Thankful Thursday - Numero Dos

1. New-to-me Music... I discovered "All the Sons and Daughters" this week and LOVE them. Especially this song: "Wake Up" - currently on repeat as I write this. Especially because of what God has been teaching me in the past few months. Especially in light of my current read by Erwin McManus, "Wide Awake," which I am also thankful for.

2. T-Minus 5 1/2 days until I get to see my Momma!!!! So very, very thankful for her.

3. The capabilities of instant messaging. Three days in a row this week I talked to a different person in Panama. I love that I can stay connected with them. God continues to expand my heart for these people.

4. I'm thankful for the funny little things Gannon says throughout the morning... this kid cracks me up. Sometimes you just need to see life from the eyes of a 5-year old!

5. In 8 days I get a new sister! It'll be just like Christmas. Wrapped up in a wedding. Plus lots of friends and family. Ah, I just LOVE to celebrate! So thankful for my brother and his sweet bride. :)

6. Living out my passion... even though life seems to be engulfed with other things at the moment, I still have the opportunity to be a part of some AWESOME ministry at BSU. I am incredibly grateful for the close-knit staff team. I am looking forward to our girls hike tomorrow to continue building relationships and investing in the women of Cru. I'm excited to meet with the other ladies on the staff team this afternoon to brainstorm other ideas and dream big. Use us, Lord.

7. Frozen yogurt... because who ISN'T thankful for a gigantic cup of deliciousness??! Fro yo is good for the soul & good for healthy friendships. Love it.

8. Making friends. I know this sounds silly, but it is SO nice to have a couple friends to study with from my classes this semester. 

I like this. "Gratitude turns what we have into enough."

The point of listing what I'm thankful for is to simply acknowledge that I have plenty of reasons to be thankful. I have more than enough. God is my provider and He meets ALL my needs ALL the time. He sees my heart. 

On a day like today where I spent as many hours in the library last night (about 4) as I did sleeping after that (not enough) AND I have a completely full schedule, plus multiple assignments due in the next 36 hours... it's a good reminder that I have enough. 
That I am enough. 

Random...

I had a crazy dream last night. Actually, it was this morning. I wouldn't have had this dream if I had gotten out of bed when my alarm went off. I don't remember it going off at 5:00, but when I woke up at 6:22 my phone was in my hands so clearly I attempted to "snooze." (which NEVER works!)

In that hour and twenty two minutes (a hefty "snooze"... haha) I had a very clear dream. This is VERY abnormal for me - I only remember dreams like this probably a few times a year. Not very often. 

I dreamt that I was a team leader on a mission trip to Dubai. (Note: I have NO idea WHY Dubai... I know nothing about this country. I don't think I could even tell you where it is!) Sarah, who was my project director in Panama this summer, was also my PD in my dream. 

We got off the plane in Dubai, with what seemed like a thousand teenagers (probably remembering airport experiences this summer... haha). We didn't know that while we were in the air, the government had collapsed and/or turned hostile. Something like that. Whatever it is, it was very bad and we could get in trouble very easily.

I told the missionaries to line up along the wall - in "sliced bread," of course (this is how we organize luggage in a single file line... it made me laugh when I woke up that this was so prominent in my dream...) - but they kept standing in groups that blocked the walkway and we were getting in more trouble from security guards for taking up too much space. 

Sarah told me that our bus wasn't at the airport. The security guards were being ridiculous and Sarah was getting mad at them. That's when I woke up... crazy kids who weren't standing against the wall, in a country with a corrupt government, with no transportation to take us anywhere. 

Talk about feeling disoriented first thing in the morning! 

*I decided to do some quick research on wikipedia (not a credible resource, I know, but it serves this purpose well) on Dubai because I think it's SO random that I dreamt I was there!

"Dubai is often misperceived as a country..." oops. It's actually an emirate. An emirate is "the state or jurisdiction of an emir," which is "a ruler, chief, or commander in Islamic countries" (Webster's Dictionary). Interesting!

Anyways - just thought I'd share my crazy dream.

Monday Morning Musings~

[Did you like that alliteration? Things like that make Communication/English majors, like myself, proud... like we just did something so clever. Ha!]

Monday mornings.... they have such a bad reputation. 

