Life in Constant Motion

Today, I set out to write. Then I pulled up blogger on my laptop and stared at the screen until I decided I'd start my writing my monthly prayer letter to my support team and hope that spurred on some blogging inspiration. I think there are too many big, exciting, scary, new things on my heart that it's difficult to wrap it up in one nice blog-sized package. Instead, this post will likely be packed with recent experiences, future plans, and the emotions that accompany both. Mostly, I just love to write. And sometimes you have to do what you love out of discipline and sheer passion rather than waiting for a clear outlined plan. Sometimes you've just got to go with what you've got and see what happens.

Art by Abby Hyslop Lettering //
http://www.abbyhyslop.com/journal/

I love this quote by Jim Elliot, the well-known missionary to the Quechua Indians in Ecuador: Wherever you are, be all there. Such beautiful truth, especially in this fast-paced life, full of constant, unexpected change. Despite all of that change and craziness, this quote reminds me that there is joy and purpose in this moment. There is something worth celebrating in today. There is so much to learn right now.

We so easily get caught up in looking ahead to the future, looking forward to what's coming up, and planning for the next few steps. While those things are not inherently bad or destructive, they can definitely steal the joy of the moment.

We've probably all experienced working with or being around somebody who is clearly not "all there." In my experience, it feels like that person doesn't care about the task at hand or the people around them; they disregard the present for what they hope to experience in the future. How unfortunate! Please God, don't let this be true of me. I want people around me to know that they matter to me... in my life... right now. I want to truly appreciate and cherish the moments I have with sweet friends, while I have them in my life.

The reality is, change is inevitable. Sometimes the changes are planned out well in advance, and other times they just happen spontaneously, feel rushed and hurried, or just spring up faster than expected. We really don't know how much time we have with people. I've experienced so much change in the past seven years since graduating from High School and have been blessed by such precious people in each season of my life--even if the season was a quick one. I'm so thankful, really... I feel overwhelmed just thinking about it.

I realized this morning that God has always provided specific people for me to "do life with" in the midst of every change and big, new thing I've experienced. He has never left me or abandoned me; I've always been completely covered by His grace & love. Thank you, Jesus. It is a comfort to know that in light of His faithfulness, what has always been true of God, will continue to always be true. I don't have to worry about Him changing or leaving. And I trust that when change comes up again, as it inevitably will, He will provide for my every need.

Some Thoughts on Worry

I remember a teacher several years ago who said not to take notes unless you would actually review them later. That gave me the freedom to decide that sometimes it makes sense to take notes, but other times it's most helpful to simply listen and take it all in. 

I'd say that most Sundays at church are "listen and take it all in" kind of days. Today, though, was a "scribble out notes as fast as you can" kind of Sunday morning... and make a mental note to tell Bren that he talks too fast because I have a few half-definitions. ;-)

At Revolution22 we're studying the book of Matthew. Today, we focused on chapter 6, verses 25-34, which as you may know, is about not worrying. I feel like I always need this message about relinquishing control for the umpteenth time and surrendering to Jesus. It's not about ME; it's all about HIM.

I was especially looking forward to a message on worry after the ridiculous week that just ended. It started last Sunday when I slammed my finger in a locked door (i.e. you can't open the door right away), spent most of Monday car sick and nauseous, had a weird allergic reaction on my face on Wednesday night (No more cheap moisturizer!), then spent the next 24 hours recovering from that and the effects of the Benedryl... and it concluded Friday night with hours of severe abdominal pain, which resulted in my first trip to the ER, at midnight, by myself. 

Oh, it's been one HECK of a week. 

A friend asked this morning if the pain was caused by stress. She and I have had this conversation many times before. Sometimes my body responds to stress even before my brain knows that I'm stressed out and anxious. I don't know for sure if that's what's causing the issue in my stomach, but stress has the potential to lead to pretty much any health problem. And I am in a season of intense transition right now, which naturally causes stress. But having health issues just exacerbates that stress.... so it's kind of a messed up cycle, if you ask me.

All of that to say, I was in just the right mental position to soak up all these words of truth regarding worry. Whether my brain knows that I'm stressed out or not, it's always good to be reminded of what is true and evaluate where I am placing my trust. 

So, here are some thoughts - written by me, conveyed through Bren, spoken by Jesus... 

