitely has been a different kind of season in life anyways. So I guess I shouldn't try to predict what's going to happen next. :)

I titled this post "Excited!" because even though life is just weird and a little over my head in a lot of ways (ok, definitely a LOT over my head)... I am so completely excited about what God is doing in my heart! Yes, refinement is uncomfortable and maybe even painful at times. But that's all a part of the process. And the process is beautiful. I know that God has awesome, amazing, incredible plans for my life... things that are beyond all I could ask or imagine. I've just been getting EXCITED about those plans this week! I love the ways that He reminds me of His love... His affection for me that fills every empty space and mends every broken piece. He is healing and restoring me every single day as I take steps of boldness and obedience!

I think it's fairly common that insecurities creep up in "new" seasons of life. Sometimes they're things that you think you already know or have overcome in a different season, but now you have to face them in this new place you're in. Well, I'm definitely in a new place and definitely facing insecurities that I either thought I had already conquered or I didn't even know I had. It's a weird, vulnerable place to be... in being honest with yourself and other people.

{I just pray that TRUTH would reign, Lord.}

That Thing That Makes You Come ALIVE

Monday, as I posted, was kind of a blah day. I haven't been feeling well for several days now (mostly just groggy, lethargic, unable to focus and super tired - probably allergies??) and I was feeling overwhelmed with the amount of homework I needed to get done.

My first major blessing of the day was that Jake brought me some allergy medicine and a hazelnut latte! What a great guy! :) It was at least 20 minutes out of his way and I didn't want him to feel obligated, but it made me feel so valued that he still decided to stop by anyways.

My second major blessing of the day was going to Molly's "d" group (Discussion Group - small groups w/ Campus Crusade). I am so glad that I decided to go because the Lord used it to show me again what passions He has placed in my heart. There were two other girls who came and we studied the Word and talked about life and how you can be SURE that you are saved and got to know each other... I LOVE THAT! When we left I felt so fired up... THIS is what I'm supposed to do. My attitude from the day was completely turned around. The next morning I saw one of the CRU staff meet with three girls in a row as I sat and worked on homework. I want that job!

It's so exciting to SEE + FEEL the direction that you are supposed to go so clearly. Just open your eyes and experience life. Don't get caught up in the cultural stream of "this is where you need to be in order to be successful." That's bogus. Who cares about worldly success anyway? I want to be found faithful in the eyes of the Lord and I believe that He will lead me in that. It's okay if you don't know what you're going to do with your life... just keep seeking and walking in obedience and BELIEVE that God will answer your prayer!

A New Week...

This weekend was GREAT... I couldn't have asked for a better 3 days in a row! It was especially awesome realizing that for so long I was frustrated with having so many BAD days in a row... thank you, Lord, for a nice little change of pace as far as that goes! I don't have enough time to include details of everything from this weekend, but it included: the most successful shopping trip of my life, coffee & Bible Study w/ some lovely friends Saturday morning, my first dinner date w/ Jake at The Macaroni Grill [awesome!!!], pumpkin bread/tea/good conversation with my wonderful friend, Liz, a FULL day at The Pursuit working with the kids, and hosting Jared, Molly & Jake for dinner last night [I made Pasta w/ Pesto and Cream Sauce - delicous!].

BUT... in the midst of all of that goodness, I barely got ANY homework done... which really sets my week off on the wrong foot. Not only that, but this morning was the third morning in a row that I have woken up EXTRA groggy. I don't necessarily feel sick, just so tired! [I really hate when I just feel "off" and don't know why...] Unfortunately, this dumb tiredness is really getting in the way of my efforts to pound through as much school work as possible... because I have not been successful thus far. :(

I think I need to find some balance... and obviously manage my time better. But I don't want to cut quality time with PEOPLE out of my life either.  

Mostly, I just feel lethargic and want SO badly to sit in a coffeeshop all day to read and write about nothing that has to do with any of my classes.

MORE Than Conquerers!

"Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword? As it is written: 'For your sake we face death all day long; we are considered as sheep to be slaughtered.' No in all these things we are MORE than conquerers through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord." Romans 8:35-39

-----------------------------------------------

Doesn't that make you excited?! These verses just now came to mind as I sat down to write... because it makes me EXCITED that God truly works all things together for the good of those who love Him and that no trouble or stress or terrible situation or unthinkable tragedy could EVER separate me from the love of my heavenly Father.  

