This week in a nutshell...

Tomorrow's FRIDAY! Next week is "dead" week.
A week from tomorrow I'll be headed to the East Coast to visit Heather and Emily.
The week after that is finals week.
The week after that I'm going to Oregon.
... Bring on SUMMER!

Okay, that was a bit of a tangent. I got a little ahead of myself. This PAST week has been about 90823749872 times better than the 10 days prior to it. (basically, 10 "bad" days in a row... see my last few posts) By the end of this week I will have worked close to 40 hours, which is slightly insane - but great for pay day! School work has been less demanding. Well, either that or I just weeded out the least important tasks and chose sleep this week instead. Just depends on how you look at it. :) Speaking of sleep, I have gotten a TON of it this week! It's been pretty clear that after the last week of extreme exhaustion/being overwhelmed every single day, my body just needed to recuperate. Yesterday I took TWO naps. No joke. That is definitely not a normal occurance in my life, but I'm grateful for the two thirty minute chunks of shut eye I was so blessed with.

Another great part of this week: Channing, Gannon and I went to Krispy Kremes for donuts before school on Monday. They LOVE it because you can watch them make the donuts. It was a fun treat. :)

Also, on Monday afternoon we had a thunderstorm! I know that there have been deadly storms all throughout the southeast this week, so this is a touchy subject. Still, I really love storms. Weather just fascinates me in general. Gannon got a kick out of the storm; anticipating the thunder and trying not to blink so he wouldn't miss lightning. I thought this was pretty cute - their dog, Godiva, was shaking, so Gannon tried to calm her down. He's so great! :)

Since I went grocery shopping last weekend (finally!) and I've been watching the Miller kids everyday this week, I've had a lot of opportunity to COOK. I really love to cook. I haven't done a lot of it since I moved here... only once in a while... but I still love it. My favorite dishes from this week: delicious breakfast burrito  (eggs, ham, lettuce + cheese - nothing special, but it was GOOD!) and a strawberry/apple salad, obviously pictured below. It contained... well, whatever I could find in the fridge. Salads are so fun because they're healthy so you feel good about eating them and they're so easy!

All in all, it's been a better week. Still busy, but that's not necessarily bad. Everything I was overwhelmed with didn't disappear; I'm still enduring and pushing through, but God is good and oh my, I'm learning so much.

Good Friday

It's Easter weekend! If you've been reading the past few posts, then you know that this week has been a week from you-know-where. I didn't have class today, but of course my lesson in imperfection continued with not waking up to my alarm this morning and being late to work.

Over and over again, I've messed up, made mistakes, fallen short, fallen hard, struggled to get back up again, acted out of emotion, been distracted... then I wake up the next morning and do it all over again! [I realize that I've been told many times this week that I need to stop trying to be perfect and not be concerned about disappointing people... if you are someone who has reminded me of these truths, thank you. Truly. Sometimes it takes a lot of reminding for me to actually have that "Aha!" moment.]

So anyways, this morning, after being frustrated that I overslept and was late, that's when it hit me: I am not perfect... and what better time to drill this truth into my head than Holy week! Jesus came to earth, lived a sinless life, was brutally beaten and mocked, put to death on a cross, and then ROSE from the grave three days later (just as He said He would!) ... for all of my imperfections. Yes! I am not saved because I serve at the church and get good grades and am a great friend to everyone I meet... or anything else. I am saved ONLY by His grace. Nothing else. It's not about me, yet I still strive so diligently to meet those fake standards. Grace has no standards. It's a gift, not based on merit.

I don't know about you, but that thought is seriously blowing me away right now.

Now the downside. We have an enemy, Satan, who does not want us to live in the freedom of the grace of God. He wants us to be in bondage to sin and lies. And you know what?! He is making me angry!