Matthew 6:25-34

1. Verse 25 - "Therefore" - This word tells us to look back at the last few verses. The previous section (6:19-24), talks about how the things that you value indicate who/what you serve. "Where your treasure is, there your heart will be also"(v. 21). So, if God is your master, why would you worry?

2. Some of us worry because we don't believe we have a Father in heaven who knows what we need.

3. It is unnecessary for us to fear, be anxious, or worry because of the faith God has planted in us.

• He gives us the grace we need for this day. (v. 34)
• Your actions indicate your level of faith in God. (i.e., how we respond to situations)
• You're either a worrier or a child of God; you're either living for God's Kingdom or your own. (v. 32-33)
• It's not about trying to perform better. The anecdote to worry is a focused pursuit of God's Kingdom. It's about transitioning from serving SELF -- to serving JESUS, a change of priorities.

SEEK:

1. Pursue it like you really want to find it.
2. Prioritize our pursuit as the first in time and first in importance. Every other desire is secondary to His Kingdom.
3. The Kingdom can only be understood in light of the KING. You won't seek the Kingdom if He's not your King.
4. The righteousness of God is impossible to divorce from Jesus, the King.

• The more we come to know and rest in God's provision, the more we know we have nothing to worry about!
• We want to control, but Jesus calls us to surrender.

Philippians 4:4-9

• The Lord is near [at hand, present]; do not be anxious about anything. This is like saying: the reason why we don't have to worry is because God is near. He is close to His people! (v. 5)
• You can't even comprehend the peace He brings! (v. 7)
• Focus on things that are related to the Kingdom - true, noble, right, pure, lovely, admirable, excellent, or praiseworthy. (v. 8)

Just Be

I've been thinking about the idea of dwelling vs. doing. All of you type A personalities with perfectionist tendencies can relate to this tension, I'm sure. It's a constant battle! (Lately, a tug-of-war multiple times a day, no joke.)

On a typical tug-of-war kind of day, I stay busy doing awesomely productive things in the morning that make me feel efficient and successful and grown up. Then those things are over, and what used to be filled with a never ending list of homework assignments to accomplish, is now filled with whatever the heck I feel like. This can be incredibly freeing. Sometimes I go for a hike, go to the gym, clean the house, organize something in my room (yes, for fun), read one of the SIX books I'm currently in the middle of, or even watch TV - shocker. It can also be highly emotional as I wrestle with the tension of just enjoying life and the desire to be productive and make my life appear a certain way. It's in the time that was slated for homework that it now seems the pendulum of productivity swings quickly to the opposite side and I'm stuck in a mess of, "What am I even DOING with my life???!!!??!?!" (yes, that dramatically)

Taking advantage of the sun on Table Rock.

How did I go from feeling top-of-the-world, loving life, so accomplished in the morning, to feeling like I must be forgetting a million important things I'm supposed to be doing? (aka, minor freak outs)

Well, I have a theory or two about this dilemma.

1. If I start my day focused on "doing", I may find my worth in that, and then have a real hard time when it comes to the dwelling part of my day, because I feel like I've lost what gives me worth. Make sense? It's a completely ridiculous lie, but pretty important to understand. The truth: I am not any less valuable when I choose to do fun things for myself or just rest from all the "doing".

2. "Doing" is tangible, physical, and visible to others. It's easier to show off how much we do, than how disciplined we are in just being with Jesus and resting. Yeah, that's prideful. I shouldn't be doing things for the sake of creating a certain appearance for the approval of others.

3. Not to place blame, but our culture values "doing" over "being". There is a lot of societal pressure to get stuff done; that's what we have to show for ourselves. 

4. We think that "just being" is awfully boring. So what does it even mean to "just be" or "dwell"? I just sit here and do nothing? I don't get to talk to anyone else? My most deeply fulfilling and reviving moments are ones spent with a pen and journal and Bible, in a beautiful/comfortable place, having conversations with God. Mind you, not DOING something for God, but just BEING with Him and talking.