I think I'm in a new season... well, I guess I know I am. The first six-ish weeks of school were incredibly difficult, yet fruitful. I've had a few extra days off from school + work to play catch up. I dropped a class, which opened up my schedule. I struggled fervently through that specific refining process that I was in (and will continue to be in different ways) and then I saw breakthrough! I saw the lies and the fear and decided to move beyond it - this brought me to a new understanding of what it truly means to trust the Lord. I knew I needed to make some kind of change fast when I realized I was putting so much trust in other people that I would follow them before I even considered seeking the Lord. Ouch! BUT - the Lord is GOOD and GRACIOUS and I am made new!

There is HOPE. For we know that in the midst of those struggles and hardships... that is not the end! We are MORE than conquerers, which means we will come out on the other side of the struggle and hardship by the grace of God. His love never leaves us. No matter how distant you may feel. He is ALWAYS by your side and pulling you through.

Lookin' Back

[Apparently I'm not really into finishing words that end in "ing" today...]

Can I just take a moment to say that GOD IS GOOD!?!

[Thanks.]

It blows me away to look back in both the distant and not-so-distant past and see clearly how God has been shaping me in every situation. His plan far outweighs the seemingly impossible struggle at the time. When you can look at who you are now and see that because of His grace you are different than you were then... yeah, that's a miracle. He is making me BOLD - something that I wrote an insane amount about this summer. I see the reality of this verse: "being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus" (Philippians 1:6). I do believe that what God starts He will finish as we are obedient and choose to surrender.

I don't know about you, but this makes me excited!!! It's kind of fun to "look back" and see growth.... it's probably a sign that I'm on the right track. ;-)

Feelin' Sleepy...

I went to bed on time last night... kind of. I was only a LITTLE late. But the amount of tiredness I have felt so far this morning definitely exceeds what I should feel for only being a little late to bed. It really doesn't help that it is raining outside, which just makes me want to curl up with a soft blanket and a good book and eat soup for lunch. And maybe take a little nap. And watch Pride and Prejudice. Ahh, the perfect day! Instead, my first of four classes starts in 5 minutes, I need to work on two essays and get caught up on reading, and I'm hoping to make it to life group tonight.

Well, I guess I should go get some coffee. Sorry for the lack of insight and wit in this post today. ;-)

Some Much Needed Refreshment -

I am so grateful that God has blessed me with a few refreshing days in a row... that hasn't happened in a LONG time!

- On Friday I got everything done on my list of things to do (That's always refreshing for me!)
- Friday night I enjoyed a nice drive (except for the nausea part) up to McCall with my dear friend, Lindsay
- I had a wonderfully relaxing time at the CRU Fall Retreat, met some new people, heard from a great speaker, absolutely loved being in the mountains, and was so proud of Jake for speaking/sharing his testimony on Saturday night
- Sunday morning I slept in, did laundry & ironing, cleaned, and went to church (I love calm, slow-paced mornings...)
- Besides going to church, I just stayed HOME. What a rare blessing.
- This morning I got coffee with my friend, Kayla, and just enjoyed some good conversation. I love that girl!

I feel ready to take on the week... not because I have everything done that I need to or because I'm looking forward to spending another full day at school tomorrow or figuring out how/when to get my car fixed or buying plane tickets for upcoming trips or any of the other number of things that happen to be on my mind... I feel ready to take on the week because of enjoying a few days of refreshment and being reminded yet again that I do not have to have it all together. Okay, now take a deep breath and say that to yourself. ;-) We do not have to have it all together. Why do we think that we do? It is a complete lack of trust and surrender on my part when I try to figure it all out just to appear to be in control.

"You will keep in perfect peace him whose mind is steadfast, because he trusts in you. Trust in the Lord forever, for the Lord, the Lord, is the Rock eternal." Isaiah 26:3-4

Enjoyment

*Felicia, this one's for you! We've had many conversations in the past year about enjoyment and whenever I see it play out (or NOT play out) in my life, I always think of you.

What does it mean to truly enjoy life?

There are SO many hundreds of things that pull our attention one way or another: family, friends, job, volunteer responsibilities, classes, homework, grades, random expectations (either legitimate or perceived), financial planning/recovery, health, etc, etc, etc. It could be anything. In my experience, which is not extensive by any means, it's when I get wrapped up in all of those things and try to make sure I'm right on track with "where I'm supposed to be" that I stop enjoying life and start to become anxious and legalistic.

[Read: 1 John 4:18 "There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love." Bam.]

