Learning? Life? What?

Sometimes life is so confusing. I'm just being honest. I do love life and I know that the Lord is growing me and teaching me and I love serving at an awesome ministry like Teen Mania... but there are so many things that I just don't understand.

I started this blog, because I thought it would help me to identify the lessons that the Lord is teaching me and help me to recognize and share specific areas of growth. I know that I haven't blogged all that much... but trust me, I think about it often. I want to share what I'm learning. I want to teach you the things that the Lord has put on my heart. But I seem to be having this issue with communication lately. It's been holding me back. [Preface: I am fully aware that Satan is just trying to hinder my effectiveness in the Kingdom and stop me from sharing life with others. But regardless...] This is how I described it recently in my journal: "It's like when you feel like you have to throw up, but nothing comes up. My mouth moves, but nothing of any significance comes out. My heart is overflowing, but my thoughts are just confusing." The past couple weeks in accountability (I meet on Tuesday nights with a group of 4 other women), as I share an idea or concept, this thought inevitably crosses my mind at some point: "What in the world are you even saying right now?!" It's kind of ironic, because for accountability we're reading a book about self-talk... hmm... maybe I should look more into that.

Maybe I'm just in process. I'm in the process of making decisions and figuring out details for my life in August. I'm in the process of the spring in ATF Ops (spring = overtime). I'm in the process of online classes, textbooks, and tests. I think being 21 years old in itself is just a process - some basic processes (such as learning about cooking and cleaning and time/money management) and some complicated processes (asking questions like "Lord, when will you send my husband?" and "How do I deal with my broken family?" and "What am I supposed to do in August?!", etc, etc.).

In conclusion, I know that I'm learning things; I just can't really pin point what they are... and I know that sounds odd... I don't understand it either. :) I don't understand a lot of things. I just know that I need to trust.

Everyday, Lord, teach me to trust.

School started today. Tonight – as I sit at Rockwell's, skim through random college websites, drink my blended chocolate mint, etc, etc – is the calm before the storm. Trust me, I say that with great excitement, anticipation and only slight sarcasm. I am definitely a creature of habit. I love routine. “Consistency is spiritual currency.” I like to make and follow a schedule. This spring semester will definitely be a rigorous time crunch. 14 credits (4 classes) at TJC – 2 online and 2 on campus, 34 scheduled hours as the Office Manager of Acquire the Fire Operations, working at Grace Community Church doing childcare two nights a week, a lot of books to read, 25 ATF events remaining in “The Encounter” tour, coffee shops to visit, friendships to build and blog posts to write. :) Oh, yes. I love my life. My prayer is that even amidst this ever so slightly chaotic spring semester, I would not lose sight of the main thing: God is good and I live to serve Him. I pray that I would not get so caught up in work and school, that I forget about people. I hope that I would not be so immersed in what I have to do that I forget what I live to do. I don’t want to plan so much that I miss out on the fun. Lord, help me not to trade being, the maenjoying and serving for doing, working and striving. Help me to keep in thing the MAIN thing. HE is my reason for living. I pray that in everything I do this spring, Lord, I would bring glory to your name and reflect your love to everyone to I come into contact with.

More Reflections of 2009

This was a question that was asked of the congregation at church today: "How did you respond to the challenges of 2009?" (We must have deep roots to stand strong – Luke 8:13) I kind of changed it by thinking about the past year in general and all of the things I've learned. These are my thoughts... pretty much just how they came into my head.

In different situations, I’ve responded differently. (well, duh.) What did 2009 look like for me? I learned and experienced and grew so much more than I ever imagined. The Lord just continues to prove Himself faithful over and over in my Life. I love hearing His voice. This year I became more introverted. I have been withdrawn… and also very open. I’ve felt more like an adult. I bought a car. I dealt with my parents’ divorce and the break down of my family. My relationship with my brother has strengthened and grown deeper. My vision for the future has become clearer. My relationship with the Lord is more solid. Physical and spiritual disciplines are more consistent and natural. I worry much less. This means that I am more dependent on the Lord for strength and hope. I believe that He is who He says He is, and He will do what He says He will do. I have stepped out more boldly in leadership. (wow. This has been a BIG year for me!) I realized that I LOVE the Pacific Northwest, but I don’t hate Texas. (It took a long time to come to that realization…) I traveled to Chicago, which is now my favorite place. I would love to go back there sometime. This was also the coldest weather that I had ever been in! I love to read, and I’ve been learning a LOT through the books I read and building up my library. I had the biggest financial struggle… ever; mostly because this was the most financial responsibility that I’ve ever had. But I survived with a meager $10 to my name for longer than I thought I could. And I had many people who I knew would support me in a heartbeat if I truly needed it. I just learned to rely on the Lord and live off of only what was necessary, while also not becoming too anxious with money. (It took some time & prayer, but the Lord worked that out in my heart. I’m worth more than the amount of money in my bank account.) Everything in balance- It’s okay to buy new tennis shoes when I go running about 4 times a week and my last pair lasted me over two years. Besides, when I went to the shoe store, I bought the cheapest pair they had. :) I learned a lot about cooking! I’ve experimented and followed recipes… and called my mom, grandma, and other smart women in my life for advice. I love to cook, especially when it ends up tasting good. I went from living in a house with 17 women, to living in a small duplex with 4 women – two on each side. I learned a lot about relationships and communication and conflict. I dropped my habit of people pleasing. I dealt with feelings of rejection and inadequacy. Then I recognized that the Lord works through my inadequacy to bring glory to His name and I need to stop trying to do everything in my own strength and power.

New Year!

Well, it's January 2, 2010. Happy New Year! "Let's start this year off with a BANG!" A bang? Nothing too exciting happens... then before you know it, it's a new year. Not only a new year, but a new decade. So what does this transition time mean? Start new? Blank slate? Turn over a new leaf? Hmm. My hopes for 2010 involve growth in bolder leadership, deeper devotion, stronger relationships, consistent self discipline and a more firm foundation on the truth. New Year's resolutions/promises/goals/ aspirations... most people at least think of one. They may SOUND nice, but they don't really mean anything unless you actually follow through. It's easy for me to say that I would like to have stronger relationships and bolder leadership and more consistent self discipline and such. It is NOT easy to actually implement all of those things. It takes work, time, diligence, a plan of action, accountability and discipline. (which is funny, because discipline is something that I want to be further developed in my life! whew! This could be rough...) We can set goals because we know where we OUGHT to be, but we won't be who we ought to be unless we do something to get there. You can't just live in a land of high hopes and dreams and expect that one day you will reach them if you don't change anything in your life. In order for growth to happen, there must be change.

How many of you made a new year's resolution to eat healthier... and have already eaten a candy bar? How many of you decided to wake up on time... and hit the snooze button 11 times this morning? Maybe it's time you come up with some small steps to reach that goal. You can't reach the end without going through the process to get there. Set smaller goals to reach your big goal. Don't give up in 3 days! Be persistent and keep at it. Get accountability so your friend/mentor who can walk alongside you and help you reach the goal. Write it down; if the goal (and steps to reach that goal) are written down, you are more likely to follow through with it. It's like a personal accountability...

I hope that you all enjoyed this Christmas season and are anticipating the new year! God has great things for 2010. Take responsibility for your own growth and DO something about it this year. Let me know how it goes. :)