I went to The Pursuit's Good Friday service tonight. [I've been looking forward to it all week; to have a set apart chunk of time to fix my eyes on Jesus and remember His grace. Experience His grace.] Pretty much as soon as I sat down in my seat I was distracted. Watching other people... watching the band.... thinking about any number of random things. I kept catching myself, though, and would think, "No, I want to think about Jesus. Get back on track." Then something else would pop into my head (or my field of vision) and I'd lose it. I felt like those distractions were hindering me from truly stepping into the presence of God. I didn't just FEEL like it... they were. I started to get frustrated and almost just got up and left. Then I realized what was REALLY going on.

The Enemy was getting in my head and feeding me these lies and trying to make me aware of anything but Jesus. He didn't want me to fix my eyes on the Cross and be comforted by grace. He wanted me to feel condemned and judged and ashamed. As soon as I realized the foot hold I gave Satan in my thoughts, I began to cry. I was so filled with anger! I just started to speak truth and write it out in my journal: "This is NOT who I am. I am free and I do know the truth. I will not give up! I will NOT give up! You have not won. Jesus is victorious in my life and in this world."

So many lies, struggles and temptations have been thrown at me, but I recognize this for what it is: a battle. It's hard and I am exhausted, but Jesus Christ has already fought the battle and He won by conquering death! THAT, my friends, is what I'm celebrating this weekend. Thank you, Jesus, for your GRACE.

Purposeful.

A thought I just had: "God is ALWAYS purposeful."

Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

Proverbs 20: 24 "A man's steps are directed by the Lord. How then can anyone understand his own way?"

Proverbs 19:21 "Many are the plans in a man's heart, but it is the Lord's purpose that prevails."

... and God's purpose always prevails. (it's always successful, dominant, 'wins out;' proves superior in strength and power)

That means that there is purpose in even this season of waiting. I'm struggling and fighting and persevering and growing... and in the end, there IS purpose. Without a doubt. I don't even understand the half of it, but He's in control and my life is completely in His hands.

"True Things" - A little vulnerability

Oh my. These past 4 days or so have been... well, difficult. They've been more difficult than normal "hard days." I love the way that God created my mind to work through struggles (sometimes) ... I start with the main issue and then just keep digging to find the root. I'm overwhelmed. But I'm overwhelmed because I'm not trusting God. Well, why am I not trusting Him? Because I've been believing lies. Oh. Shoot. I hate it when that happens.

... lies about who God is and who I am and what people think. I can identify the lies, but building up truth in my heart is quite the process to fight through. It really is a fight, too. Fighting for truth to reign in my life. I know the truth, but I need to BELIEVE it and LIVE it.

I heard a song this weekend by JJ Heller - one of my current favorite musicians. It's called "True Things." (You can listen to it on youtube here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c8O_yjPngfw) The words in the song are simple, but powerful. How easy it is to find my identity in what I do or accomplish! That's not true at all. It's an interesting lesson to learn. Oh man... I feel like I'm learning 98234792837 lessons all at once! I just need grace. Speak to my heart, Lord.

Thankful Thursday

I know that this has been kind of a fading tradition as far as my BLOG goes... but I definitely do not want the attitude of thankfulness to fade from my life! I remembered that today is Thursday... I feel in the mood to write... and I have much to be grateful for.

> Sandy - she let me stay at her house while Jamie was out of town. I love that I have a place to go that feels just as comfortable as my own home.

> The fact that the weathermen are wrong... pretty much everyday. ;-) I thought it was supposed to rain today, but the sun is out, the sky is blue and it's just lovely. I parked my car at BSU and walked downtown to enjoy a few hours at one of my favorite coffeeshops before class. Now if only this weather would STAY sunny and warm so we can hike/climb at Table Rock on Saturday!

> Joy - It's from the Lord. Only HE can fill my heart so full with peace and joy when I have so many other things I could be thinking about. Last night as I drove home from class and sang (loudly) along with the radio, I recognized that the Lord provides joy for me when I need it. Even if it's just a 30 minute walk, listening to the radio in the car, or a good conversation with a friend... He knows just what my heart needs right when it needs it.