So, what does it mean to truly enjoy life? Do what you love. Be yourself. Remember to find peace and joy in the LITTLE things. I love the little things! Sometimes it's a nice reminder to write a list of some "little things" that you enjoy. Then, when you find yourself getting caught up in the mess of those big things that weigh you down, pick one to enjoy.

Some of my little things are... sitting by fireplaces, reading a book for fun, taking a bubble bath, cooking dinner, watching one of my favorite movies with my favorite popcorn and some hot chocolate, going for a walk, looking through old photo albums, getting ice cream with friends, going for a drive, journaling, finding new music that I love, a video chat with a friend who lives far away...

Sometimes you just need to take a step back and look at the big picture. This situation likely does not determine the rest of my life. I'm in it to learn and persevere to build character and become a stronger woman... but God does not want us to wish every day away because it seems unbearable. Yes, life is hard. We all know that. But we can choose to enjoy it. It's NOT wrong to take the time to do what you love!

Today I walked the kids to school in the rain - finally able to get my rainboots, winter coat and scarf out! Love it! - and now I'm back sitting by the fire and drinking coffee. I truly love this! Tonight I get to enjoy good conversation with a friend. What a great day this will be!

How are you enjoying life today?

I think it's a list kind of day!

1. It's rainy and getting a little chilly outside - I love it! Definitely ready for winter to be here. Time to get out sweaters and scarves and carmel apple cider!

2. I am about to head to a class that I am NOT prepared for - I don't love that so much! But really it just makes me smile, because this experience fits nicely along with the exact thing that God has been teaching me. I've always said that I learn through repetition and hearing something over and over again... I guess this is just an example of that. Another reminder that my identity is not found in what I do or how well I do it; God's love is not based on earthly measurements of success/failure; and I need to stop worrying about what other people think! Lord, please PLEASE help me learn this lesson soon!

3. I overslept this morning... and now I just want to take a nap.

4. I don't normally have a "verse of the day," but I thought it would be a good idea for today. This is the truth I'm clinging to: Zephaniah 3:17 "The Lord your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing."

5. Between yesterday and today my blog traffic has SKYROCKETED! I've had over 100 views. I wonder if this has anything to do with the big news I shared...  ;-) 

FB Official

I guess if it's on facebook, that means I can FINALLY talk about it on my blog!

More posts than you know have been extremely vague (at least I meant them to be) in the past several months. Well, since January. Sometimes I have to remind myself that my blog is not my journal and what  ANYONE can see it. So I'd either just save it for my journal or try to be as ambiguous as possible. 

I kind of want to just keep being vague because I don't really know how to start this lovely little story. I'll just try to hit the key points... and hopefully leave out anything that resembles a soap opera. :)

.......................

You may or may not know the whole story; if anything, you probably know bits and pieces. This is the most up-to-date story of where I'm at:

So I'm dating a guy named Jake. :)

We met last January because he came to my college life group... and then we had a class together that semester, which means we spent a LOT of time together. He started pursuing me and was VERY confident and I was VERY excited and VERY much scared out of my mind. A lot happened in the next few months, but I decided in May that it was not going to work out and we could not continue in a relationship. (Whatever that meant - we were dating... and we were exclusive.... but we didn't call it anything. So that's confusing. Yes, I ended our "non" relationship.)

The next 5 months were full of a LOT of different emotions for me. I see SO much purpose in that season it's ridiculous. God truly is sovereign and so, so purposeful in our lives! I needed to step away from the possibility of being in a relationship with a man, so I could be reminded of what it means to be in relationship with God and completely depend on Him. (That's the short story, but I could seriously talk for hours and not cover everything that God has done in me recently.)

So the past several weeks I've been processing through my feelings. (really this has been happening off and on for a long time...) I've talked a lot to my good friend, Molly, who happens to be married to Jake's best friend, which means she brings a very interesting perspective. :) She asks some great questions! After I realized where my heart really is, we discussed the possibility of me having a conversation with Jake to let him know where I'm at. Jared, Molly's husband, gave some great advice: if you've ever seen the movie Dumb and Dumberer, then you probably know the scene where the guys says, "So you're sayin' there's a chance?!" That's really all I wanted to convey - I'm just saying that I'm open to there being a chance. (which is drastically different than the last message I gave him!) I had NO idea how he'd respond, and honestly thought that I was just going to do what I decided to do and would see little to no change. I didn't even know that I was making the "right" decision. I just knew that I had enough reasons TO have the conversation, and I'd worry about the rest later.

