Stop. Rest. Reflect.

I don't generally lie... I'm actually a horrible liar! (I suppose this is a good thing.) Even pulling off surprises takes a lot of preparation and self control. Even if I say the right thing, my face generally gives it away. So maybe more out of lack of skill, rather than morality, I tend to be a very honest person.

Although, have you ever noticed how EASY it is to lie to yourself? It's nothing like lying to another person. Even though I can't lie worth anything, I can and do lie to myself all the time. Hey, I even lie to God. In my prayers I try to sound holy and put together and just pray nice things for other people. Pastor Bryan challenged us this morning: "Be brutally honest with where your heart is at." Sometimes we just stay physically and emotionally busy so that we don't have to deal with all that junk in our hearts. We pretty ourselves up and achieve great things so that nobody else can see what lies on the inside. This can be anything from hidden sin to covering how I feel about something minor or not really reflecting on how a particular situation affects me.

All I'm doing today is passing this charge on to you: Be brutally honest with the condition of your heart. I'm going to spend some time today (and the rest of this week - as I think it will probably take a few tries to really get to the root of some issues) and just THINK about my life. Be honest with myself and with the Lord. How do I feel about my plans for next year? What am I afraid of? How am I not trusting the Lord? How do I feel about things that are happening in my family? What am I running away from? What relationships am I frustrated with - how am I really dealing with this?

*Note: This exercise requires complete honesty - not only with yourself, but with the Lord. Politeness and politics are not important. It's just between you and God. Then, if necessary, you can bring in some encouragement and accountability from a close friend. Psalm 62:8 "Trust in him at all times, O people; pour out your hearts to him, for God is our refuge." Pour out your heart!

The Love of my Heavenly Father

I get overwhelmed so easily. I allow myself to get wrapped up in thoughts of "what if" and "how will I ever" and... I so quickly forget the power of GOD'S LOVE. First of all, His physical act of love - sending His one and only Son, Jesus, to die on the cross in my place - covers over all my sin. That means that when I fail or make mistakes, He's always got my back. I can always run to Him. He will never have enough of me or grow weary of my forgetfulness and disobedience. His love is never, ever ending - so nothing that I do will make it go away. I'm slowly learning how to see God as my heavenly Father. He's not like an earthly father. God's love goes beyond what I do for him or how well I perform. His love is so personal and intimate - He cares about and is involved in every detail of my life. (as long as I ALLOW Him to be involved) His plans for me are for GOOD - He wants to see me prosper.

When I start to feel overwhelmed like this, I have to take a step or two back and just bask in the knowledge of God's love. I do know that He loves me more than I could ever know. I do know that His love will carry me through change, transition, decision-making, and anything else that I come up against. I know that in His presence I will find peace. He has come so that I may have LIFE and have it more abundantly. Living for God is not just surviving... it is THRIVING. Whether it is going to school, or working at whatever job I can find to pay for school, or serving in my church, or building relationship - whatever I do - I will do it all in the name of the Lord. Today is Valentine's day - I will focus on the LOVE of my Heavenly Father!

I feel like lately I have just been CONSTANTLY thinking about next year. (I feel like 'dun dun dun' should always follow the two words "next year"...just sayin') Last night I told some friends about my decision to go to school in Boise, ID. Then afterwards I wished I hadn't mentioned anything. Not because they weren't supportive, they were. But it made the decision feel more final to me... I feel very secure in Garden Valley, TX. I know my way around the area, I have free housing/food, my car insurance is paid off, my school is paid for by grants, I am fairly confident in my job, I get to work with kids at church two nights a week... basically, I'm living the dream. My plans for next year are EXCITING. (VERY exciting!!!) But they are scary. It's different. It's a whole stinkin' lot of change. It's leaving behind a handful of friends who are very near to my heart. It's leaving behind financial security and my 3 year "tenure" in ATF Ops. I am so blessed to have friends to live with in Boise, but in 7 months my life is going to look very different.

I am anticipating a big change... but I really don't want it to consume my life. There is a difference between preparation and obsession. Preparation brings peace, obsession is craziness. I'd rather live a life of peace, thank you very much. :) Lord, help me to guard my heart against unnecessary worry and fear, and help me to rely on you in confirming this decision and not be swayed by my unstable emotions.