An Age Old Dilemma... in my own life, and apparently the Apostle Paul's, too

I was reminded last night before I fell asleep of the "glass balls" analogy that my dear friend, Tresbien, (check out her cute blog @ "Love on a Budget"), taught me when she was my resident director at Teen Mania Ministries. 

[I just love when these little life lessons come back to mind. Thank you, Lord!]

Basically, we are juggling glass balls that represent "responsibilities." (i.e. school, work, relationships, etc) Reality is, we can only juggle so much at one time before things start to fall. If we try to get tricky and add too many balls, one or three or five are bound to crash to the ground. 

This is a rough picture of our lives. I can only manage so many responsibilities before something is going to crash. The question is, 
which one(s) am I willing to let go of? 
Which one is okay to let crash? 
What am I NOT willing to lay by the wayside?

I think sometimes my problem is that I put too many things in my set of top priorities and then I have to juggle really fast for a long time with a lot of pressure - because I really don't want ANY of those glass balls to break. Is that even feasible? Realistic? Wise?

Where is the line?!

This is really about priorities. There are some glass balls that I am simply not willing to let crash, ever: my relationship and time w/ Jesus, family relationships, friends that God has put in my life for a purpose. i.e. Investing in RELATIONSHIPS. 

Another one is health - physical & emotional. Whatever this needs to look like at a given time. Sometimes, in order to be healthy, I need to take a "homework free" day or drive up to the mountains or take a nap. Or maybe it means I need to carve out 30 minutes in my hectic day to make sure I get to the gym or sit down to eat a healthy meal (preferably, 3 of them). I've learned that my health has GOT to be a top priority because if it is lacking then everything else will suffer because of it. (You can't get much done when you're brain dead from only sleeping for 3 hours or sick in bed with the flu!)

Other things in life may rise or fall on the priority list depending on other factors and conditions. There may be days or weeks when I need to focus on school and that becomes a top priority (but not higher than the HIGHEST non-negotiable priorities) and other times when I can let school slide a little and focus more on ministry or working extra or whatever else may come up. 

Knowing your priorities - the MOST important things through the least important - is basically setting boundaries in your life. The way that I look at it, boundaries = freedom! Boundaries tell me what I need to say yes and no to. It's making the decision in advance and already knowing how I am going to use my time and invest my life.

While that is all well and good... is that what ACTUALLY happens? No. 

At least not for me. I guess I should speak for myself here. :)

I could easily just end the post here and wish you all luck in setting priorities and making that happen. But let's just be real, usually, we know what we need to do but instead we do something else. (hmm, sound familiar?) Our priorities are out of whack.

^{Romans 7:15} I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. ¹⁶ And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good. ¹⁷ As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me. ¹⁸ For I know that good itself does not dwell in me, that is, in my sinful nature.^[c] For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. ¹⁹ For I do not do the good I want to do, but the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing. ²⁰ Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it.

Apparently, this is not a new issue. Paul struggled as well.

Note: I am NOT saying that just because you need a simple priority shift means you are living in great sin and need to repent (although, you may... I'll leave that up to you and God)... but I do think that Paul clearly conveys the confusion that a vast majority of us experience in TRYING to do the thing that we KNOW we should do, when we end up doing something entirely different, and the frustration that comes with doing so. 

I KNOW that spending time with God is the best thing for me in the morning, but sometimes I choose extra sleep instead. Or I just get caught up doing other things and quickly flip through a devotional.

I KNOW that maintaining my health is critical, but sometimes I let homework or meetings get in the way.

I KNOW that I need to invest in relationships, but sometimes the tasks on my to do list are overwhelming and drown out everything else.

Notice that they are all a CHOICE. I choose how I spend my own time, whether for better or worse. I choose which glass balls I'm going to cling to and protect and which I'm going to let fall to the ground. 

I often cling to the wrong things. I get overwhelmed easily and only want to spend time doing things that will either prove my "success" (i.e. SCHOOL) or things that other people will see. To put it bluntly, that's awfully prideful.

Jesus, I only want to cling to YOU. You are truly all I need. All else can fall away... they are temporary anyways. Help me to keep my priorities in check and choose to spend my time wisely and trust You with the glass balls that need to drop.