I told a friend recently about some potential future plans and she asked if I'd had a blunt conversation with God about what He wanted me to do yet. That afternoon I wrote in my journal: "This is my blunt conversation with God..." and I asked Him all kinds of questions. Talk about a shift in perspective. Sometimes I find myself grumbling things like: "I have nobody to process my day or talk about decisions with." (aka, self-pity) BEING with God, is so much more filling than talking things out with someone else... or even trying to find the time to connect with other people. People are important and God created us for relationship, no doubt about it. But I think we can so easily lose sight of the pure joy and indescribable peace found in just BEING with God and having a conversation with HIM.

5. On the other hand, major life transition definitely brings about reflection, questions, and a lot of change in general. So, partially, this is just normal. :) It's good to acknowledge that, too!

-------------------------

So yesterday afternoon in my usual frenzy of "I should be DOING something right now!!!" I grabbed my chacos, camelbak backpack, sunglasses, Bible and journal, and headed up to Table Rock. I just needed a place to go BE out of the house. I was starting to get antsy. I sat down on that little hill in the photo above, and my Bible flipped open to Hosea 2: "Therefore, I am now going to allure her; I will lead her into the desert and speak tenderly to her" (vs. 14). I'm just saying... I was on a hill in the desert, and I desperately wanted to hear God speak to my heart. 

And I believe He did. 

It wasn't necessarily this profound word for everyone, but it was a series of words for ME, for just that time. It was a whole string of truth that humbled, challenged, and encouraged me. I'm so thankful that our Heavenly Father knows our hearts intimately and chooses to interact with us personally. 

I just started writing... and I realized that for me, they were a bunch of words from Jesus. 

"You don't have to create some kind of acceptable identity or work to be approved of, Kailene. You are accepted and loved just as you are. You don't have to prove yourself. And for heaven's sake [yes, I did write that], stop comparing your life to everyone else's. It will create one of two things: pride - in thinking of yourself more highly than you ought, or self-pity - in considering yourself to be of lesser value than those around you. Neither is beneficial or healthy. Comparison, in that sense, will lead to destruction. 

Right now, you are exactly where God wants you to be - so enjoy it! ..."

My response: "Jesus, I love that I can just be here with You and not have to worry or figure things out."

I do want to enjoy this season of life. It's so unique & fun! Satan will work diligently to steal that joy, but my God is bigger AND victorious. So I have nothing to worry about. 

Studying "guard your heart" (and all the connotations that come with it)

The following paragraph is an excerpt from an article I read this morning on the topic of guarding your heart. These types of analogies are very common in Christian rhetoric today, and for the past twenty years or so. (That's my own assumption, not fact.) I don't think that it's all WRONG, I do however think we're missing a big chunk of the picture, a very important chunk. The perfect "single stick tape" type of heart attachment (to use her analogy) is rarely reality. So what does that mean for the rest of us?

"The first time you stick a piece of tape to something it’s good and sticky. If you then peel it off and stick it to something else it may possibly still stick. The third time, the corners are probably not staying down. Fourth time it’s only limply clinging on in a pathetic sort of way. Do this too many times and you find yourself with nothing more than a dirty, linty piece of cellophane. Similarly (in case you missed the inference), the more times you give your heart away, the less likely it gets that your heart will be capable of staying put. And it’s not just that something in you gets weakened each time this happens. As a matter of fact, something in you gets strengthened as well . . .  your ability to switch the object of your affection. You have trained yourself to have a roving eye – and that habit will certainly not stop simply because you get married."

(Rebekah, http://www.feminagirls.com/2012/05/01/heart-guarding-and-other-ways-to-whitewash-a-tomb/)

What do you think?

- What emotions surface after reading this? What does it make you think of?

- What is the conclusion that the author comes to?

- What is the end result for the person who "gives his/her heart away" too many times?

Above All Else

Who or what is the ultimate authority in your life?

Now the question is, does that response happen to match up with reality? Because this here is definitely a case of "actions speak louder than words." It may be fairly simple to respond verbally in one way, but then carry out decisions, life, thoughts and perspectives in a completely different direction.

In one breath we can whisper a promise of quiet surrender to God, then our next thought can lead us back to seeking control and power. The act of surrender may happen in a moment, but living a life of surrender requires millions of moments in which we choose to relinquish control and again place our complete trust in Jesus. 

Still not sure how to truthfully answer that first question? Try starting with these:

Where does your allegiance lie?

How do you spend your time?

Where do you invest your money? Resources?

How do you make decisions?