Dreading the week to come... 
Sad that the weekend is over...
Time to wake up early again...
Headed back to work/school...

Why must Monday mornings be so gloomy and dismal?

This morning I'm thinking about the POTENTIAL that a new week brings... and choosing to be thankful.

Sure, looking at my planner it is POTENTIALLY going to be busy, crazy, stressful, and full of late nights. 

Or, I could seek FIRST the Kingdom of God and recognize the other kinds of potential this week has: potential to share the Gospel and the love of Jesus with someone, potential to grow and be strengthened in my relationship with God, potential to encourage someone else, potential to grow and nurture friendships, potential to progress in school (uh, hopefully that is the case. ha!), potential to learn a lesson... probably a lot, too, if I'm open to it.

Everyday has all kinds of potential. 

What kind of potential depends on the angle we choose to look at...

I can acknowledge ahead of time all the kinds of potential this week has, and decide that I will be thankful for each day no matter the circumstances. Life is way more exciting this way. I don't know what's going to happen, but I can eagerly anticipate whatever it is God has for me. 

My life is in HIS hands. That's not something to dread.

The Return of [Thankful] Thursday!!!

1. Happy kids in the morning (and coffee. that's great in the morning, too.)

2. Yoga pants. Pretty much amazing.

3. A "Good Morning, beautiful!" text from a best friend

Kyle (my almost MARRIED brother), mom & me in Portland last Thanksgiving

4. I get to see my mom, brother & soon to be sister-in-law in 11 days! (And the rest of the family shortly after!)

My crazy sister, Dawn, and me on Christmas Eve last year -- Can't wait to see her!!!

5. Approachable professors who have a grip on reality. What a relief.

6. A day off tomorrow... sleeping in until at least 8am! :)

7. My two writing classes... they blend together so much it's like one big, exciting semester of writing (and helps me forget about my awful chemistry class)

8. This blog. I love writing. 

9. The TRUTH that my worth is not based on how well (or poorly) I do in school, what other people think of me, how much I get done in one day, or how "on top of it" I appear to be.

10. Skype with friends

11. Making pumpkin bread with the most fun five-year-old around. We're enjoying a morning of homework, baking, and working out all together! :)

12. Leaves changing colors... even if the temperature hasn't changed much yet

13. Finding the perfect birthday present for a friend

14. A slightly less busy week than last week...

15. Remnants of an incredible summer... I had a dream about a friend from my trip, two missionaries instant messaged me last night, my burdened heart for Panama and the Kuna people, one of the girls I met in Panama (the Pastor's daughter) made a picture of us her facebook profile picture... precious. I just love them. And I miss my team. And my Project Directors. But I am THANKFUL.

So much to be thankful for. 

Gratitude truly changes EVERYTHING.

{Take a minute to stop and think about what you're thankful for.}

Put To The Test

Ever feel like you're being put to the test?

That thought in the back of your head, "Hey, I think I learned this recently? What was I supposed to do again? Oh no -- why does my mind always go blank under pressure?!"

I'm not a very good test taker. Mostly just timed and graded tests, which covers about 95% of them. I remember taking tests in my IB Psychology class in the 10th grade. It was probably the hardest and most enjoyable class I had come to yet in my experience as a student. Everyone LOVED Mr. Caro! I spent the entire class period glancing from my test to the clock to everyone else writing feverishly and back to the clock and then to my test again. My heart raced violently, my palms were sweaty and my breathing quickened. Why couldn't I remember anything that I had studied? There was NO way I was getting the test done in time. I tried to figure out how many points I had to get just so I wouldn't get below an 80%. A's were ideal. B's were bearable. But a C? No way. 

I distinctly remember a test day that all of that happened and Mr. Caro walked across the room, knelt by my desk, and asked if I wanted to come in after class to finish the test - I could have as much time as I needed. I let out a big sigh of relief and expressed my gratitude. Luckily I experienced this test anxiety in a psychology class where the teacher was hyper-aware of these things!

Tests can be tricky. That's the point; to see if you can perform / replicate / live out what you already learned. Tests are used to display knowledge and competency. They're used to see if the student is ready to move on to the next level.

I think that's what I see happening in my life right now...

