Decision Maker

Yep. That's what I'm learning to be: A Decision Maker.

So I dropped my BCIS (computer/EXCEL) class on Thursday. I had been thinking about doing it since week 1 of the course. I was just getting farther and farther behind and lacking the resources to catch up (time/materials). The lady from financial aid on Tuesday told me that no matter what happens I do NOT want to have an F on my transcript. Well, I was honestly pretty concerned that that's what would happen. Otherwise, I would kill myself the rest of the semester just to HOPEFULLY pull off a measly D or C. It wasn't worth it. I'm already short on time, energy, and sleep. The class just really was not even worth it to me.

The worst part about making decisions is telling people what you decide. I know that I'm an adult and I'm confident and I can make major decisions on my own. So when I weigh the consequences, gather important information, ask the Lord and go down the path of peace. (Proverbs says that the path of wisdom will always be peace, and I just want to walk in wisdom in each decision that I make)... I finally make a decision (i.e. "I'm going to move to Boise and go to school at NNU in August" or "I'm going to drop this class" or "I'm going to marry this man" - just kidding, that last one hasn't happened yet!) I feel confidence and peace about my decision, until I tell someone else. You hear things like, "Are you sure that's what you want to do?" or "Wow, I wouldn't have made that decision" and other such encouraging sentiments...

I'm even worse when it comes to reading into things. People may not say those things outright, but I try to interpret their response to some decision that I made to get approval and increase my confidence. I hate realizing that those things are my motivation! I'm glad I recognize it, though, because I do not want to be addicted to the approval of other people or gain my confidence from what others think about my decisions.

My challenge to you, dear reader: be confident in what the Lord has called you to do! (I'm not saying that He "called" me to drop my class...) You can hear God's voice and make an informed decision and move forward in that direction - don't be swayed. Be bold! It's too easy to get caught up in what other people think of you to gain acceptance/approval OR to live in the land of regret and wish that you had made a more "acceptable" decision afterwards. Don't give into that. We will not always make the right decisions. But there is GRACE. And we will always learn from making the wrong decision, if we look at it from the right perspective. Seek the Lord and approach His throne of grace with confidence... He will be your guide!

More than you could ask or IMAGINE...

I feel like I could just write all day long and fill this space with the many things that happen to be lingering in my heart today.

I went to an AWESOME women's retreat yesterday, so I was supposed to work on homework all afternoon today... yeah, that didn't happen. :) I just spent the past few hours sitting outside (I think I got a sunburn) journaling and talking to the Lord. I mostly just asked a lot of questions to God and to myself, of which I was able to answer about one of them. Don't you love that? I know all of the questions to ask, the things to seek out, how to pray nice sounding prayers... but I don't come to conclusions. I ask myself, "What is the Lord teaching you right now?"

*cricket, cricket, cricket* --- No answer. Or maybe it's a thousand answers and I just don't know how to consolidate or even understand them all.

Oh dear. The weirdest thing happened yesterday... I took a nap after the retreat, then went outside on my back porch to have some quiet time. I was sitting there just minding my own business and reading, and all of a sudden I started crying! I don't even know why!!! I tried to think very practically about the situation... but I still got nowhere. Lord, what are you trying to teach me? What is the burden on my heart and WHY can't I figure it out??! I realize that I'm a girl and sometimes girls just cry... but it is just very odd...

Well, I didn't give up. So what am I learning? Continual joy. The expression of joy is completely irrelevant to how I feel or what is physically happening in my life. Yes, I struggle with things. There is junk in my life: I'm not doing well in school - which is very difficult for a recovering perfectionist - and I want to drop a class, I've moving to Idaho in only 5 months - which means there will be a MASSIVE amount of CHANGE, relational conflicts, family concerns, financial worries, etc, etc. I am continuing to learn that my life can be a picture of JOY regardless of my worries, concerns or conflicts. Yeah, there's junk - Jesus says that there will be ("In this world you will have trouble"). But if I look at my life in the right perspective, then I can rejoice because I know that the testing of my faith develops perseverance. I am content right now because I know that I'm living out what God has called me to do for TODAY. There is so much joy in serving the Lord and walking in obedience to His commands everyday. His joy makes me complete. I choose not to dwell on the junk, and focus on His glory.

Saturday: My favorite day of the week

Ahh... the 6th day of the week. No work, no school... I am completely in charge of my own schedule!

This day has been absolutely wonderful. The past few Saturdays have all been equally restful and glorious. I really, really, REALLY just love this day!

The weather has been BEAUTIFUL! I sit outside and read. I go running. I get homework and chores and errands done. And then I cook a big, delicious dinner and watch a few episodes of 24 with my housemates. It's the perfect combination of activities to make up the best day! Productivity, rest, peace, friendships, a traditional dinner & Jack Bauer. I usually have a saturday task list (including both the chores and fun stuff - sometimes I have to schedule in the "fun", too, to make sure that it happens!) -- and I love marking things off of a list. :)

This past week has been... difficult, to say the least. Monday morning, I already started wishing for the weekend. Midterms week at school, ATF is just crazy and busy in general, car problems, not feeling well... it's just been one of those weeks where "everything" seems to pile up at the same time. I did, of course, make it through the week. :) It was just a rough one.

Then today I woke up... and it was a BEAUTIFUL Saturday morning.

Thank you, Lord, for this peaceful day. You DO provide rest for those whom you love. There is light at the end of a hard week. You make me new. I don't have to dwell on what happened yesterday or get caught up in financial struggles or relational conflicts or daily failures... because your peace passes ALL understanding. I cannot fix my own life or just conjure up a "good" week - but I can choose to believe the truth and walk in obedience with the Lord and what He has called me to do. There I will find joy, despite my circumstances. I am just so grateful for this day, Lord Jesus. Thank you for knowing and understanding my heart and providing for my every need, even in the most simple things. You are so GOOD!