The answer to these and similar types of questions are indicators to who or what is the ultimate authority in your life. 

So why does this matter? Well, whoever is in charge calls the shots, to put it simply. :) The coach calls the plays, the teacher instructs students in academics, parents set boundaries and guidelines for their children, etc. 

Who "calls the shots" in your life?

We are constantly in decision-making mode. This is a lesson I've learned since slipping into adulthood seven years ago. (Wow, seven years!) It's rather frightening for an individual who avoids decisions. I saw this quote recently: 

"I'm indecisive because I see eight sides to everything." - April Kepne

Yep, I think that sums it up. I'm all about gathering information, weighing all options, testing out different decisions before coming to the final conclusion, and especially listing out the pros and cons, etc. It's a rather extensive process. Sometimes I feel like I ran a marathon after making a final decision. Final decisions definitely call for a celebration! 

While we do make life decisions constantly, that's no reason to panic - even for someone like me who gets a little crazy around decision-making time. I was talking with someone recently about making some pretty significant and possibly overwhelming decisions about my future and was quickly reminded that trusting God with my life is not about knowing the next 25 steps, it's about knowing the just the very next step. Because really, that's all we need to know. Even that single step is often an act of faith.

The Psalmist, David, wrote that God's Word is a light unto his path. This makes me think of a man holding a lantern walking along a winding trail at night. He only sees the step in front of him, but the path continues to be illuminated as he moves forward. This is exciting to me! Just keep moving forward...

In all the decisions we make that dictate the direction of our lives (whether we realize it or not), we need to stop and acknowledge God as the authority. Surrender your plans to Him. 

Pray that you will hear and respond to HIS voice and directions above everything else. 

"Commit everything you do to the LORD. Trust him, and he will help you." Psalm 37:5 (NLT)

God cares about us and wants to give us the desires of our hearts. But we must first align our hearts with Him and acknowledge His authority as Lord of our lives. Everything God does is for our good and His glory. I so often need the reminder to put aside my own plans, and remember that God is on the throne of my heart, and ultimately, of the Universe! We need to trust God and believe that He loves us enough to give us what is best. 

"Commit to the LORD whatever you do, and he will establish your plans." Proverbs 16:3 (NIV)

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart; do not depend on your own understanding. Seek his will in all you do, and he will show you which path to take." Proverbs 3:5-6 (NLT)

{Father, You are supreme, above all else. Thy will be done!}

The Discipline of Celebration

"When we celebrate, we exercise our ability to 
see and feel goodness in the simplest gifts of God. 
We are able to take delight today in something we 
wouldn't have even noticed yesterday. 
Our capacity for joy increases." 

John Ortberg, The Life You've Always Wanted

It's time to celebrate life.... the little things, the big things, everything.

I read this quote from John Ortberg last week and I can't seem to get it out of my mind. It's simple, yet profound. I've never thought of celebration as a discipline, an intentional, purposeful act, with such great reward.

Ortberg's formulaic approach is my favorite part:

1. Celebrate!

2. See & feel goodness in simple gifts from God

3. Take delight in things we used to not even notice

4. The result? An increased ability to experience joy!

A few days ago I wrote about choosing to be full of joy, regardless of circumstances or emotions that may naturally dictate otherwise. You know, that's sure a nice idea. Choose joy. It solves all your problems, right? If you're not full of joy - even on the awful, frustrating days - then you better just buck up and put a smile on... right? 

At the core of "choosing joy" is the intentional act of seeing and feeling goodness in the simple gifts from God. The more we choose to see these things every day, the more we will notice gifts and blessings. It's all about creating a new sense of awareness. Rather than being stuck in the dark and only seeing everything that goes wrong, you will start to become aware of reasons to celebrate. The best part: our ability to experience joy increases! 

It's a discipline. You can be disciplined in going to the gym, or doing homework, or how you eat, or cleaning the house. You're disciplined in the things you decide are most important, worthwhile, and will have lasting value to your life. Discipline is used to give direction in your life; it requires deliberate steps that move toward a desired end goal.

My end goal is that I would radiate joy to such an extreme that people would start to wonder. :) 

I want to be full of joy, even in the midst of circumstances that are not conducive to a joyful attitude. 

(This does not mean obnoxious or naive or ridiculous, just to clarify.)