Well, we had that conversation and clearly things went well!

I am choosing to enter into this relationship without fear obstructing my view. I just want to "see what happens," rather than getting caught up in trying to figure out what WILL happen before I even agree to really get to know him. I have new perspective about SO many things (people pleasing, relationships, making decisions, following the Lord, etc), which is part of what will make me respond differently this time. This is not at all what I expected to happen a week ago - but it did happen and I feel complete peace. It truly seems as though this is a "natural" progression, which is not something I felt before.

Mostly, this whole relationship thing is extremely NEW to me.

I think it'll take a while for the shock to wear off. :-) I'm even surprised at the decisions that I made all on my own - just between me and the Lord - not consulting every friend I have all across the country. Though I value those friendships, the more diverse advice I get, the more my head spins.

All of that to say... now you can pray for Jake and me. :)

Oh, Life. You crack me up.

In relation to my post "Hard Does NOT Equal Bad" (Click HERE to read it!), I just want to add that not only is "hard" not always bad, sometimes it's awesome. Or at least, it has some pretty awesome results. I have undeniably experienced some AWESOME breakthrough this week. Though it was hard, it is so beyond exciting to look back and see all that God has done and know that I am not the same person today that I was last Friday. I have a whole new perspective and understanding of who I am, who God is, and what it means to walk in the Spirit. Yes, all of that happened in one week and I wasn't even at high school summer camp! ;-) Just living life. Seeking God. Making decisions. Being bold.

The interesting thing about this is that sometimes people don't like change. They criticize a decision and suggest alternative routes and bring on the "what if?" questions and "If I were you I would have..." comments. As I'm trying to move AWAY from pleasing people instead of God, my response to those criticisms will be... I'm okay with that. I'm okay that I don't know what I'm doing. I'm okay that I don't have all the answers. I am now less concerned with figuring out "What is the RIGHT thing?" and more concerned with keeping my heart still and my mind silent to be open and receptive to how the Holy Spirit directs me - even when I can't explain WHY.

This new mindset sure makes living for God EXCITING! It feels like a real journey. Not just following a rule book. It's all about a relationship.

The "Sweetness" of Trusting

’Tis so sweet to trust in Jesus,

Just to take Him at His Word;
Just to rest upon His promise,
And to know, “Thus saith the Lord!”

Jesus, Jesus, how I trust Him!
How I’ve proved Him o’er and o’er;
Jesus, Jesus, precious Jesus!
Oh, for grace to trust Him more!

Oh, how sweet to trust in Jesus,
Just to trust His cleansing blood;
And in simple faith to plunge me
’Neath the healing, cleansing flood!

Yes, ’tis sweet to trust in Jesus,
Just from sin and self to cease;
Just from Jesus simply taking
Life and rest, and joy and peace.


I’m so glad I learned to trust Thee,
Precious Jesus, Savior, Friend;
And I know that Thou art with me,
Wilt be with me to the end.
---------------------------------------

The burden is not mine, but His. Full surrender. The sweetness of trusting in Jesus is freedom to be who He wants me to be. Eliminating anxiety, worry, fear. Life may not look the way I want or expect it to, but I trust that His way is better. I don't have to even HAVE a plan... I just need to be obedient and trust in His.

So grateful for the seriously intense ways that God has been working on my heart. Things that I thought I knew, but didn't really believe... therefore, was not acting out in. What it really means to trust. What it looks like for me to take Him at His Word and believe that His promises are true. That the joy of the Lord truly is my strength. That I can make decisions and seek Him all along the way... rather than understanding the entire plan before I take my first step. It's all coming together! Oh, I know that I have so much to learn. But I just love to see progress and growth and change. Refinement. Whew, quite the process!

Ohhhh, Decisions.

So I already spent a lot of time blogging today, I'll keep this brief:

I made a decision! All on my own! MostlyI just gathered information, sought counsel, made my pros/cons list, prayed, thought it all through on my own, and came to a conclusion. The best part is that I really DO feel peace about it! I love the way the Lord speaks to my heart!

I'm going to drop one of my classes. All reasons regarding the class itself aside, my other classes are hurting (so I'll need more time to direct my attention/effort there, too...) and basically, I just don't want to hate life. So something needs to change again. Those two reasons are enough for me.