Thankful Thursday - Numero Dos

1. New-to-me Music... I discovered "All the Sons and Daughters" this week and LOVE them. Especially this song: "Wake Up" - currently on repeat as I write this. Especially because of what God has been teaching me in the past few months. Especially in light of my current read by Erwin McManus, "Wide Awake," which I am also thankful for.

2. T-Minus 5 1/2 days until I get to see my Momma!!!! So very, very thankful for her.

3. The capabilities of instant messaging. Three days in a row this week I talked to a different person in Panama. I love that I can stay connected with them. God continues to expand my heart for these people.

4. I'm thankful for the funny little things Gannon says throughout the morning... this kid cracks me up. Sometimes you just need to see life from the eyes of a 5-year old!

5. In 8 days I get a new sister! It'll be just like Christmas. Wrapped up in a wedding. Plus lots of friends and family. Ah, I just LOVE to celebrate! So thankful for my brother and his sweet bride. :)

6. Living out my passion... even though life seems to be engulfed with other things at the moment, I still have the opportunity to be a part of some AWESOME ministry at BSU. I am incredibly grateful for the close-knit staff team. I am looking forward to our girls hike tomorrow to continue building relationships and investing in the women of Cru. I'm excited to meet with the other ladies on the staff team this afternoon to brainstorm other ideas and dream big. Use us, Lord.

7. Frozen yogurt... because who ISN'T thankful for a gigantic cup of deliciousness??! Fro yo is good for the soul & good for healthy friendships. Love it.

8. Making friends. I know this sounds silly, but it is SO nice to have a couple friends to study with from my classes this semester. 

I like this. "Gratitude turns what we have into enough."

The point of listing what I'm thankful for is to simply acknowledge that I have plenty of reasons to be thankful. I have more than enough. God is my provider and He meets ALL my needs ALL the time. He sees my heart. 

On a day like today where I spent as many hours in the library last night (about 4) as I did sleeping after that (not enough) AND I have a completely full schedule, plus multiple assignments due in the next 36 hours... it's a good reminder that I have enough. 
That I am enough. 

Random...

I had a crazy dream last night. Actually, it was this morning. I wouldn't have had this dream if I had gotten out of bed when my alarm went off. I don't remember it going off at 5:00, but when I woke up at 6:22 my phone was in my hands so clearly I attempted to "snooze." (which NEVER works!)

In that hour and twenty two minutes (a hefty "snooze"... haha) I had a very clear dream. This is VERY abnormal for me - I only remember dreams like this probably a few times a year. Not very often. 

I dreamt that I was a team leader on a mission trip to Dubai. (Note: I have NO idea WHY Dubai... I know nothing about this country. I don't think I could even tell you where it is!) Sarah, who was my project director in Panama this summer, was also my PD in my dream. 

We got off the plane in Dubai, with what seemed like a thousand teenagers (probably remembering airport experiences this summer... haha). We didn't know that while we were in the air, the government had collapsed and/or turned hostile. Something like that. Whatever it is, it was very bad and we could get in trouble very easily.

I told the missionaries to line up along the wall - in "sliced bread," of course (this is how we organize luggage in a single file line... it made me laugh when I woke up that this was so prominent in my dream...) - but they kept standing in groups that blocked the walkway and we were getting in more trouble from security guards for taking up too much space. 

Sarah told me that our bus wasn't at the airport. The security guards were being ridiculous and Sarah was getting mad at them. That's when I woke up... crazy kids who weren't standing against the wall, in a country with a corrupt government, with no transportation to take us anywhere. 

Talk about feeling disoriented first thing in the morning! 

*I decided to do some quick research on wikipedia (not a credible resource, I know, but it serves this purpose well) on Dubai because I think it's SO random that I dreamt I was there!

"Dubai is often misperceived as a country..." oops. It's actually an emirate. An emirate is "the state or jurisdiction of an emir," which is "a ruler, chief, or commander in Islamic countries" (Webster's Dictionary). Interesting!

Anyways - just thought I'd share my crazy dream.

Monday Morning Musings~

[Did you like that alliteration? Things like that make Communication/English majors, like myself, proud... like we just did something so clever. Ha!]