> I'm thankful that we can be in relationship with our Savior. That He speaks to us in so many different ways. That He gives wisdom and discernment to make decisions and the strength to step out in boldness. (As Sam Hasz asked me about a year and a half ago in Texas, "Are you a lion or a rabbit?!" Proverbs tells us to be bold like a lion.)

> I'm thankful for my Momma! She's just so great. I'm looking forward to our beach trip in May!

> I love being a part of such a faithful, committed body of believers at the Pursuit - in life group and serving in Extreme Life. I'm encouraged by you!

> Dreams, visions, goals, aspirations... it's so exciting to think about the future and dream about the BIG things that God can do! I don't want to live a mediocre, boring life. I want to be extreme.

> Lastly... I'm thankful for this tasty iced vanilla latte. I'd better start working on Extreme Life and get ready for class this afternoon. Thank you for reading and I hope that YOU are in encouraged to cultivate gratitude in your own heart. My core advisor at the Honor Academy taught me this valuable "skill" -- I started with just making lists of ANYTHING I could think of (my pillow, thunderstorms, the chance to take a nap, warm socks, etc.).

...When your mind is focused on the blessings, then there's no room for discontentment.

Can you say BUSY?!

Yes. I sure can... and that is definitely what my life looks like right now! I'd say it's both the internal AND external kind of busy. You know when you are just THINKING about a million and a half things so you feel busy even when your schedule is fairly manageable? No? That's just me? Yeah, well... maybe I'm  unique when it comes to my crazy-analytical mind. But probably not. ;^)

Anyways... there has been a lot happening! I was blessed by a wonderfully relaxing trip to Montana to visit a dear friend, Brianna. We were roommates the first year I lived in Texas and lived in the same house the next year. Bri is SO special to me! We spent a lot of time laughing and completing each other's sentences. :-) I could have done without the 24 hrs of sitting in a car to and from Laurel, MT... but it was definitely worth it to spend time with such a great friend!

I can feel it! Spring is here... summer is coming... and there's only 4 more weeks of school! I'm on the final stretch. Working on two group projects, a 12 pg research paper, and various other tests, quizzes and smaller papers. Whew! I will be SO relieved when this semester's over. I keep thanking myself for deciding not to take classes this summer. That was a good decision. :-) ***Also, I just registered for FALL classes today! I am pretty excited about this schedule! 15 credits, full Tues/Thurs and Wed nights - that means NO Mon or Fri again! AND it still works with my schedule to watch Channing and Gannon. Thank you, Lord!

Another exciting development is that I decided to start a girl's small group on Saturday mornings in the summer. I don't really know what all this will entail just yet, but I know that this is something the Lord has put on my heart... so I know that it'll be good. I still need to ask around and see what kind of interest there is (maybe so many people will want to join that I'll have to find a couple other leaders to form multiple groups!) and I don't know WHAT to study yet... a book of the Bible, a book like "Set Apart Femininity" or "Lady in Waiting," or some kind of topical study. I haven't been drawn in a specific direction yet, so I want to ask around and see if maybe there's something specific that a group of women would benefit discussing/learning together. I am REALLY excited about this... please pray that the Lord would continue to guide me and that I would step out boldly in leadership.

Well, that was just a quick update! The Lord is teaching me a lot in this strange season of life... but my desire is to be content where He has me and pour everything I am into knowing Him more. There's so much more I could say, but I should probably get to studying for my interpersonal communication test that I have in less than 3 hours.

I heard this phrase in a song on Sunday: "This is so beyond me, but it's not beyond You." I'm grateful that NOTHING is beyond the Lord. He is working ALL things together for the good of those who love Him.

"The Unexpected In-Between"

My roommate, Heather, and I both read this book a few times last year called Now and Not Yet, by Jennifer Marshall. It was written specifically to "make sense of single life in the 21st century," but the message definitely pertains to contentment in ALL areas of life. I just pulled this book off my shelf because I think I'm going to read it again. I'm sensing a return of this troublesome mindset that "my life doesn't start until I've graduated from college, married, secure with a steady income, etc. Somehow, once all of that happens, I've attained what I needed and THEN life can go on. Right now just is a jumbled mess of trying to reach that point." That is FAR from the truth.