As soon as I thought to blog this, I was reminded of the only other time I dropped a class - I was living in Texas and going to school at Tyler Junior College and hated making decisions just as much as I do now. Here's my blog post from that experience: Decision Making - March 2010 -- It was SO great to read that post tonight and find encouragement in what the Lord taught me then, since it all applies again now!

He is faithful and will carry me through.
I am capable of making decisions and listening to the voice of the Lord!
Whew. Now, I'm going to sleep... waking up in 5 short hours. :- /

Sooo... WHEN will I ever learn?!

Alright, people.
This is getting a little ridiculous.

God is SO specific and intentional in how He interacts with, teaches, and directs us. I truly believe that and definitely see evidence of it weaved all throughout my life. I absolutely LOVE when I can see how He specifically works in my life or in other people's lives.

My struggle is in that I know I've been enduring a particularly difficult season for the past month or so and the weight of the struggle is definitely wearing me down. The great part is that I can clearly see how I have drawn nearer to the Lord through this time... I have been purposeful in seeking Him and standing on truth and cherishing the blessing of community. The not-so-great part is that I feel like I can SEE what I'm supposed to be learning in the midst of the struggle... but I must not be "getting" it because I just. keep. struggling... and enduring.

I chose to quit a smaller than part-time childcare job because my schedule was too much to handle. I am trying to decide whether or not I need to drop a class - partially because I don't have the time to put into it and partially because I am consistently doing poorly on assignments and our midterm is tomorrow - so I'm nervous. I got my British Literature midterm back today and I failed it. Literally. I am processing foreign emotions and trying to understand my own heart and trying to understand the Lord's Will in all of it. I had a cold for a week... and I rarely get sick. I have to practice patience like crazy when working with a 4 and 7 year old early in the mornings.

I know that sometimes life is just hard. It's only a season. This will NOT last forever.

When I got my Brit Lit test back today and saw the grade I just wanted to laugh and my first thought was, "Seriously, Lord?! I must have more to learn (and I don't mean about literature!)."

The resounding message of my life right now is DEPENDENCE. What does it mean to depend on God fully... to trust in Him with everything I have.... to lean not on my own understand, but acknowledge Him in all my ways? I think that this highly correlates to identity. I rely on HIM to determine who I am, not on anything I conjure up in my own successes or failures. (or what grades I earn, how much money I have, what people say/think about me, etc, etc.) What does it look like to DO this tangibly? Well, clearly, I have no idea. :) But I know that it has to do with being grounded in truth, surrounding yourself with a community of Believers, and taking your thoughts captive. When I get that test back with the horrible grade on it that I studied for hours on I don't allow it to change my identity in any way based on the type of thoughts that I allow myself to think on.

And not giving up. We PRESS ON toward our goal. So that's what I shall do. :)

“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable.”

C.S. Lewis

A Great Weekend AND [surprisingly] a Great Start to the Week!

This weekend was full and fun and refreshing, as usual. I have especially enjoyed weekends since starting school as the weekdays are exhausting! I didn't do ANY homework on Saturday or Sunday - which is not normal, or recommended. I did however, take a two hour nap on Friday AND get more homework done than I planned on doing, so it's all good. :) Saturday I went to my first Bible Study in a series on the fruit of the Spirit - it went SO well! Then I went rock climbing with a group of friends - rather, I watched from the bottom while they climbed. ;-) THEN I went to the first BSU home football game - so fun!! I got to spend a lot of time chatting with my good friend, Molly, too. I love talking with her because she's GREAT at asking questions that make me think. I'm so grateful for her friendship! Sunday was full of church, Extreme Life, grocery shopping, laundry, and a neighborhood "social" with Lindsay and Liz... then I made the wise decision to go to bed early. (I never regret that decision! Especially on a Monday morning.)

I seriously think that this is the first Monday morning that I haven't dreaded the coming week... I must be making it through this season of endurance/perseverance. Praise God! It's been difficult, but oh so fruitful in my life. I totally see how God has used the past month to grow me and stretch me and draw me near to Him. For that, I am truly grateful. I know that this week will be hard (midterm in my most difficult class, a LOT of reading to catch up on, etc), but it doesn't have to be BAD. I know that God is working in me and shaping me into the confident, godly woman that He created me to be - and that gives me JOY!

A Little Rest for the Weary...

This morning I got up at 5:00 and spent time with Jesus, which was wonderful and refreshing as usual.