I've blogged excessively about how God changed my LIFE this summer through my trip to Panama - breaking my heart for the Nations, building up my confidence in Him and not in me, trusting in who He says I am and not being swayed by the opinions of others or the limitations people put on me, and simply believing that I am capable of making decisions independently because of the wisdom the Lord has given me.

I came back home loving life and psyched about this year - being in school (and almost DONE!), as a nanny to two great kids, and heavily involved in college ministry at BSU. There is so much to be thankful for and excited about!

But now I see that the time of testing has come...

"So do not throw away your confidence; it will be richly rewarded. You need to persevere so that when you have done the will of God, you will receive what he has promised. 

For in just a little while, 'He who is coming will come and not delay. But my righteous one will live by faith. And if he shrinks back, I will not be pleased with him.'

But we are not of those who shrink back and are destroyed, but of those who BELIEVE and are SAVED."
-Hebrews 10:35-39

I see all these little frustrations rising up: failing a major assignment and simply overlooking two others, falling behind in various responsibilities, getting fewer hours of sleep every night, and my car is continuing to fall apart (hard to imagine for those of you who have seen it, I know...). All of these things are undoubtedly frustrating.

It's okay to be frustrated. The question is, how do you choose to respond?

The *funny* thing is, most of those frustrations seems to be rather personal attacks... fixing my car is expensive, which tends to awaken one of my greatest insecurities - financial security/provision. Failing/falling behind... yeah, who doesn't hate that? It makes it hard to ward off the notion that my value is wrapped up in my performance.

"Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful."
- Hebrews 10:23

This is what it means to "hold unswervingly." I will not be shaken; I will not be moved. The Truth is too deep in me to allow these *measly* frustrations overtake me. I will not be overcome, for "the one who is in [me] is greater than the one who is in the world"(1 John 4:4b). 

How will you respond when the time of testing comes? 

I'm choosing to dwell on the Truth and reject the lies. Being consumed by Truth ensures that there is no room for anything else!

Oh Boy. Here it Comes Again...

That inevitable point in the semester when life settles and you realize it's a LOT.

a lot to manage.
a lot to get done.
a lot to learn about.
a lot to WRITE. a lot to READ.
a lot of coffee to drink. (there's no way this much coffee is good for my health...)
a lot of driving to and from campus.
a lot of late nights. (10:00 counts as a late night for me.)

Just... a lot.
I know I'm not the only one like this, right?
Anyone?

This is the third semester in a row that I have gotten physically sick due to stress. This time I didn't even see it coming... my body responded faster than my head! It's a "warning sign," I've been told. I need to heed this warning before the stress takes over and causes even worse issues.

Um, this is crazy. Why can't my body just take it like a man (actually, a woman, preferrably) and buck up?! Now that I've learned to take all those stressful thoughts captive and am doing GREAT, why can't my body keep up?!

I was reminded that I need to pay special attention to the "basics" -- eating healthy, exercising, getting enough sleep, drinking water, etc. That's all well and good. Actually, I know that I need to put more priority on all of this things to contribute to my overall health and nonstressedness - even though I'm currently at a loss for how to do it. :-/

... but the MOST important thing? The thing that fills me up, satisfies my soul, heals my heart, and renews my mind? Time with Jesus. Just BEING, not DOING. Pouring out my heart to Him, not acting like everything's okay. Just accepted, not judged or condemned.

So full of grace and love and peace.

... and it's a good thing, too. Because I need it today! [and everyday]

The difference between then and now? I'm okay. I know that He's got me... and I'm okay. Yes, today I cried when the dog was barking at me one one side of the hallway and Gannon was throwing a tantrum on the other side of the hallway. Yes, I skipped class today in an effort to keep calm & get things done. Yes, I still have a lot to do tonight and I just want to be able to wind down and relax. But, so what. These things are futile, don't matter in the grand scheme of LIFE, and I will not allow them to affect me the way they used to.

It's only evidence to God's faithfulness that I respond differently to stress now! (emotionally/mentally... not so much physically, my body still isn't on the same page...)

Not Just Another "Christian High"

Okay - taking another break from the "It's a {heart] Thing" little mini series I had going on...

Mostly because there is just something happening in my heart, aside from what I originally planned, and sometimes you just have to throw the plans out the window. (HA! If you know me at all then you know that is a completely out of character comment for me to make...)