Monday mornings.... they have such a bad reputation. 

Dreading the week to come... 
Sad that the weekend is over...
Time to wake up early again...
Headed back to work/school...

Why must Monday mornings be so gloomy and dismal?

This morning I'm thinking about the POTENTIAL that a new week brings... and choosing to be thankful.

Sure, looking at my planner it is POTENTIALLY going to be busy, crazy, stressful, and full of late nights. 

Or, I could seek FIRST the Kingdom of God and recognize the other kinds of potential this week has: potential to share the Gospel and the love of Jesus with someone, potential to grow and be strengthened in my relationship with God, potential to encourage someone else, potential to grow and nurture friendships, potential to progress in school (uh, hopefully that is the case. ha!), potential to learn a lesson... probably a lot, too, if I'm open to it.

Everyday has all kinds of potential. 

What kind of potential depends on the angle we choose to look at...

I can acknowledge ahead of time all the kinds of potential this week has, and decide that I will be thankful for each day no matter the circumstances. Life is way more exciting this way. I don't know what's going to happen, but I can eagerly anticipate whatever it is God has for me. 

My life is in HIS hands. That's not something to dread.

The Return of [Thankful] Thursday!!!

1. Happy kids in the morning (and coffee. that's great in the morning, too.)

2. Yoga pants. Pretty much amazing.

3. A "Good Morning, beautiful!" text from a best friend

Kyle (my almost MARRIED brother), mom & me in Portland last Thanksgiving

4. I get to see my mom, brother & soon to be sister-in-law in 11 days! (And the rest of the family shortly after!)

My crazy sister, Dawn, and me on Christmas Eve last year -- Can't wait to see her!!!

5. Approachable professors who have a grip on reality. What a relief.

6. A day off tomorrow... sleeping in until at least 8am! :)

7. My two writing classes... they blend together so much it's like one big, exciting semester of writing (and helps me forget about my awful chemistry class)

8. This blog. I love writing. 

9. The TRUTH that my worth is not based on how well (or poorly) I do in school, what other people think of me, how much I get done in one day, or how "on top of it" I appear to be.

10. Skype with friends

11. Making pumpkin bread with the most fun five-year-old around. We're enjoying a morning of homework, baking, and working out all together! :)

12. Leaves changing colors... even if the temperature hasn't changed much yet

13. Finding the perfect birthday present for a friend

14. A slightly less busy week than last week...

15. Remnants of an incredible summer... I had a dream about a friend from my trip, two missionaries instant messaged me last night, my burdened heart for Panama and the Kuna people, one of the girls I met in Panama (the Pastor's daughter) made a picture of us her facebook profile picture... precious. I just love them. And I miss my team. And my Project Directors. But I am THANKFUL.

So much to be thankful for. 

Gratitude truly changes EVERYTHING.

{Take a minute to stop and think about what you're thankful for.}

Put To The Test

Ever feel like you're being put to the test?

That thought in the back of your head, "Hey, I think I learned this recently? What was I supposed to do again? Oh no -- why does my mind always go blank under pressure?!"

I'm not a very good test taker. Mostly just timed and graded tests, which covers about 95% of them. I remember taking tests in my IB Psychology class in the 10th grade. It was probably the hardest and most enjoyable class I had come to yet in my experience as a student. Everyone LOVED Mr. Caro! I spent the entire class period glancing from my test to the clock to everyone else writing feverishly and back to the clock and then to my test again. My heart raced violently, my palms were sweaty and my breathing quickened. Why couldn't I remember anything that I had studied? There was NO way I was getting the test done in time. I tried to figure out how many points I had to get just so I wouldn't get below an 80%. A's were ideal. B's were bearable. But a C? No way. 

I distinctly remember a test day that all of that happened and Mr. Caro walked across the room, knelt by my desk, and asked if I wanted to come in after class to finish the test - I could have as much time as I needed. I let out a big sigh of relief and expressed my gratitude. Luckily I experienced this test anxiety in a psychology class where the teacher was hyper-aware of these things!

Tests can be tricky. That's the point; to see if you can perform / replicate / live out what you already learned. Tests are used to display knowledge and competency. They're used to see if the student is ready to move on to the next level.