Then I went to work from 6:30-9:20. Then I came home and slept from 9:30-11:15. I feel SO great. I'm pretty sure I could have just stayed in bed and been content sleeping off and on for the next 5 hours or so. :)

I had planned on getting 4-5 or more hours of homework done today like I did on Monday and Wednesday of this week... but I know that REST is the wise choice for today. I'm going to just stay home tonight to make myself a good dinner, get some homework done, prepare for my Bible Study in the morning, and go to bed early. Sounds like a pretty fabulous Friday night to me!

Rest is necessary. I know that tomorrow will be a long day - I'm going to the first home football game of the season! SO excited! Sunday will be full of church and getting through the homework that I'm intentionally not doing today. But that's okay. I've worked really hard this week... the past several weeks. So it's OKAY that I took a 2 hour nap. Sometimes a little sleep is all you need... I highly suggest it.

Happy Friday!

Here's the darling 7-year-old girl from the previous post :)

I love this girl!

Simply Ridiculous -

Have you ever had a "bad day" and then a week later looked back and realized it wasn't all that bad?

What about times when you get upset over something and then question if it was really worth the blow up?

Well, this morning I had the pleasure of walking a darling, sometimes emotional, 7-year-old girl through the ridiculousness of our petty emotions. I told her (and her brother, too! She tried to say I wasn't being fair, but Gannon had the same rule.) that she could play on the computer after she got dressed and brushed her teeth. Then she stomped up the stairs and shut her bedroom door, rather harshly, I might add. After she was dressed for school and continued to display a pouty face and a whiny voice, I suggested we sit on the stairs for a little chat. (learning moment? hopefully.) I said, "Channing, tell me what's really wrong? Why are you upset?" She started to reply, "Well, I just want to do what I want to do!" She barely made it through her answer before I saw her mouth twitch and she quickly put her head in her lap. Knowing that whatever frustration she felt seemed to have diminished, I teased her, "Channing - are you laughing? Do you know that there is NO laughing in this house?!" (One of my parents used to joke like that all the time, I don't remember who.) Then she did smile and laugh! I told her: "You know what my mom always tells me? Nobody will want to be around you if you're grumpy." Her eyes got big and she said, "That's what MY mom tells ME!" (It must be a mom thing.) The point is, Chan had spent all morning going back and forth between grumpy/happy, and choosing to act out of her emotions in the moment. She didn't look at the fact that getting dressed takes her about 3 minutes, so it's REALLY not worth getting so upset over.

This made me think about how I typically deal with my own, sometimes flippant, emotions. Usually what happens, is that I realize I'm frustrated (or insecure, or angry, or growing bitter, etc, etc) and then I get frustrated that I'm frustrated. It's like the snowball effect - my emotions just build up until the frustration is WAY bigger than necessary and the thing that originally caused frustration shouldn't even qualify as a frustration-causing event.

NOTE: It is okay to have emotions!!!

2nd NOTE: There IS a healthy way to deal with emotions.

That being said, I will choose to take my thoughts captive and make them obedient to Christ. (2 Corinthians 10:4-5) Practically, this means that I am not going to dwell on negative emotions that build up into one big ball of frustration.

Frustration is not a reason to be more frustrated - It's a vicious cycle.

Hard Does NOT Equal Bad

I had this thought last night right after I got in bed... eager to fall asleep and rest, I quickly turned my lamp back on and jotted "hard is not bad" on a pad of sticky notes next to my bed for this very purpose. (I probably should have done this TWO nights ago... instead I just lay awake for an hour with my mind racing!)

There's a difference between saying "I'm going to have a hard day," and "I'm going to have a bad day." OR... "This test will be bad/hard," "Life is hard/bad," "Relationships are hard/bad." Not everything that is HARD is also BAD. The reason why it's important not to confuse the two is because of the connotation of - the feelings associated with - each word. I need to separate them in my mind because if I go into a day/test/life/relationship assuming that it will be BAD, then I already have a negative outlook and will continue in that (which will effect my words/actions) negativity unless I consciously change my habits/thought patterns. At the same time, I need to recognize that it's okay that things are hard. It's okay. Hard means I can't do it on my own. Hard means I need Jesus to guide me through the muck. Hard means there is a need to be vulnerable with a community of believers. Hard means it will be easier to recognize the goodness of God contrasting with... everything else. A hard week means a restful weekend is ahead. ;-)

Hard means challenging, pushing, striving, growing, learning, seeking, and persevering and ALL of these things are a part of the process of making us more and more like Jesus.