I am excited about life right now! I'm excited about what God is doing, where He has brought me and how He will continue to lead me. I've said it before, but I know that I am a completely different person now than before I went to Panama this summer. I hope this isn't too cliche to say, but they are the most true words I could use to describe where I'm at right now. That's part of what IS my excitement about LIFE -- I am walking in a freedom (from fear, mostly) that I have not known before.

[This level of passion PLUS senioritis settling in is a dangerous combination!]

I met with a freshman at BSU this afternoon who had expressed interest in getting a free cup of coffee, getting more information about Cru and talking about life/God. She was my first one-on-one meeting of the semester. It is so evident that God is in control, too, because I was able to relate with her about some of the struggles she has had. So much so that she was brought to tears and said, "I feel like we have the same life!" Half way through our conversation I just thought, "Gosh, I love this. I am so grateful for the opportunity to minister on campus."

It was almost a year ago that I worked on a project on campus and watched one of the Cru staff members go through three meetings in a row and I thought - and later told her - "Wow, I want her job!!!" Now, I get to do that alongside her! (On a much smaller scale...)

Then I went to dinner with a friend who just graduated with her Communications degree -- we had a class together for three semesters in a row. She wanted to hear about Panama... I feel like after a whole MONTH I finally have the stories down! I told her that she's probably getting the best synopsis because I've actually had time to process what God did and I love sharing the memories. I feel like I should go back to all the people who I've already talked to and retell them about the trip now that I can articulate it better.

The point is, I talked about Panama for a long stinkin' time tonight and that got me even MORE excited! (Shoot, at this rate I will never fall asleep tonight!) After talking with my friend, I realized how passionate I am about missions and Panama and having faith to see miracles and being bold and simply praising God for who He is. There is so much to be thankful for!

"Never be lacking in zeal, but keep your spiritual fervor, serving the Lord." Romans 12:11

I remember talking to my team about this our last night together in Texas:
Your mission trip does not stop when you leave campus or when you get off the plane back in your home town... you are an ambassador of Christ and by choosing to live for Him, you are choosing to live the life of a missionary wherever God has called you to be. Look around you -- that is your new mission field.

Emmie Harper, from GE, shared this message with everyone at debriefing:
You are going to go home and be different and people will smile politely and just wait for your "radical phase" to be over. They may ask things like, "When are you going to stop being so serious about this Jesus thing?" They probably won't get it. They will expect that after a short while you will return to the same person you were before you left.

Without really thinking about it, I've been saying - even just to myself - that I feel like I'm in a phase... a really great phase where I truly am excited about life; where things are not perfect, but my perspective is in alignment with truth and I'm not consumed by anxiety. A phase where I desire to be in God's presence and I hunger for the Word. This phase where I am thinking about the future not in terms of fear and concern but with a genuine anticipation for something GREAT. This phase where I really believe that I could do ANYTHING and go ANYWHERE for Jesus.

Yeah, all of those things sound awesome and I hope they are really true of me.

But the fact is, I certainly hope this isn't just some PHASE. Not just another "Christian High" that is here for a week, but quickly fades away.

A phase is temporary. I hope whatever THIS is sticks around for a while... as in, my whole life. :)

One of the dictionary definitions of phase is "a stage in a process of change or development." (What can I say? I'm a comm/english major... I get a lot of use out of the dictionary.) Well, maybe this is a different perspective here. If this is just a PHASE, then maybe there is still MORE to come... as in, God's not done with me yet!

I know that I will have hard days (for example, probably tomorrow... because I'm staying up all night writing instead of sleeping! ;-) )... I know that I'm going to be hurt and that I will fail. I will fall short from my own expectations and others. I know that there will be times when I feel alone. BUT, I will not allow those things to change who I am. God will continue on and complete the work He began in me (Philippians 1:6).

"For this very reason, make every effort to add to your faith goodness; and to goodness, knowledge; and to knowledge, self-control; and to self-control, perseverance; and to perseverance, godliness; and to godliness, brotherly kindness; and to brotherly kindness, love. For if you possess these qualities in increasing measure, they will keep you from being ineffective and unproductive in your knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ." 2 Peter 1:5-8

"I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wise and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge - that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God. Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen." Ephesians 3:16-21

Thanks for sticking with me through this mess of thoughts. :) What a day. God is GOOD.