After a lousy attempt at writing my thoughts down last night, (I just couldn't seem to capture them! So I gave up...) I went to sleep just feeling this restlessness. I wasn't really able to pinpoint the root or come up with a solution. (see how my mind works? I need the cause and effect.) I suppose I just needed to sleep on it because this morning I journaled and it all came out fairly clearly! Discontentment. I feel like I'm in this season (hopefully short) where I don't understand a whole lot and I'm just waiting on the Lord... for a lot. It's probably because of my tendancy to try and figure everything out and have a solution and plan and schedule and everything else... this season causes me to seek HIS Face and rely solely on the Lord. Solely. Nothing else. Undivided devotion. Complete Dependence.

I don't want to live the way the world lives. I want to be set apart... made NEW. That means I don't need to focus on the same things the world focuses on. I will live above reproach and not just meet the standard of going to school and working to make money. I need to remember to find JOY in the little things... God has blessed me abundantly, and I don't want to miss out on that. I need to remember that God can and will use me, if my heart is soft and teachable. I also need to remember that I am accountable to Him - if there is something else that He wants me to do or focus on in this season, then He will reveal it. I am responsible to simply walk in obedience everyday and TRUST Him fully. I need to stop getting so caught up in "what am I supposed to do and what does this mean and what is my LIFE supposed to look like" and just trust.

Summer is Coming!

The weather in Boise is AWESOME!!! I spent the day yesterday with Channing and Gannon and their two friends. We played basketball, soccer, had a picnic, watched a movie (we needed some down time in the afternoon... I sympathize with mothers everywhere when it comes to "play dates." I was mostly just the referee, problem solver, conflict manager, entertainer, and chef. Whew! Those four kids definitely kept me on my toes!), and finally went to the park. The walk to the park was a little longer than I thought and the sun was a little warmer than I thought... on the way back I ended up carrying Gannon's helmet and scooter and gave him a piggy back ride. He said, "Miss Kaween... my power's getting low." I think this is a sign that he watches too many super hero movies. I couldn't help but laugh. :-) They were exhausted - such a fun day!

I don't have to work today, but I got myself out of bed as early as I could to make sure to take advantage of the second (and last) sunny day! I found a comfy little chair at this great downtown coffeeshop, The District. It's new and I love it! I'm going to work on homework, phone calls for Extreme Life, reading, writing, whatever else I can think of. In a few hours I'm going to meet a group of friends from church at Table Rock for some hiking + climbing. I'll probably mostly just hike and climb very little, but that's okay. I'll be the one with the camera. :) I just want to be OUTSIDE... so I'm super excited for this adventure. Emily and Heather would be excited... we used to go on adventures in the Back 40 at Teen Mania all the time. In fact, that's how we spent my 21st birthday.

Even though I decided NOT to drive home and see my family this weekend, I'm still going to make good use of the last few days of spring break. That decision was hard, especially when my Dad texted me pictures of my brother and nephews playing basketball together... and then later said they watched old home videos... and had steak for dinner. Ah! I wish I could have been there. :-( I think it's hardest being so CLOSE, but still so FAR. It's a different kind of hard than when I lived in Texas... then it was just a given that I couldn't go home. Now it's just a quick 7-8 hour drive. I miss them!

My next decision is to figure out how to spend my summer. My current two options are: 1. Get a second job and work as much as possible to save as much money as possible. This is a very practical option considering how much I need to save! I don't have any particular job lined up... I would just apply anywhere and everywhere. I would still work for the Miller's - but I'd be getting paid less and have way fewer hours. 2. Raise $2000 ASAP and go on a mission trip with Global Expeditions as a Team Leader. I'd LOVE this. I could visit my friends in Texas (The Lay's, Crist's, Nicole + Andrew, Sam + Lisa Hasz, former interns of mine, etc). I love to travel. My TL training and CPR/First Aid certification expire after this summer, so I might as well utilize them.

Hmm. We'll see. Decision making is always an interesting process for me. :-)