I think that's what I see happening in my life right now...

I've blogged excessively about how God changed my LIFE this summer through my trip to Panama - breaking my heart for the Nations, building up my confidence in Him and not in me, trusting in who He says I am and not being swayed by the opinions of others or the limitations people put on me, and simply believing that I am capable of making decisions independently because of the wisdom the Lord has given me.

I came back home loving life and psyched about this year - being in school (and almost DONE!), as a nanny to two great kids, and heavily involved in college ministry at BSU. There is so much to be thankful for and excited about!

But now I see that the time of testing has come...

"So do not throw away your confidence; it will be richly rewarded. You need to persevere so that when you have done the will of God, you will receive what he has promised. 

For in just a little while, 'He who is coming will come and not delay. But my righteous one will live by faith. And if he shrinks back, I will not be pleased with him.'

But we are not of those who shrink back and are destroyed, but of those who BELIEVE and are SAVED."
-Hebrews 10:35-39

I see all these little frustrations rising up: failing a major assignment and simply overlooking two others, falling behind in various responsibilities, getting fewer hours of sleep every night, and my car is continuing to fall apart (hard to imagine for those of you who have seen it, I know...). All of these things are undoubtedly frustrating.

It's okay to be frustrated. The question is, how do you choose to respond?

The *funny* thing is, most of those frustrations seems to be rather personal attacks... fixing my car is expensive, which tends to awaken one of my greatest insecurities - financial security/provision. Failing/falling behind... yeah, who doesn't hate that? It makes it hard to ward off the notion that my value is wrapped up in my performance.

"Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful."
- Hebrews 10:23

This is what it means to "hold unswervingly." I will not be shaken; I will not be moved. The Truth is too deep in me to allow these *measly* frustrations overtake me. I will not be overcome, for "the one who is in [me] is greater than the one who is in the world"(1 John 4:4b). 

How will you respond when the time of testing comes? 

I'm choosing to dwell on the Truth and reject the lies. Being consumed by Truth ensures that there is no room for anything else!

Oh Boy. Here it Comes Again...

That inevitable point in the semester when life settles and you realize it's a LOT.

a lot to manage.
a lot to get done.
a lot to learn about.
a lot to WRITE. a lot to READ.
a lot of coffee to drink. (there's no way this much coffee is good for my health...)
a lot of driving to and from campus.
a lot of late nights. (10:00 counts as a late night for me.)

Just... a lot.
I know I'm not the only one like this, right?
Anyone?

This is the third semester in a row that I have gotten physically sick due to stress. This time I didn't even see it coming... my body responded faster than my head! It's a "warning sign," I've been told. I need to heed this warning before the stress takes over and causes even worse issues.

Um, this is crazy. Why can't my body just take it like a man (actually, a woman, preferrably) and buck up?! Now that I've learned to take all those stressful thoughts captive and am doing GREAT, why can't my body keep up?!

I was reminded that I need to pay special attention to the "basics" -- eating healthy, exercising, getting enough sleep, drinking water, etc. That's all well and good. Actually, I know that I need to put more priority on all of this things to contribute to my overall health and nonstressedness - even though I'm currently at a loss for how to do it. :-/

... but the MOST important thing? The thing that fills me up, satisfies my soul, heals my heart, and renews my mind? Time with Jesus. Just BEING, not DOING. Pouring out my heart to Him, not acting like everything's okay. Just accepted, not judged or condemned.

So full of grace and love and peace.

... and it's a good thing, too. Because I need it today! [and everyday]

The difference between then and now? I'm okay. I know that He's got me... and I'm okay. Yes, today I cried when the dog was barking at me one one side of the hallway and Gannon was throwing a tantrum on the other side of the hallway. Yes, I skipped class today in an effort to keep calm & get things done. Yes, I still have a lot to do tonight and I just want to be able to wind down and relax. But, so what. These things are futile, don't matter in the grand scheme of LIFE, and I will not allow them to affect me the way they used to.

It's only evidence to God's faithfulness that I respond differently to stress now! (emotionally/mentally... not so much physically, my body still isn't on the same page...)