"The LORD is my strength and shield. I trust him with all my heart. He helps me, and my heart is filled with joy. I burst out in songs of thanksgiving." Psalm 28:7

There is clearly a need to celebrate life in order to be full of joy. As with any other intentional decision, this requires a plan. My plan starts with this beautiful new notebook I came across at a store downtown yesterday:

I am using this notebook to record moments of gratitude each day. This is a discipline of celebration. It's an exercise in choosing joy. I know that I have much to be thankful for. Now, my goal is to take a moment to stop & see. I want to acknowledge the blessings to grow in my capacity for joy.

"You will show me the path of life: in Your presence is fullness of joy; at Your right hand there

are pleasures for evermore." Psalm 16:11

The fruit [evidence] of a life filled with the Holy Spirit is joy. Galatians 5:22

Even When

Even when...

Life is hard / Life is easy

I feel excited / I feel lost

It all makes sense / I don't even know what's going on

I'm fearful / I'm content

There's love / There's loneliness

...even then.

Even then, I will praise your Name. There are times in life that are full of obvious joy, and then there are times of tumultuous joy. The latter being the kind of joy you maybe have to work a little harder for. Not 'work' in that if you only smile enough you'll just feel it, but rather the kind of JOY that comes from a simple choice you make. 

The choice is whether or not to be full of joy regardless of your circumstances, regardless of how you actually feel.

True joy has nothing to do with emotions. It is reflected in the type of thoughts you choose to dwell on, the words you choose to grace your speech, and the actions you choose to embody. It doesn't necessarily mean you don't still feel or experience those emotions. Emotions are very real, and not bad. The unhealthy part of emotions is allowing them to shape your identity & perspective. Who I am - and Whose I am - does not change based on my emotions. 

True joy is evidence of the Holy Spirit living in you. So when life gets messy, I'd better be praying that I'm filled up with the Spirit and not the world or my own selfish desires. I should probably be more proactive in spending time in the Word and in prayer to gain a godly perspective and not allow fog to settle in and cloud my view.

True joy exudes love and selflessness, when you would naturally seek selfish desires or wallow in self-pity. Sometimes all we need is to step outside ourselves for one minute so we can see that there are much bigger things going on. Everyone has a story; everybody deals with stuff. When I choose joy in the midst of my own struggle, I can also choose to focus on others rather than myself.

True joy is not contingent on your everyday surroundings. When car trouble, broken relationships, loneliness, financial questions, and tiredness invade your life, joy should still be the end result just as in a week full of blessings. Nothing is too big, too much, or too complicated... it is always possible to choose joy.

We sang this song in church today: Blessed Be Your Name, by Matt Redman. I was struck with the brutal and utter truth found in these words. It's generally easy to praise God when blessings are plentiful and abundant, but what about those times wandering through the wilderness or desert? Yes, when everything in my life seems to be working out just as it should be, those are times that we love to be thankful. But what about while walking down a painful road marked with suffering? Do we still choose gratitude?

No matter what the emotions, situation, surroundings, or natural instincts, 

God, my heart will choose to say: Blessed be Your Name.

Blessed Be Your Name

In the land that is plentiful

Where Your streams of abundance flow

Blessed be Your name

Blessed Be Your name

When I'm found in the desert place

Though I walk through the wilderness

Blessed Be Your name

Every blessing You pour out

I'll turn back to praise

When the darkness closes in, Lord

Still I will say

Blessed be the name of the Lord

Blessed be Your name

Blessed be the name of the Lord

Blessed be Your glorious name

Blessed be Your name

When the sun's shining down on me

When the world's 'all as it should be'

Blessed be Your name

Blessed be Your name

On the road marked with suffering

Though there's pain in the offering

Blessed be Your name

Every blessing You pour out

I'll turn back to praise

When the darkness closes in, Lord

Still I will say

Blessed be the name of the Lord

Blessed be Your name

Blessed be the name of the Lord

Blessed be Your glorious name

Blessed be the name of the Lord

Blessed be Your name

Blessed be the name of the Lord

Blessed be Your glorious name

You give and take away

You give and take away

My heart will choose to say

Lord, blessed be Your name

(Video w/ Lyrics - Matt Redman, Blessed Be Your Name)